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Invasive/False thoughts


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I’ve had depression since I was seventeen. I’m forty now. 
There’s a lot of bad stuff to tell but I really wanted to ask if anybody has had or does have similar thoughts to mine. There’s two main ones.
They won’t make any sense but I’ll try to explain. 
Ever since the start of my depression and preceding it part of me believes I can’t read. I know this isn’t true but part of my mind insists it is. I think it’s to do with doubts about my own intelligence. It manifested as an obsession with reading. Not for pleasure. Basically torturing myself.
It’s never left me in 23 years and causes me untold misery. 
I know it’s because depression affects concentration but knowing it doesn’t help. 
The second is harder to explain. I feel the clothes I’m wearing against the back of my neck and I can’t stand it. I rip all labels from shirts/T-shirts etc if they’re going to touch the back of my neck but still it doesn’t help. This thought I think comes from an obsession with my weight as a teenager. I was skinny and desperately tried to gain weight through weight lifting. I remember feeling my spine rubbing on my shirt at the back of my neck. 
This one is so hard to explain because it’s so insidious. I feel it now even though I’m definitely not skinny anymore, I’m overweight. 
I see people wearing shirts and coats and acting normal when I’m constantly feeling the touch of my clothes on my neck. It invades every waking second of my thoughts. 
I really can’t explain this one very well. It makes me so miserable. 
I’ve used drugs and alcohol for decades trying to escape my depression and these thoughts among many others. 
I’ve had sober periods and tried loads of medications. Had therapy. Been hospitalised. Self harmed. Constant thoughts of suicide although I’ve never really come close to actually ******* myself. 
I’m trying to stay sober now and my medication is ok. It helps a little. 
But with sobriety comes these thoughts and I can’t control or stop them. I feel like my mind always betrays me and I don’t know what it will come up with next to hurt me and make me desperately unhappy. 
Sorry for the long post and the fact that it probably doesn’t make much sense. 
I just really want to know if anyone has similar thoughts to mine because I feel so alone in all this. 

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17 hours ago, Paul2740 said:

I’ve had depression since I was seventeen. I’m forty now. 
There’s a lot of bad stuff to tell but I really wanted to ask if anybody has had or does have similar thoughts to mine. There’s two main ones.
They won’t make any sense but I’ll try to explain. 
Ever since the start of my depression and preceding it part of me believes I can’t read. I know this isn’t true but part of my mind insists it is. I think it’s to do with doubts about my own intelligence. It manifested as an obsession with reading. Not for pleasure. Basically torturing myself.
It’s never left me in 23 years and causes me untold misery. 
I know it’s because depression affects concentration but knowing it doesn’t help. 
The second is harder to explain. I feel the clothes I’m wearing against the back of my neck and I can’t stand it. I rip all labels from shirts/T-shirts etc if they’re going to touch the back of my neck but still it doesn’t help. This thought I think comes from an obsession with my weight as a teenager. I was skinny and desperately tried to gain weight through weight lifting. I remember feeling my spine rubbing on my shirt at the back of my neck. 
This one is so hard to explain because it’s so insidious. I feel it now even though I’m definitely not skinny anymore, I’m overweight. 
I see people wearing shirts and coats and acting normal when I’m constantly feeling the touch of my clothes on my neck. It invades every waking second of my thoughts. 
I really can’t explain this one very well. It makes me so miserable. 
I’ve used drugs and alcohol for decades trying to escape my depression and these thoughts among many others. 
I’ve had sober periods and tried loads of medications. Had therapy. Been hospitalised. Self harmed. Constant thoughts of suicide although I’ve never really come close to actually ******* myself. 
I’m trying to stay sober now and my medication is ok. It helps a little. 
But with sobriety comes these thoughts and I can’t control or stop them. I feel like my mind always betrays me and I don’t know what it will come up with next to hurt me and make me desperately unhappy. 
Sorry for the long post and the fact that it probably doesn’t make much sense. 
I just really want to know if anyone has similar thoughts to mine because I feel so alone in all this. 

No Paul you aren't alone. Many of us have had similar stories. You pretty much wrote the story of my life..

