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Lower Levels of Depression but Now With Lower Self Esteem and Confidence.


Kyle

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I've had what my therapist had called a "lower grade" depression for years now, but have only been on meds for it maybe around 4-5 years and have found its helped somewhat. One thing though that meds haven't been able and probably can't fix is my self esteem and self confidence. Its a subject I've struggled with even after 6 years of therapy, its always been unstable since I was a kid (now 34).

There have been periods of my life where my self-esteem has been great. Through the roof and I've felt like I was on top of the world. Other times its been low and I feel worthless and unworthy, but it always seems to bounce back and settle somewhere in the middle with mild fluctuations over time.

Lately though I've been really struggling. Through therapy, medication and other activities in my life my depression is relatively low but for some reason my self confidence/self esteem has been at maybe an all time low the past year. Maybe its because of the lock down with the pandemic and its effects on isolation but it doesn't add up. I still have my social groups that I go to once a week and talk to people there but its hard to find the will or energy to want to date again or hang out with people I dont already know super well (which is very few people)

I've been feeling pretty worthless lately. I feel ugly, unappealing, unaccomplished, unmotivated and shy and difficult to find the energy to want to talk to people. I've also gained 20lbs since the pandemic started and that really hasn't helped matters. And for as physically active as I am its made that physical activity more difficult. I get this fear that boils up whenever I go out in public these days that I'm not good enough, and that people dont think im worth it. Whether its because of my appearance, or because I dont drive a BMW or because I dont live in the cool part of town or whatever other reason it might be. Some times I when I'm these days out i'll see couples and I get a sinking feeling that its a future i'll never have because people can see how pathetic i've become.

I dont get how my depression could be at lower level than it used to be but my esteem and confidence are stuck at a low. It doesn't add up. Is this something anyone's experienced before? How can I get my confidence and esteem back? I just want to feel good about myself again.

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Hi Kyle,

There was a boy named Elliot Rogers who saw couples and he was unhappy and jealous. Sadly he ended up being a serial killer and died, that is the power and bitterness of jealousy it destroys people from within.

I believe it is possible for you to be confident again as you have said you felt on top of the world before so it is not out of your reach.

It is good your depression is lower now you just work on self esteem.

If you feel self conscious try working out from home. I workout with structured youtube videos and I also do jujitsu. I think finding structure will helo you exercise more consistently, find a program you like and stick with it.

Dating can be hard but you should put yourself out there. I have been dating in the last month and have been on several dates and I think I finally found someone who will want to be my girlfriend now. The hard part about dating is some people are not serious because either they scam people or they are serial cheaters looking for swipes for confidence boosts or they are chronically single people with crazy high standards so do not take it personally if you meet bad people and just be smart about how you do it.

ps. That guy wrote a book about his life as well it is called My Twisted World

 

Edited by Evergreenforst4
mentioning book
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