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Do you think it’s okay for me to tell my toxic/possible narcissist mom that I need to consult my therapist before I communicate with her further?


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Posted (edited)

As some on here already know,  my toxic/possible narcissistic mom that I’ve been low contact with for over 2 years is trying to communicate with me to talk things out but I’m very concerned because she’s not well. She has a Dr Jekyll/ Mr Hyde personality and that is part of the reason that I went low contact with her. 

She’s extremely nasty and abusive when she gets into one of her moods where you know she’s just looking for a fight and the last straw was when she threw me and my friend out of her home 2 years ago because we did not think just like her politically…when we were there to help her recover from cancer! She threw us out at the start of the pandemic too! We were forced to live in a hotel temporarily!  Anyway,  to her small credit..she did try relentlessly to call us the following day and for a few weeks after that to get us to come back but since I knew going back with her would result in her doing something similar again for no reason I decided to just ignore her for the most part. However the few messages I did check from her in the the past 2 years revealed the same disturbed personality…where she would leave a nice message one minute than leave a nasty one the next. And of course she has not apologized…which is something she almost never does. However,  since I have not read or listened to the majority of her messages in about 2 years I don’t know that for sure and I suppose I’m a bit curious if she will offer an apology at this point. I guess that’s one of the reasons that I agreed to this communication with her again. I’m curious to see if there’s an apology but I know that the chances are very very slim since she only apologized to me once in all my years on the planet. 

So the bottom line is that even though  I reluctantly agreed to communicate with her via email, I keep putting it off because I know I need to be emotionally ready for her outbursts…like going into a war zone where everything is fine one minute but you don’t know when the next bomb will go off. I have had too much other things going on to deal with her for the last 2 years. Anyway, i think I’m finally in a better place to deal with her now and I have a basic idea of what I want to say to her. I’m thinking of telling her that I can’t allow her back in my life unless she gets professional help but I want to discuss my ideas with my new therapist first. In fact, I think I’d prefer at least 1 or maybe 2 sessions with my therapist before I’ll feel more confident on what to say to my mom but I know my mom is impatient that Ive been putting her off for 2 years now.

With everything said, do you think it’s okay for me to actually send a quick email to my mom and be honest and tell her that I need to consult with my therapist first before I proceed to go any further with her? So in other words, I will be delaying communication with her once again for another 2 weeks. Does this sound like a reasonable thing to say to someone? 

I’m not sure why I even care since she’s been so mean to me but anyway I’d love others thoughts on this. 

Thanks in advance

Edited by chumly
Grammar
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Posted (edited)

Hi Chumly,

I am going to try to offer you some practical advice.

If you tell her that you will not talk to her unless you consult a therapist, I am almost certain she would explode with rage.

When you are dealing with someone who is narcisstic, there is a way to make them happy and it is by complimenting them and agreeing with them.

For example, if I was you and I wanted to continue to live there I might tell her how great she is and that I have seen the light politically. For most narcissists they will love this sort of attention and it will defuse them and you get their good side.

This also depends on their overall mental health and the severity of the narcissism but generally you can placate a narcissist if you will offer them a bribe of compliments of sorts.

This might sound underhanded or dishonorable but it can help a narcisssist's mental health because they typically want to feel good about themselves and most people tend to make narcissists feel bad about themselves which creates a negative feedback loop.

If you have not tried it I would try the buttering up strategy. I hate to say it that way but I personally would not tell your mom that you would not consult your unless you talked to the therapist first because I think the likely result would be for her to blow a gasket. You could still do it but just not tell her you are doing that for her and the relation sake to avoid burning bridges.

Edited by Evergreenforst4
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Hey chumly, my narcissistic mom has been a major contributor to my recent 2 breakdowns. ....

I would stay away....not engage...maybe show up to the occasional family day and keep your distance.

I definitely wouldn't open up those communication channels of emails, texts or calls... There is no escape when they have you on your phone.

