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Depressed for 6 months+ over a girl I dated


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I dated a girl 6 months ago who had confided in me she had genital herpes.  I was on the fence regarding whether I wanted to take the sexual health risk (even if it were to be minimal with the proper protections)  After a lot of back and forth deliberation at the time I decided not to.  She decided to stop seeing me,  likely for this reason.  

6 months later I’m still not over her, nor am I over my past decisions.   I feel like I loved her though she seems to have long since moved on. Her birthday just passed and I feel like crying about it. I’d love to change her mind to give me another chance but I attempted to already and that’s likely not going possible.  Tips to move on and not feel depressed over her or that missed “opportunity”?  

Edited by Kabuto
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  • Kabuto changed the title to Depressed for 6 months+ over a girl I dated

Hi Kabuto.  Nice to see you.

I am so sorry you are in the situation you describe.  Although I am not in your shoes, I have been in a situation very similar to what you describe.  Sadly I am not the person to ask for advice since I was unable to get over this girl for 13 years.  So you can see that I am really the last person on earth to offer advice!

When we are in love we can sort of idolize a person.  We are kind of dazzled by their good qualities and can be sort of blind to their defects.  We are sort of "illusioned" about them.  When we fall out of love, the reverse happens.  We become disillusioned.  We start to see the other person's defects.  A lot of times, things we thought were cute and adorable about the person can even start getting on our nerves.  There are books and articles, even on the internet on how to "fall out of love with someone."  Disillusionment takes times but books and articles on how to fall out of love can help speed up the process sometimes.  Maybe it is something to consider.

But like I said at the beginning, I'm the last person to give advice!  Best to you Kabuto!

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Hi Kabuto,

Epicetus is right. There is a psychlogical bias. I date a lot all the time and I remember many times while I was with the girl I felt disatisfied but once I broke up with her then I wanted her back.

Some people call it playing hard to get or wanting what you can't have. I will tell you that there are a lot of successful and attractive women out there and it seems like more women than men as they do not live as long men die more because they are less biologically resilient and risky behaviors.

You may find a perfectly nice women and it is important to appreciate what you have before its gone.

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  • 1 month later...

You're all right, thank you. It's painful, but I am starting to get over her.  And thanks @Epictetus for being so supportive to me over the years, you're a kind person.

When it comes to regret:

  • Did I make the best decision that I could at the moment?
  • Am I discounting any positives that did come out of the decision or event from the past? Am I just focusing only on the negative points today?
  • Did I know ‘then’ what I know ‘now’? Chances are you may have thought over and over about a past situation or decision and as a result may have new insights. However, is it fair to blame yourself today when you did not have these insights in the past?

As writer Ralph Waldo Emerson says on making each day a masterpiece:

"Finish every day and be done with it. For manners and for wise living it is a vice to remember. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely, and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day for all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the rotten yesterdays."

Edited by Kabuto
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