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Unending Grief


GroovyChick

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I am stuck in a continuous state of grief.  I've been here for the last six years since my sister passed away from multiple myeloma in May of 2015.  She always seemed to be the most level-headed of the three of us and I would be guaranteed pragmatic solutions anytime I went to her with any problems I was having.  As our mother's mental health declined, she took the reins of mom's personal and financial affairs that included landlord duties of the apartments in our family's multi family home where we all lived at one time or another with and without our exes (and where mom still resides with her live in aide today). Mom is 97 now and I have done my best carrying on with the job I inherited.  My brother doesn't want to be involved for reasons I won't go into here so I am 'it'.  I have a full-time job so thankfully, my visits to mom's are limited to two days a week because I absolutely dread going there.  Not because I don't want to see my mother but because the ghosts of the past are there.  When I enter the border of the town, I immediately feel my heart sink and  it gets worse when I pull in the driveway. I 'see' my sister sitting at the table with her spouse when she lived in what is now my mother's apartment.  If I go downstairs, I am taken back to the '80s when I lived there with my ex.  We would sometimes all play a game of Scrabble with the other tenants that lived there, laughing and having fun.  I see myself as a kid on a warm summer day standing on the narrow sideboards of my dad's VW beetle while tightly gripping the roof through the open window as he slowly drove down the driveway and hearing 'Something' by the Beatles playing on the radio.  The list goes on and on.  Every memory feels like a dagger penetrating my soul.  Today, the house to me is just an empty shell of what once was.  I can't stand it.  Once mom goes, I have to sell the house since it will be unbearable at that point.  Of course, the town isn't the same either. I don't think there are many-if any-of the families I knew still living there. I only see unfamiliar faces as I drive to the one and only supermarket-the place where we all used to shop.   I feel like a stranger.  I am feeling completely alone even though I have a spouse and an adult child. I keep it all in because I don't want to sound needy and because I don't really have anyone to talk with about it-at least not anyone who can understand. What does one do with all this pain?  People deal with loss and change all the time, don't they?  Is this the way everyone feels or is it just me?  

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I feel that everyone handles grief differently.  In my family, I am the only one that did not feel anything when my father (in 97), my mother (in2015), or my fave sister-in-law (1 month & 1 day after my mother).  I found it confusing when my father died & my mother mourned for the loss of my father when for many years  she cursed the day she met him.  The same when my older brother's wife died, she treated him like something on the bottom of her shoe, The younger brother stilled mourned the loss of his first wife for years. His second wife lived with the first wife's memory for the 10 years they were together (lived together for 3 years til they married.  

What worked for my mother was she found a grief support group. My older brother still has difficulty being alone.  The younger one's 2 wife finally put her foot down & told him what was going to happen if he continued being morbid from Aug to Oct each year.  

So I'm not the best source for dealing with grief. But I can imagine the difficulty you experience each time you go to your mother's.  Have you thought of doing something just for yourself on those days, like stopping for your favorite coffee or smoothie, take a walk or doing something you enjoy.  There are many books written about grief, just keep looking for one the you can relate to.  And know you are not alone. 

Take care of yourself

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This is a very difficult situation. We all need to understand people around us will not be with us forever. We cannot do much to bring them back. I volunteered to serve people in need and this gave me a sense of purpose in life.

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  • 1 month later...

Update: Well, mom passed away on December 14.  I tried to reach out to my late sister's husband and found out he died in 2018!  I feel horrible i never contacted him sooner.  His family never tried to reach me either.  Now I have another dilemma:  I found out I can't do anything with the house since the deed was in both mine and my sister's name.  I can't reach my late brother-in-law's family.  I've left messages for his daughter and cousin.  No one is calling me back.  I'm worried that they may be avoiding me.  Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions way too soon.  It sucks being sensitive.

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12 hours ago, GroovyChick said:

Update: Well, mom passed away on December 14.  I tried to reach out to my late sister's husband and found out he died in 2018!  I feel horrible i never contacted him sooner.  His family never tried to reach me either.  Now I have another dilemma:  I found out I can't do anything with the house since the deed was in both mine and my sister's name.  I can't reach my late brother-in-law's family.  I've left messages for his daughter and cousin.  No one is calling me back.  I'm worried that they may be avoiding me.  Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions way too soon.  It sucks being sensitive.

I know what you're going through believe me.  I would talk to a lawyer about this situation to make sure things are done right.  The situation is a very complicated situation.  I think you are going to need help to get through this.

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