Just no. Don't make my mistake of getting involved again.

 

 

 

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Yeah getting involved is getting caught in the spider web.  Once you're caught good luck escaping.  If there are any nice moments it's just long enough to draw us in and get us caught in the web.  Once we're caught it's over.

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Yeah and we have feelings that they will never have mother father son daughter.  Those special feelings aren't in them.  It's like we're on the Walking Dead and our loved one has turned into a zombie.  It's over.  You know whatever we want or need from them isn't possible so we need to move on for our own sanity.

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21 hours ago, Evergreenforst4 said:

Hi Chumly,

I am going to try to offer you some practical advice.

If you tell her that you will not talk to her unless you consult a therapist, I am almost certain she would explode with rage.

When you are dealing with someone who is narcisstic, there is a way to make them happy and it is by complimenting them and agreeing with them.

For example, if I was you and I wanted to continue to live there I might tell her how great she is and that I have seen the light politically. For most narcissists they will love this sort of attention and it will defuse them and you get their good side.

This also depends on their overall mental health and the severity of the narcissism but generally you can placate a narcissist if you will offer them a bribe of compliments of sorts.

This might sound underhanded or dishonorable but it can help a narcisssist's mental health because they typically want to feel good about themselves and most people tend to make narcissists feel bad about themselves which creates a negative feedback loop.

If you have not tried it I would try the buttering up strategy. I hate to say it that way but I personally would not tell your mom that you would not consult your unless you talked to the therapist first because I think the likely result would be for her to blow a gasket. You could still do it but just not tell her you are doing that for her and the relation sake to avoid burning bridges.

Thanks very much for your very interesting take on this! I really appreciate it. This is very insightful!

Im actually one step away from doing no contact with her and I forgot to mention that part of why I agreed to talk to her is because there’s a few things I’d like to say to her that I think might make me feel better to get off my chest but I’m definitely going to keep your insight in mind here. In fact, I will even mention what you suggested to my therapist that I’m seeing tomorrow.

Anyway, thanks so much for this advice again! I really appreciate it..👍

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11 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Hey chumly, my narcissistic mom has been a major contributor to my recent 2 breakdowns. ....

I would stay away....not engage...maybe show up to the occasional family day and keep your distance.

I definitely wouldn't open up those communication channels of emails, texts or calls... There is no escape when they have you on your phone.

Just no. Don't make my mistake of getting involved again.

 

 

 

Interesting! Thanks so much. 
 

I am so sorry that you have experienced breakdowns from your mom! I really appreciate the insight you’ve offered!

 

 Thanks so much 👍

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8 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yeah getting involved is getting caught in the spider web.  Once you're caught good luck escaping.  If there are any nice moments it's just long enough to draw us in and get us caught in the web.  Once we're caught it's over.

Great point!

 

 Thanks so much 👍

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8 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I'm lucky to be semi functional. I'm not well by any means, just barely hanging on. And this is what they can do to you....They can also do much, much worse.

 

 

Yes! You are making a good point! I am so sorry you’ve experienced what you have but it seems to have given you so much knowledge. ..and insight into helping others.

 

By the way, what’s your thoughts on the idea of messaging a narcissist just so you can vent and get things off your chest? Without expecting anything else other than to vent? 
 

Thankfully I’m living away from my mom and she has no idea where I live. I’m just wondering if my confronting her via email might make me feel better? ?

 

Anyway, thanks so much. You always offer great advice! 

 

 

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8 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yeah and we have feelings that they will never have mother father son daughter.  Those special feelings aren't in them.  It's like we're on the Walking Dead and our loved one has turned into a zombie.  It's over.  You know whatever we want or need from them isn't possible so we need to move on for our own sanity.

Sooo true!

 

 Thanks so much 👍

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11 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Hey chumly, my narcissistic mom has been a major contributor to my recent 2 breakdowns. ....

I would stay away....not engage...maybe show up to the occasional family day and keep your distance.

