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Am I the bad guy?


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I need an outside opinion on this if possible. I don't want to be too specific as I am terrified of my spouse finding this and being more angry. Sorry for the long post.

I have struggled with depression/anxiety my whole life untreated (in thearpy seeking treatment now). My spouse and I have been together many years during which they have continually put me down for various reasons on a nearly daily basis. They use the vulnerabilities I've told them to hurt me many times just to win unrelated arguments and told me I'm using my mental health as a cop out to be "lazy. I've messed up too by trying to stop them from leaving (they use threat of divorce often to stop me from putting boundaries for myself or defending myself) and by saying hurtful things reactively.

They have health problems that have gotten much worse in recent years. This had lead to me being responsible for nearly every domestic chore despite being a full time salaried worker myself. I have a special needs child and special need pet that require extra attention as well. I can't get it all done and my anxiety, guilt and lack of time leads to me never sleeping enough. 

My spouse has few assigned "chores" aside from finances and is able to go to bed early, sleep in, play video games etc. They even refused to get up at night to help me with our then newborn even though I hadn't slept in days and was desperate. Despite this my spouse complains that I struggle to get it all done or ridicules what I am able to get done, such as complaining that I make the same meal too often or get enough cleaning done etc.

They seem to expect me to read their mind at times, getting very angry the other morning for not making lunch item they never asked for. When I assert they should just ask they say that I'm being controlling and forcing them to use a script. When I have told them to find their own food they said I am a cruel, vindictive **bleep** that's withholding food. I said as an adult, they are responsible for feeding themselves and they said I am mocking them and they will be divorcing me.

They are dealing with a suicide in the family, but I too am dealing with the death of 2 family members and a miscarriage (i was told my family didn't count as I didn't spend enough time with them per my spouse's opinion)

They said they are hurting right now and if I cared I'd "shut up and do it (make their food)" and that I'm a horrible person for "creating" the argument and "mocking" them at such a time.

They also outright blame me for various health problems, loss of friends and other things I have no control over.

Is it wrong of me to try to put up boundaries and be a little selfish to protect myself at this point? 

I'm not sure it matters as they said they will be getting their parents to gang up on me later today and have threatened more than once to ruin my reputation at work. 

If I'm not wrong, what do I do next?

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Hello,

I am sorry for the deaths in the family as well as the treatment you have received. Having a miscarriage, special needs child, pet and an immature partner sounds profoundly draining.

I am going to share my honest opinion here.

I think that your partner is acting ungrateful and you should leave him. He does not work, contribute to the house in any meaningful way and if that was not bad enough he has the audacity to be patronizing and disrespectful to you even after you have given him a child.

I do not think they are fit to be with you and you cannot train them because you said you tried to set boundaries and this did not improve any behavior.

When they call you lazy and say they will divorce, they are projecting their own fears onto you. They really mean those things about themselves, they feel insecure that they do not contribute and are fearful about divorce.

In society there are expectations for men and he may feel if his health failing and not contributing he feels embarrassed and insecure and when people feel embarrassed and insecure they typically show their worst versions.

I am saying this not so you feel pity but so you do not take it personally. If I was you I would leave because there is a child involved and you need a loving nurturing world for the child especially because they have special needs.

I can tell you it is better not to have a dad than to have an abusive one. That is what I would do.

If you want to try to save the relationship I would threaten divorce and fan the flames and see if he has a repentant breakdown which could be a catalyst for change. Sometimes people do not appreciate what they have until it is gone. So you could test him a bit but quite honestly it sounds like he already failed your tests.

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Start making a plan, with the end game being your leaving.  Look into a new place to live, the financial requirements of living apart from your spouse, the logistics of your child's special needs/education and a possible loving home for your pet.  Accomplish one thing per day to this end, whether it be posting here on DF, or window shopping ads for homes/apartments/whatever.   Keep your eye on the prize of your making your life peaceful, joyful and guilt-free.  

Baby steps produce hope, which is priceless. 

Good luck to you.

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