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I'm new and this is my first post. Like most on here, I have a long story (history) of trying to figure out how to be better. Tried what seems like 100's of different meds. Different Drs/nurse practitioners and even did some psychiatric counseling. Im 53 years old and sad that so much time has passed dealing with it, and I'm not excited about being like this till I die. I know what's right and wrong. I know all the things said to do. Exercise, meditation, etc, etc. But here I am still hoping. I'm just rambling now, but my question is, does anyone else just want someone to talk too or feel like you have caused so much pain to your spouse that you just cant bring it up anymore because you know they are growing tired of all the negatives.

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To better explain my question, what can a person do when I am stuggling with issues between visits with my counselor? One of my biggest problems that Ive been trying to fight is Retroactive Jealousy. It comes out of nowhere and it takes over my thinking and I get to a point that I need to talk to someone. My wife is the one I need to talk to, but she is tired of going over the past. I dont blame her but at the same, I need some help.

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Hi Bowhunter,

There are a lot of people here who mean well it is just the case that some sub forums are often overlooked and people with depression may withdraw or be slow to reply.

It sounds like you may either feel somewhat needy with an anxious attachment theory and your wife may have an avoidant one. This is also why you post a couple times upset with no answer.

I have been reading a book on attachment theory. Anxious attached people.when in distress want to come together times and avoidant people want to withdraw. This causes a lot of suffering for the anxious people.

It is kind of like a Chinese finger trap in that if you can become more secure you will have less jealousy and neediness many of the problems will go away.

The best way to become more secure is to find a role model of someone who had similar situations who is secure like a male friend similar age with a spouse or different people in the community you know.

Edited by Evergreenforst4
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8 hours ago, Evergreenforst4 said:

Hi Bowhunter,

There are a lot of people here who mean well it is just the case that some sub forums are often overlooked and people with depression may withdraw or be slow to reply.

It sounds like you may either feel somewhat needy with an anxious attachment theory and your wife may have an avoidant one. This is also why you post a couple times upset with no answer.

I have been reading a book on attachment theory. Anxious attached people.when in distress want to come together times and avoidant people want to withdraw. This causes a lot of suffering for the anxious people.

It is kind of like a Chinese finger trap in that if you can become more secure you will have less jealousy and neediness many of the problems will go away.

The best way to become more secure is to find a role model of someone who had similar situations who is secure like a male friend similar age with a spouse or different people in the community you know.

Thank you for responding. You are exactly right about the difference between my wife and I. I have told her so many times from when we started dating that it was important to me to be open with each other about everything. Things I needed to know to feel secure, she didnt like talking about. So I would feel I was being wierd and was wrong and I would stop. This still didnt help me. 

Anyways, I think her being uncomfortable and my need to talk made my issues progress to the point Im at now. Its an addiction now. She knows I have a problem and wants to help but any talk about something personal gets her upset and crying. She's a great person but not good at sincere talks. 

My mind has me convinced thats its so terrible, but I know Im lucky to have what I have. I just cant get my mind to let me live my life. It really is sad that I, and si many other people have to live like this.

Retroactive Jealousy OCD. Obsessive thoughts/Anxiety/Compulsive Behavior/Temporary relief. Repeat over and over. 

 

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EvergreenForrest4.

I looked up the anxious attachment and avoidant. I think I actually am a little bit of both. Overall, I really am all over the place. I guess it depends on what day it is, but my insecurities and need for reassurance was always an issue too.

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On 1/25/2022 at 6:44 AM, Bowhunter said:

Thank you for responding. You are exactly right about the difference between my wife and I. I have told her so many times from when we started dating that it was important to me to be open with each other about everything. Things I needed to know to feel secure, she didnt like talking about. So I would feel I was being wierd and was wrong and I would stop. This still didnt help me. 

Anyways, I think her being uncomfortable and my need to talk made my issues progress to the point Im at now. Its an addiction now. She knows I have a problem and wants to help but any talk about something personal gets her upset and crying. She's a great person but not good at sincere talks. 

