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Unable to Forgive Myself :( (Help)


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Months and months ago, I dated a girl, who I chose not to pursue at the time because she had an STI (herpes).  She since rejected me and doesn't want to give me another chance.  It's been a long time now, and for some reason I've been beating myself up endlessly for this choice of mine on loop... (sometimes literally). Though ironically, I was trying to protect my sexual health, and one might argue that it was an acceptable decision, I've been beating myself up for this on loop, again and again and again. 

I've not been able to move past it, despite my efforts in therapy and with medication. 

I wanted to at least have intimacy with her for a little while, just to know what it'd be like. But now I'll never know....


I wish I could just forgive myself for this already, and accept my choices/the outcome,  but I'm really having a lot of trouble.  Been in a really dark place over it :(.   Any advice for moving on without torturing myself would be appreciated.

 

 

 

Edited by Kabuto
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There is never a need to torture yourself.

You invoked the "dark place" metaphor so my approach is to counteract the metaphorical darkness with metaphorical light.

Perhaps it is time to declare a temporary truce with yourself with the goal of a permanent peace treaty.

Invoking a metaphor changes our brain chemistry ever so slightly.

We all have unlimited access to clever and powerful metaphors or as I like to call them: CLEVERFUL MEDaphors.

Maybe this can help a little.

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I would just make a tinder account and put myself out there. It kinda sucks to hear but the best way I've found to stop obsessing over someone it didn't work out with is to put yourself out there until you uhhh find someone new to obsess over. 

 

It's draining af going on multiple dates till you find someone you gel with but it's so much better than having someone else living in your head rent-free. 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, KalahariDessert said:

I would just make a tinder account and put myself out there. It kinda sucks to hear but the best way I've found to stop obsessing over someone it didn't work out with is to put yourself out there until you uhhh find someone new to obsess over. 

 

It's draining af going on multiple dates till you find someone you gel with but it's so much better than having someone else living in your head rent-free. 

I do put myself out there, it's tough to find that match, you know?  Part of the problem is I'm stuck in the house a lot due to my chronic energy issues...

 

 

Edited by Kabuto
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Posted (edited)
On 4/24/2022 at 2:54 PM, Oscar K said:

There is never a need to torture yourself.

You invoked the "dark place" metaphor so my approach is to counteract the metaphorical darkness with metaphorical light.

Perhaps it is time to declare a temporary truce with yourself with the goal of a permanent peace treaty.

Invoking a metaphor changes our brain chemistry ever so slightly.

We all have unlimited access to clever and powerful metaphors or as I like to call them: CLEVERFUL MEDaphors.

Maybe this can help a little.

I'll try. I know torturing myself for past events that cannot be undone is counterproductive. I think what saddens me most is that I didn't properly convey my intent. There were so many misunderstandings. It's too late to undo all that now, I suppose. I'd like to be able to reconcile with her some day, but I'm trying to focus other priorities, things more within my control. And other positive aspects to my life. It's been difficult, but I'm trying.

Edited by Kabuto
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8 hours ago, Kabuto said:

I do put myself out there, it's tough to find that match, you know?  Part of the problem is I'm stuck in the house a lot due to my chronic energy issues...

 

 

Hi Kabuto,

What kind of energy issues do you have? Have you ever tried essential oils, crystals or supplements or hydration electrolytes?

Energy is weird in that we might believe if we save it we would get more but you actually have to waste energy to get more energy. It sounds counter intuitive.

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  • 2 months later...
Posted (edited)

It will be hard if we will not forgive ourselves. We will not be able to move forward. A choice was made and it didn't work out as expected. Instead of being judgemental, I would forgive myself. And if she wouldn't be interested to talk anymore, I wouldn't pursue. Because, that was her choice. I would be still open for the possibilities in future, but without any force, keeping myself open to help whenever needed.

I hope you will find peace and balance that once you had.

Edited by Deep_joy
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