I'm sorry for what you described and how painful it has been over the years.....I'm pretty much sure everyone on here can relate.

.. aside from the fact that I didn't use drugs or alcohol because I wasn't a big fan (I am not judging you ...I just dont like them) but I realize you had your reasons for wanting to escape this painful illness, and when that happens we will use whatever we can so do it.  I am glad you are staying sober and the medication helps you a bit. What about joining a group near where you live? or even online with people who deal with similar problems?  What  I learned from hospital stays and groups is that many people who go through similar problems can be helpful and understanding, far more than a doctor because they can relate to you. Those people usually share tips , advice, and ideas with you so it can be helpful.. My doctors don't know how I feel as much as you guys here do. They just do a diagnosis and that's pretty much it.

I think you are describing OCD/intrusive thoughts .. i've had that since a kid and I still do., in a different way.. I really don't know what the best advice I can give you is because I've never found anything helpful for my OCD and  it has gotten worse to the where I did try to harm myself as well. Basically they say that if you ignore it and dont deal with it , it gets worse over time, and I think that's what happened with me. I could never find anything to help me with it, and in the last 2 years it got worse ...I don't know if you can find a specialist in OCD who maybe can help you with this.??  Some research shows that some vitamins might help with OCD too, and exposure therapy, not sure if you have done that. Also TMS has been shown to help with OCD, but I would ask your therapist if you have one to get a better understanding of why you keep thinking those thoughts.

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Not alone! I have a thing with shirt collars as well, but on the front of my neck. I've always thought it's because the neck is vulnerable and I don't like the feel of anything touching it. But it comes and goes, it's not there all the time. Reading is fine for me, but doing other tasks with people watching I often felt I'd mess up at, and often would because of that distracting thought. Drugs and alcohol, I've done my time there. I'd often have thoughts that I'll simply never give them up, which I discovered was not a permanent truth. Wanting to end my life, that was also not a permanent thought. I give that thought much less power these days, though it may still come and go.

Intrusive thoughts, I've learned, can't easily be willed away. In a sense they have to first be accepted as is, then debated, and over time we can work at giving them less power. I think if we could examine other people's thinking, we'd be surprised at the strange patterns of thought people experience and how similar they are to our own.

I wish you well in developing the skills to deal with these thoughts. In the last year, cognitive behavioral therapy has helped me deal with this better, and it's pretty straight forward to learn. And yeah you're far from alone!

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9 hours ago, csam said:

Not alone! I have a thing with shirt collars as well, but on the front of my neck. I've always thought it's because the neck is vulnerable and I don't like the feel of anything touching it. But it comes and goes, it's not there all the time. Reading is fine for me, but doing other tasks with people watching I often felt I'd mess up at, and often would because of that distracting thought. Drugs and alcohol, I've done my time there. I'd often have thoughts that I'll simply never give them up, which I discovered was not a permanent truth. Wanting to end my life, that was also not a permanent thought. I give that thought much less power these days, though it may still come and go.

Intrusive thoughts, I've learned, can't easily be willed away. In a sense they have to first be accepted as is, then debated, and over time we can work at giving them less power. I think if we could examine other people's thinking, we'd be surprised at the strange patterns of thought people experience and how similar they are to our own.

I wish you well in developing the skills to deal with these thoughts. In the last year, cognitive behavioral therapy has helped me deal with this better, and it's pretty straight forward to learn. And yeah you're far from alone!

On 11/10/2021 at 9:34 PM, Paul2740 said:

