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Hi, my name is Riah. I'm sorry if this isn't the right forum, I just need to say something to get this out. I've been struggling with my mental health for a little over five years now and I've definitely the most depressed I've ever been. I'm a 20 year old white man and I'm a junior in college in the PNW. I just generally feel like I have bad luck. I'm not spiritual or religious, but I can't help thinking I'm a little cursed. I'm gay and it's giving me major identity issues because I'm more masculine. I have various weird health issues and I get sick way more than most people. I've struggled with ED for as long as I've been sexually active. I have a toxic relationship with my parents and my sisters because my parents are shitty when it comes to money. My mom has struggled with depression throughout the time she was raising me and my siblings and it got really bad when my sisters cut her off because she is a very selfish person and only does the absolute bare minimum as a mother. I worked my ass off to get away from home (the midwest) and go somewhere big so I could really immerse myself in my studies and I could just be myself openly. I've already transferred because of money and now I'm trapped in college because of my finances. My last boyfriend I dated for a year and a half, but he was selfish and very manipulative. I feel like I've always been there to support my friends and I'm starting to feel like my energy isn't being reciprocated. I had so many sexual partners I can't even try to count now. I've been going to counseling for 4 years now and I feel like I've been going nowhere and nothing has been getting better. Two weeks ago I started anti-depressants (Lexapro) and I've just been waiting to feel different. I was 36,000 in debt and I spent all summer working my ass off and I was able to pay $10,000 off of my debts so the balance is now 26,000. But I see all these people around me get everything handed to them. And they're rude, inconsiderate, lazy people and they literally get paid to go to college. I just started seeing a new guy this semester and our relationship has been hard because he's in the closet, but I really need someone's support right now so I'm taking what I can get, but he's never dealt with anyone with mental illness so it's hard for him understand. I've held a 3.89 GPA and I'm in the honors program, a double-major with a minor in Spanish, but this semester has been my worst. I can't bring myself to really do any of my assignments and my grades are turning into shit so I might medically withdrawal. My fraternity brothers have really shown me that they don't really care, not a single one has reached out even though I've stopped showing up to events and I sleep all day. I can't even talk to a few of them that I thought I was close with about my shit. Today I was going for a drive to clear my head in my little shitty 300,000 mile 2001 oldsmobile alero that my uncle gave me. The windows don't go down or up, there's a hole where the radio was because if I hook the radio up the dash instruments short out, the dashboard lights up like a Christmas tree, the seats are covered in stains and mildew because the sunroof (the only working window) doesn't close all the way sometimes, and I can't drive it for more than about 45 minutes without it overheating. I really loved that car though, driving was honestly one of the things keeping me sane haha. I got T boned when I was turning left across a lane onto a dirt road today and I ended up in a ditch. I wasn't on my phone, I had just had a counseling appointment earlier that day and it was all I was thinking about. I was lost in my thoughts. My car was totaled and so was the other car, but everyone was ok. It was just a slap to the face though, I just keep thinking about what the other driver was saying, "What the **** is wrong with you kid?" Bro I wish I knew. I'm just trying to do my best and I work hard to achieve my goals, but I feel like I keep getting shit on by lazy, entitled people and I just keep watching these same people get everything handed to them. I worked ****ing hard and it seems like it was all for nothing. It's discouraging and my burnout has never been worse. I hate being gay, it just complicates my relationships and I don't fit in. I don't have many real friends and I can't turn to my family for support. My finances are ****ed and I don't have a car anymore. My academics are suffering as well. All I want right now is to tell a real person all this and for them to listen to me without judgement. I'm just honestly numb and pretty impartial to life right now. Not suicidal at all, I don't believe in that because I know that it will eventually get better, but I just want to reach that point. I've been waiting too long.

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