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Losing control

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How I'm feeling exactly is hard to explain. But I feel like I'm losing control of myself and acting impulsively. I feel empty inside and have no emotions besides a burning anger inside me. I some times have thoughts about harming myself, but it's mostly about harming others. I feel like an absolute MONSTER, or some insane serial killer for having these thoughts. I don't want to hurt anyone! But why can't I stop constantly thinking about it?!

Also lately things haven't been seeming "real" to me. I don't know if it's depersonalization or some type of dissociation state or my anxiety playing tricks on me. I suffer from PTSD, borderline personality disorder, major depression, and anxiety disorder. I just want to be the happy and calm person like I know I'm capable of being, not this evil "alter ego" who I don't recognize. Has anyone ever gone through similar? Right now i feel so alone.

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Welcome new friend to our forum family.

We are here to help each other as best we can.

I can give you my insight into the nature of depression.

I tend to experience depression as a natural formation / resource.

When we find ourselves lost and trapped within then Old Man Depression takes over.

We all have a vast, dark, empty abyss.

The trick is to metaphorically anchor oneself outside the depression "cave".

I believe we are never helpless confronting Old Man Depression.

My motto: Despair not / Repair a lot.



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I was a military veteran and I had anger and thoughts like those before.

It takes a lot of work to recover from this. One of the most basic things is to call the crisis line if you ever feel out of control with thoughts of harming yourself or others.

It is also wise to realize that you can be happy and have a better life, there are many people out their with misdirected rage and anger and they hurt people in their rage but what happens is that they end up ruining their life.

These people tend to feel hopeless and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, I wrote another post about that.

Beyond that I would look at physical outlets. I do bodybuilding and jujitsu, these are good physical sports, lifting weights can burn the aggression energy you have and make you feel powerful. It is better to use your anger in a constructive way to build yourself up as opposed to tearing others down.

I would also draw art, I used bright red colors and would draw angry faces and I play piano. If you have no clue how to paint you could try a class or watch Bob Ross and get a cheap canvas or really any medium.

Another thing that helped me, it might help you is to listen to classical music or children's nursery rhymes or 80s Rock.

You will have to experiment a bit to figure out what works for you.

Generally at the core, people who feel rage and anger feel this way becaise they percieve an injustice the natural cause of anger is percieved injustice. Sometimes it is valid, or sometimes it is warped by our non omnipotent perception. An example is being angry at someone you think stole something from you but you come to find that it was simply misplaced.

I don't know your story but maybe you feel mistreated by other people. We cannot control others but we are able to do two things 1. Use anger constructively 2. Choose the people we associate with.

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