I definitely wouldn't open up those communication channels of emails, texts or calls... There is no escape when they have you on your phone.

Just no. Don't make my mistake of getting involved again.

 

 

 

I have to admit…this one really has me thinking! 

I know you offer a lot of insight on narcissism due to your own experiences so I’m really wondering if I should take your advice and just not bother with her anymore?

Of course this would mean that I’d never see her again since she’s up there in age already and there’s no family functions or anything like that. ..but I suppose there is something freeing about not having to think about this insane person anymore.

Anyway, thanks so much again for the insight..👍

 

 

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1 hour ago, chumly said:

Thanks very much for your very interesting take on this! I really appreciate it. This is very insightful!

Im actually one step away from doing no contact with her and I forgot to mention that part of why I agreed to talk to her is because there’s a few things I’d like to say to her that I think might make me feel better to get off my chest but I’m definitely going to keep your insight in mind here. In fact, I will even mention what you suggested to my therapist that I’m seeing tomorrow.

Anyway, thanks so much for this advice again! I really appreciate it..👍

Of course,

The diplomacy of relationships can be messy sometimes but yeah I would not be afraid to try new tactics or strategies in your life in any area if what you are currently doing you are not happy with.

A good way to try to develop good social diplomacy skills is to try to see the other person's perspective. They might be in a rut or have a warped or skewed perception but if you can understand where they are coming from it is often possible to at least have a functional working relationship.

In this case I would say with a blood relative ideally you would want to get to a place where you could have a functional relationship and maybe with some safeguards to avoid either party being triggered.

I think it is a great idea to talk about some of your ideas to the therapist, it is always good to get a professional opinion and I would try to ensure you tell them the important components so they can give you the best advice possible.

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6 hours ago, chumly said:

By the way, what’s your thoughts on the idea of messaging a narcissist just so you can vent and get things off your chest? Without expecting anything else other than to vent? 

She will upset you by replying..Simple as. She will 100% gaslight you and dismiss your feelings.

I know that you love her. Maybe just tell her that. And stay away for the majority of the time 🤔

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Yeah she will respond in a way that you'll have to say something back.  She'll know exactly what to say to make things continue.  They have a way of making us addicted to them.  Me just sending one message and things ending there is like me saying I'll just drink one beer.  It can happen but it's as likely as a flying saucer landing in the front yard and seeing bigfoot walk out the door.

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16 hours ago, Evergreenforst4 said:

Of course,

The diplomacy of relationships can be messy sometimes but yeah I would not be afraid to try new tactics or strategies in your life in any area if what you are currently doing you are not happy with.

A good way to try to develop good social diplomacy skills is to try to see the other person's perspective. They might be in a rut or have a warped or skewed perception but if you can understand where they are coming from it is often possible to at least have a functional working relationship.

In this case I would say with a blood relative ideally you would want to get to a place where you could have a functional relationship and maybe with some safeguards to avoid either party being triggered.

I think it is a great idea to talk about some of your ideas to the therapist, it is always good to get a professional opinion and I would try to ensure you tell them the important components so they can give you the best advice possible.

Thanks so much for the further insight on this! I really appreciate it!

 

 Thanks again 👍

 

 

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11 hours ago, Nightjar said:

She will upset you by replying..Simple as. She will 100% gaslight you and dismiss your feelings.

I know that you love her. Maybe just tell her that. And stay away for the majority of the time 🤔

Thanks so much! Great advice and I hope you are doing well yourself!

 

😊👍

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6 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yeah she will respond in a way that you'll have to say something back.  She'll know exactly what to say to make things continue.  They have a way of making us addicted to them.  Me just sending one message and things ending there is like me saying I'll just drink one beer.  It can happen but it's as likely as a flying saucer landing in the front yard and seeing bigfoot walk out the door.

Great point! I like your analogy to an alcoholic only having one beer..👍…so true!

 

Anyway, thanks again 😊👍

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