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Should I send my toxic mom a courtesy message for Christmas?


chumly

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As some people on here already know, I have a very mentally disturbed mother that I am on the outs with. I have distanced myself from her for close to 2 years now. She does not know where I live at this point and I plan to keep it that way and I have not read any of her messages or listened to any of her voicemails for most of that time as well. I’ve actually saved her messages to a special email since I will likely read them another time…hopefully with the help of a good therapist and when I feel up to it but for the last few years I have not. 

Anyway, apparently she’s been trying to contact me a little more than usual lately but like I said, I don’t feel ready to deal with her right now. I would like to get a better therapist than the one I currently have first so that I have better support when reading her messages since I’m assuming that there will be things said that will anger me again. Unfortunately her condition causes her to be very nasty and mean to me…despite the fact that she repeatedly tells me she loves me.

Anyway, with all this said, I was thinking of sending my mom a short Christmas/ courtesy message to just wish her a happy holiday and to let her know that I’m on a mental health break and that I’ll catch up with her no later than April of next year. I won’t read her response but I’ll just send the quick message.

Just wondering if others think this sounds like a good idea? 

A part of me really does not think she deserves any “ courtesy “ from me due to how nasty she has been but I guess since it’s the holidays I’m feeling a bit more forgiving at the moment.

Anyway, just wondering what others think? Should I send this “courtesy “ message? Thanks in advance 👍

 

 

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Since you said you have saved other communications from her to be read when you are stronger,  perhaps a simple wishing you a  happy holidays.  It would allow you peace that at least you did this much.  IMO, I wouldn't say anything else. Your mother may see this as a way into your life, especially giving her the information about when she may hear from you. You may not be ready by spring to resume a relationship with her.  

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6 hours ago, nojoy said:

Since you said you have saved other communications from her to be read when you are stronger,  perhaps a simple wishing you a  happy holidays.  It would allow you peace that at least you did this much.  IMO, I wouldn't say anything else. Your mother may see this as a way into your life, especially giving her the information about when she may hear from you. You may not be ready by spring to resume a relationship with her.  

Very good point! Thanks so much for this great advice! I really appreciate it.

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Hi, I suppose you would not ask that question if you would not care. So despite any other issues. Do it - send her a message. You won't be able to bring your mom back when she is gone. Not everything , but almost everything can be helped and fixed. Always takes two. So I would encourage you to do so and wish her Happy Holidays

 

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2 hours ago, Svenetc said:

Hi, I suppose you would not ask that question if you would not care. So despite any other issues. Do it - send her a message. You won't be able to bring your mom back when she is gone. Not everything , but almost everything can be helped and fixed. Always takes two. So I would encourage you to do so and wish her Happy Holidays

 

Very, very good point and thankyou so much…it makes a lot of sense…👍

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On 12/21/2021 at 11:41 PM, Epictetus said:

I also agree.  Sorry that your mother is mentally disturbed.  My father was mentally disturbed too.  I'm also sorry that you have suffered so much.  My heart goes out to you!

Thanks so much! I appreciate the kind words. I’m sorry about your dad too. My heart goes out to you as well! 

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I also agree. I feel many people could probably relate to her as well because a lot of people struggle with mental health issues.

It seems like she does care but is just a flawed person. Sometimes when people are lonely they also show their worst side.

I remember this old disney movie it was called don't look under the bed but I remember the imaginary friends turned into monsters when the kids stopped believing in them. Sometimes I think that is the same with people too they need someone who believes in them

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  • 2 weeks later...

So, did you send the greeting? How did it make you feel? Anything come of it?

I once estranged myself from my mother for nearly three years. It was one of the best things I ever did. Forced me to get ahead with my own life and stop playing her manipulative games. For the record, she was an abusive, angry drunk/BPD type person. I disposed of all her letters and phone messages during this time and never had any desire to know their contents.

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  • 1 month later...
On 12/26/2021 at 3:49 PM, Evergreenforst4 said:

I also agree. I feel many people could probably relate to her as well because a lot of people struggle with mental health issues.

It seems like she does care but is just a flawed person. Sometimes when people are lonely they also show their worst side.

I remember this old disney movie it was called don't look under the bed but I remember the imaginary friends turned into monsters when the kids stopped believing in them. Sometimes I think that is the same with people too they need someone who believes in them

This is so true! Thanks so much...I think this is an excellent point! 

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On 1/4/2022 at 11:00 PM, John_in_SF said:

So, did you send the greeting? How did it make you feel? Anything come of it?

I once estranged myself from my mother for nearly three years. It was one of the best things I ever did. Forced me to get ahead with my own life and stop playing her manipulative games. For the record, she was an abusive, angry drunk/BPD type person. I disposed of all her letters and phone messages during this time and never had any desire to know their contents.

Hi there! I am soooo sorry! I had no idea there was any further responses to this post! I dont get notifications but I think I set that up now! Sorry again!

Thanks so much for the response! Anyway, to answer your very good questions...yes, I did send the "courtesy message" to her. As mean as she has been to me I still felt bad to keep saying that I would contact her and never having followed through yet...it has been almost 2 years now so I thought that it might take some of the guess work out of her life by giving her a time period as to when to expect to hear from me. To be honest...she really did not even deserve that much consideration, but I guess I have a conscience...which I think is kind of the opposite of her. I am reading more and more about toxic narcissists, and I think she really is one of them! She tends to think she can get away with mistreating me by buying me things...like cars, trips, clothes, etc... It is a way of trying to control me apparently.

 

Anyway, to get back to your question...yes, I did feel a bit better after sending the message but then I found out that she told it to my sister. She told my sister that I said I was too busy to get back to her until Spring. Of course, that is NOT what I said. I said I was not in the right frame of mind and I don't expect to be in the right frame of mind until the Spring. ...there is a difference...so apparently, she already twisted what I said and put words in my mouth. I got the feeling she was telling my sister in a complaining tone too, so I guess I can't win with this person! SMH!

 

Anyway, I am so sorry to hear that you had a toxic mom yourself! But good for you for doing what is right for yourself! It is so great for me to hear from people that have over-came the damages of having a toxic parent and went on to live happy and healthy lives! This is so encouraging! Thanks so much for sharing that with me!!:)

 

 

 

 

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