I’ve had depression since I was seventeen. I’m forty now. 
There’s a lot of bad stuff to tell but I really wanted to ask if anybody has had or does have similar thoughts to mine. There’s two main ones.
They won’t make any sense but I’ll try to explain. 
Ever since the start of my depression and preceding it part of me believes I can’t read. I know this isn’t true but part of my mind insists it is. I think it’s to do with doubts about my own intelligence. It manifested as an obsession with reading. Not for pleasure. Basically torturing myself.
It’s never left me in 23 years and causes me untold misery. 
I know it’s because depression affects concentration but knowing it doesn’t help. 
The second is harder to explain. I feel the clothes I’m wearing against the back of my neck and I can’t stand it. I rip all labels from shirts/T-shirts etc if they’re going to touch the back of my neck but still it doesn’t help. This thought I think comes from an obsession with my weight as a teenager. I was skinny and desperately tried to gain weight through weight lifting. I remember feeling my spine rubbing on my shirt at the back of my neck. 
This one is so hard to explain because it’s so insidious. I feel it now even though I’m definitely not skinny anymore, I’m overweight. 
I see people wearing shirts and coats and acting normal when I’m constantly feeling the touch of my clothes on my neck. It invades every waking second of my thoughts. 
I really can’t explain this one very well. It makes me so miserable. 
I’ve used drugs and alcohol for decades trying to escape my depression and these thoughts among many others. 
I’ve had sober periods and tried loads of medications. Had therapy. Been hospitalised. Self harmed. Constant thoughts of suicide although I’ve never really come close to actually ******* myself. 
I’m trying to stay sober now and my medication is ok. It helps a little. 
But with sobriety comes these thoughts and I can’t control or stop them. I feel like my mind always betrays me and I don’t know what it will come up with next to hurt me and make me desperately unhappy. 
Sorry for the long post and the fact that it probably doesn’t make much sense. 
I just really want to know if anyone has similar thoughts to mine because I feel so alone in all this. 

No Paul you aren't alone. Many of us have had similar stories. You pretty much wrote the story of my life..

I'm sorry for what you described and how painful it has been over the years.....I'm pretty much sure everyone on here can relate.

.. aside from the fact that I didn't use drugs or alcohol because I wasn't a big fan (I am not judging you ...I just dont like them) but I realize you had your reasons for wanting to escape this painful illness, and when that happens we will use whatever we can so do it.  I am glad you are staying sober and the medication helps you a bit. What about joining a group near where you live? or even online with people who deal with similar problems?  What  I learned from hospital stays and groups is that many people who go through similar problems can be helpful and understanding, far more than a doctor because they can relate to you. Those people usually share tips , advice, and ideas with you so it can be helpful.. My doctors don't know how I feel as much as you guys here do. They just do a diagnosis and that's pretty much it.

I think you are describing OCD/intrusive thoughts .. i've had that since a kid and I still do., in a different way.. I really don't know what the best advice I can give you is because I've never found anything helpful for my OCD and  it has gotten worse to the where I did try to harm myself as well. Basically they say that if you ignore it and dont deal with it , it gets worse over time, and I think that's what happened with me. I could never find anything to help me with it, and in the last 2 years it got worse ...I don't know if you can find a specialist in OCD who maybe can help you with this.??  Some research shows that some vitamins might help with OCD too, and exposure therapy, not sure if you have done that. Also TMS has been shown to help with OCD, but I would ask your therapist if you have one to get a better understanding of why you keep thinking those thoughts.

 

9 hours ago, csam said:

Not alone! I have a thing with shirt collars as well, but on the front of my neck. I've always thought it's because the neck is vulnerable and I don't like the feel of anything touching it. But it comes and goes, it's not there all the time. Reading is fine for me, but doing other tasks with people watching I often felt I'd mess up at, and often would because of that distracting thought. Drugs and alcohol, I've done my time there. I'd often have thoughts that I'll simply never give them up, which I discovered was not a permanent truth. Wanting to end my life, that was also not a permanent thought. I give that thought much less power these days, though it may still come and go.

Intrusive thoughts, I've learned, can't easily be willed away. In a sense they have to first be accepted as is, then debated, and over time we can work at giving them less power. I think if we could examine other people's thinking, we'd be surprised at the strange patterns of thought people experience and how similar they are to our own.

I wish you well in developing the skills to deal with these thoughts. In the last year, cognitive behavioral therapy has helped me deal with this better, and it's pretty straight forward to learn. And yeah you're far from alone!

i can't mine under control no matter what. i think the best is to join a program or find a therapist who does exposure therapy and is really good at it

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