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hi yall i do not really know how all this works as i just joined today. but i guess i will just go straight ahed and explain my life story in the hopes that someone will read or what ever is actually supposed to happen after i have posted this, 

anyways i have probably rambled too much already, or not... i dont know anymore. everything in my life is just so confusing. i have no idea where to start, how to continue and where to end. i experience extreme anxiety, depression, ptsd and probably even more because io have not really been to a doctor. the last time i was at the hospital, i was maybe 8, i am 19, when my mother was still alive. anyways this life just does not make sense, i try my best to put a smile on everyday, but recently faking a smile is even becoming hard to do. so i am currently in my first year of university/college, its currently the second semester, and if you ask me what i have learnt last semester then i truly have no idea what to tell you. just like if you ask me what i ate last night, or what i did an hour ago. i don know if all this is normal or if need help. 

anyways, i am sick and tired of living like this. 

so the other day i may or not have jeopardized my residence mentor's mentorship because of a stupid thing i did with two friends of mine. i have not spoken to her since the incident because she appears to be angry, and i am angry at myself too. i have tried to reach her by going to her room to apologize in person but she has not been to her room all the times i went there. i dont know what to do and if she will ever forgive me. and if she never forgives me, i will never forgive me , too. anyways. 

also, i really what to get proper help, but i think i probably do not believe in paying for therapy. i want to speak to someone about how i truly feel but my own family members have iced me out for 10 years now and only now that i am in college they want to seem like they care, when in reality, it is when i was 9 years old that i really needed their attention. i just find it weird that they suddenly want to speak to me as if everything is fine, they say if i ever want to speak about anything i should just call, but the thing is i do not feel comfortable talking to them about my feelings because to me they are just equivalent to strangers. 

anyways, thank you for reading. ❤️

 

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Hi and welcome to the Forums.

I am so very, very sorry you are suffering.  It is heartbreaking, really heartbreaking. 

Hopefully you will find these Forums helpful to you. 

It is awful to be alone with suffering and not have understanding people with whom to communicate. 

I often find that it helps me to come here to the Forums to communicate with people going through the same or similar things I am.  I find there is no substitute for that. 

Sometimes feeling bad, even when it has a social cause can involve a medical dimension. 

I was helped enormously by antidepressant medications.  A regular doctor prescribed them for me and they helped so much. 

Don't know if that would be appropriate for you since only a licensed physician can diagnose and treat depression or rule it out as a causal factor.

Therapy can be expensive some times.  I was helped a lot by reading books by famous cognitive behavior therapists, self-help books. 

To be honest, I was helped more by these than by face to face therapy with psychologists although I know face to face therapy is really helpful to some people. 

Many people here come to the Forums every day to write about how they are feeling.  I often do that myself. 

Being weighed down with depression, anxiety and PTSD can be a crushingly heavy burden to bear.  People who struggle against these burdens are heroic in my eyes, since people unburdened with these afflictions have no idea who heavy they are. 

I have met so many kindhearted and compassionate people here and I hope that will be your experience too. 

It is my hope that your friend will be merciful to you.  None of us are perfect and I'm sure your friend has made mistakes in her life too where she depended on the kindness and mercy of others.

The human brain is very complex and it is usually our best friend since it works 24/7 to keep us alive and healthy.  Even while we sleep is working hard. 

But it is not an Infinite, all-seeing, all-knowing, all-perfect Being.  It is a little 3 pound brain doing its best. 

Your brain never wakes up in the morning and says:  "okay, I am going to make a big mistake today on purpose."  It never does that. 

Sometimes it makes mistakes but I think we should be understanding and compassionate towards our brains. 

Even if your friend will not forgive your brain for what happened, I think you should try to because your brain is really the best friend you will ever have in life and it doesn't deserve to be punished for its mistakes.

Anyway, I hope you find this site warm and friendly and I want to wish you only the best here and in your continuing life journey. 

Apologies to you if I have not been able to be helpful.

 

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Hi Honoratha,

I was like you in that I did not think we should for therapy. Most colleges have free therapy or at least part of the tuition.

Also some workplaces have free therapy as well.

I am of the camp that I am okay with paying for it but the person needs to be attentive, caring and genuine.

In my honest opinion I think the best thing you could do right now is work with your University. If I was you I would talk to professors and let them know you are struggling with the material, go to on campus counselors and try to reconcile with your mentorship and friends and try to be a good roomate and get to a better place so you can finish your degree because it opens up a lot of doors

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