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Holding on by a thread


crewneck

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Today I realized how badly broken I really have been inside. I feel like I never really knew how much hot water I have really been till I had another blow to my heart today. I realized that I can't do this alone anymore. No one in my life really knows how deeply wounded I really feel. Not even me I guess. I just can't take it anymore. I'm writing this now kinda tipsy so I apologize if I end up making any mistakes in my writing. I want to believe there is hope and I will one day get past this nightmare of a reality but I sit here crying not knowing how to get out of this dark dark hole. I can't see a future for myself but I want to believe there is one. I just can't feel it. I wish this pain would go away. I just want to end it all sometimes. I don't even know where I went wrong. Where do I even go from here? I have so much to be thankful for but why don't I feel it? I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. It feels like I'm being burnt by fire and I'm willing to do anything to get away from this unbearable pain. I never thought I was going to live to 28 years old. I'm surprised but I feel like another 5 years sounds horrible. I never understood why people wanted to live to an old age. I feel like life feels like a living hell. The more I experience, the more I question why I bother to stay here on earth. My mind is torturing me and I just don't know how to go on every time life throws me a curve ball. I don't understand how people go through life smiling. I feel like every time something terrible happens to me people think I got over it but honestly it kills a part of me inside every time and I don't feel like I can bare the pain anymore. I just act like it didn't bother me but in actuality it made a huge wound in my heart. I feel like something is wrong with me. Why do I feel so much more than other people? It's a curse more than a blessing. I'm not even sure what I'm saying anymore. I think I'm really losing it. I'm just babbling at this point. Normally I would say I'm sorry to everyone for wasting their time reading this post but I don't even have the energy anymore to care for anything. I just hope if one day if I don't make it out of this depression alive I just hope everyone knows how deeply I cared for the people in my life and I wish everyone in this forum all the happiness they think they don't deserve. I truly believe everyone here deserve the world and so much more. Thanks for reading.

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I read your post and know how awful depression can be.

I can only try to offer a little insight regarding the dark, dark hole you mentioned.

Of course the hole is metaphorical.

I believe you are telling yourself that you need light to counteract the darkness.

Also climbing out of a hole is easier when letting go of weighted emotional baggage.

To me depression is a natural formation / resource.

We are never helpless confronting Old Man Depression and powerful and clever metaphors are the way out of the debilitating effects of depression.

You are not wasting our time and I hope this can help even a little.

Oscar

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I know what it's like, looking to the future and thinking there's way too many years of monotony and pain ahead. I've felt the dread of nihilism, not wanting to live to an old age, and not really wanting to be part of this at all. I know that any obstacle or difficulty feels so much more agonizing when you're just not into this game of life. I may not know your pain exactly, but I know these kinds of thoughts.

If you're feeling things are pointless or meaninglessness, that can also be liberating. We create meaning in the small ways we can. You care about other people. They do not always return the sentiment, but that brings more opportunity to bring that light into the world. Standing up for your principles is meaningful. And don't forget to care about yourself as well.

You and I are still young(ish). We have many years ahead of us, and I do admit it intimidates me sometimes. I don't have the same goals in life that I feel many people have, my needs are few. So rather than look to the vast future, I do what I can to make the present bearable. It's not always awesome, but bearable, with a few good times packed into the week. I hope you find the means to do the same. You're not wasting anyone's time here.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 9/29/2021 at 11:02 AM, Evergreenforst4 said:

Hi,

Yeah I think people do not understand men's mental health. Honestly just find a way  to express your feelings either with sports or art you have to have an outlet because it makes people suffer like crazy if they don't

Thats a good  idea. I walk for  5 or  6 miles a day and  it  lets  me clear  my mind and temporarily forget about  my problems.

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