My mind has me convinced thats its so terrible, but I know Im lucky to have what I have. I just cant get my mind to let me live my life. It really is sad that I, and si many other people have to live like this.

Retroactive Jealousy OCD. Obsessive thoughts/Anxiety/Compulsive Behavior/Temporary relief. Repeat over and over. 

 

I can somewhat relate as I had dated a nightshift nurse for years that often gave me the cold shoulder.

What really helps is to find other hobbies and passions. For example I play piano and guitar and do Brazillian Jujitsu and go to church and workout a lot. Having a lot of activities can keep you from feeling alone and it also makes you more attractive and secure so then you do not always emotionally unload on a person and overwhelm them.

I think having things to appreciate as well. Sometimes with this mindset nothing will ever really be enough if you feel insecure. What I mean is for example, I went on a date with a woman who practically threw herself at me but I still felt insecure, there is a confidence that has to come from within yourself on your own journey and this is hard to do for people who feel insecure of have fears and insecurities of abandonment.

The attachments usually happen because of unmet needs during childhood and people begin to believe the world is not a place where they can get needs met and they long for companionship.

It is like a catch 22 because sometimes when you do feel secure you will go pursue your own interests but then on empty you might feel jealous or clingy and it is hard to do things

It is kind of like timing. When you have the periods of feeling alone you have to act strong and then when you have together time you can act alone or vulnerable instead of the opposite, I am not sure if that makes sense.

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On 1/28/2022 at 8:46 AM, Evergreenforst4 said:

I can somewhat relate as I had dated a nightshift nurse for years that often gave me the cold shoulder.

What really helps is to find other hobbies and passions. For example I play piano and guitar and do Brazillian Jujitsu and go to church and workout a lot. Having a lot of activities can keep you from feeling alone and it also makes you more attractive and secure so then you do not always emotionally unload on a person and overwhelm them.

I think having things to appreciate as well. Sometimes with this mindset nothing will ever really be enough if you feel insecure. What I mean is for example, I went on a date with a woman who practically threw herself at me but I still felt insecure, there is a confidence that has to come from within yourself on your own journey and this is hard to do for people who feel insecure of have fears and insecurities of abandonment.

The attachments usually happen because of unmet needs during childhood and people begin to believe the world is not a place where they can get needs met and they long for companionship.

It is like a catch 22 because sometimes when you do feel secure you will go pursue your own interests but then on empty you might feel jealous or clingy and it is hard to do things

It is kind of like timing. When you have the periods of feeling alone you have to act strong and then when you have together time you can act alone or vulnerable instead of the opposite, I am not sure if that makes sense.

Thanks so much for just talking to me. Alot you say does pertain to me. I have so much to be happy for but yet Im always looking for something else. I really couldn't ask for more. Im not rich but I do have everything I hoped for. My wife really is a great person. Ive been 10x worse than she ever was but yet I still get this way. 

I never saw it years ago but I now know Im insecure. We started dating when I was 19, she 17. I knew of her other boyfriends before me and with my insecurities, I needed to know where I stood or how I compared. I never wanted either of us to have secrets and I needed reassurance that she had nothing she was hiding from me. She wasnt one to do alot with other boyfriends but yet shes never been comfortable talking about what she did. So to me Ive always felt that if theres not much to it, then it shouldn't be hard to talk about it. It was very important to me to feel secure that I wasnt going to be hurt or embarrassed and the desire for that information kept growing and now its like an addiction. I hate it because just out of nowhere, someone's name will pop up in my head out of nowhere.

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On 1/28/2022 at 8:50 AM, Evergreenforst4 said:

Another thing you could try as well is couples counseling or marriage retreats. Sometimes they can help I was going to do the last relationship I had but she did not want to.

Yeah, she has mentioned that. My reply was that I didnt want to go because I didnt need to have someone else telling me how wrong I am. As much as I make it sound like my wife is the cause, it really is my issues that are the root of it all. 

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