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I’m beginning to accept my PTSD


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I literally cried my eyes out a little while ago. It’s been a really long process and even if right now I feel bad I can see some good changes. I have a hard time connecting to people. It seems to start with my attachment style of dismissive. I now feel I’m also somewhat fearful or anxious. I never really had best friends or girlfriends growing up.

 

When I was 20 I started talking to a girl and we had a deep connection. The problem was there was a list of problems. It was long distance, we were young, had rough childhoods, got codependent for me, she was fearful from her past traumas and her abusive parents. It just goes on and on but I thought at the time that would make us closer. I guess at least for me it did but for her she would always think I would be better off with someone else.
 

I never took it seriously because eventually she would calm down and it would be ok. Until she started to make me feel like crap. I didn’t know until a few months ago her parents were getting divorced at the time. She was in the middle forced to help idk how exactly. This is gonna sound crazy but I think both of us got PTSD. I think her hurting me and being a completely different person plus her parents abuse. I think mine was being hurt by her, never meeting her, her being a completely different person and my loss from the breakup. 
 

I don’t know sometimes I get this feeling of wanting to talk about this but it’s still painful. I would let people know you can feel retraumatized. I tried EMDR therapy because I need therapy to help with this. I just can’t afford it right now and also had a messed up situation with my past therapist. Idk if anyone has had their therapy tell them they couldn’t see them anymore. Idk full story about why but it’s not easy to go through. I always seem to get the painful but interesting life experiences. 

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23 hours ago, mrrd117711 said:

Idk if anyone has had their therapy tell them they couldn’t see them anymore

My last therapist was also really bad for me and dumped me too and that relationship put me off finding a new therapist.

I've also experienced the loss of a breakup from a best friend that I was really close too in my teens, and i've never really been able to connect with others in the same way since.

Glad you're starting to accept your PTSD..  I cant deal with mine and/or don't know how.

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2 hours ago, Charlee said:

My last therapist was also really bad for me and dumped me too and that relationship put me off finding a new therapist.

I've also experienced the loss of a breakup from a best friend that I was really close too in my teens, and i've never really been able to connect with others in the same way since.

Glad you're starting to accept your PTSD..  I cant deal with mine and/or don't know how.

I didn’t get into it but it kinda triggered me with my therapist. Things were actually really good but I guess I’ll never know why. I went into the hospital and they wanted to change my treatment team. I think the psychiatrist there was very pushy and almost like a insensitive scientist. It was definitely not a good experience but that’s just how it worked out. I honestly think he made it worse between me and my old therapist. 
 

This hasn’t been a short process it’s been really tough. The problem for me is people like the 2nd comment random people on internet can say whatever they want. So I keep some stuff vague or am protective. Sometimes all you have to do is survive. I knew that there was people who after many years come out doing better. PTSD can last for so long it’s kinda messed up. I just had to fight through it no matter what happened. The problem is traumas can keep happening. In a weird way that motivated me because lately a lot of stuff was happening and I knew I had to deal with my old stuff. 

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I guess just a quick update. I literally feel like I’m in a daze. This whole time I couldn’t get over everything I went through. So now I kinda am but still feel really cautious. Some moments I’m super angry because I had to live through a lot more than just this experience. Sometimes I’m grateful I’m coming out on the other side. Sometimes I’m kinda looking forward to living my life with a different outlook.
 

The weirdest part is me getting back with her was my go to thought to try to cope. I still think about it but I’m trying not to think like if it doesn’t happen my life is ruined. I also think it would be really difficult. I guess she was the first person I thought of being with hopefully for life. I just try to see it like it also doesn’t have to be the last one. 

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I feel I’m in a daze too, at the bottom of a giant mountain that keeps getting bigger as I look up, then I feel to overwhelmed and can’t face it. But then I’m like am I nursing all this pain because I don’t know how to live without it? But then, opposite opposite, am I trying to convince myself that the pain I’m feeling isn’t real/over indulgence by thinking I’m making it worse for myself by not being able to even start tackling it? Guess I need a therapist to unpack that
 

Tricky with your therapist situation, (insensitive scientist tho 😄) I felt like my old one was the same/she was being arrogant and trying to exert control and the “I’m qualified I know better than you so shut up and do what I say” attitude 😬

Sorry about your friend, maybe you were just in the wrong place in your life/healing journey for the relationship to work? I think about that sometimes, (without trying to lessen the hurt factor)

14 hours ago, mrrd117711 said:

The problem for me is people like the 2nd comment random people on internet can say whatever they want. So I keep some stuff vague or am protective. Sometimes all you have to do is survive. I knew that there was people who after many years come out doing better. PTSD can last for so long it’s kinda messed up. I just had to fight through it no matter what happened. The problem is traumas can keep happening.

I’m trying to just keep surviving, getting to the place where I can see a future beyond this is where I wanna be. 
(I also thought that second comment was odd..)  

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On 9/13/2021 at 12:10 PM, mrrd117711 said:

Until she started to make me feel like crap. I didn’t know until a few months ago her parents were getting divorced at the time. She was in the middle forced to help idk how exactly. This is gonna sound crazy but I think both of us got PTSD. I think her hurting me and being a completely different person plus her parents abuse. I think mine was being hurt by her, never meeting her, her being a completely different person and my loss from the breakup. 

If she turned out to be a very different person to what appeared at first then it is very possible that she is inhumane and is the source of your problems now. So you haven't lost anything really. Of course it could also be someone else who knows of the break up and your distress over it and is using it against you, but I think she sounds like the source of your problem.

The psychiatric and psychological establishment treat all ideas as created in your brain, but are they. The experiments on ESP and telepathy have been done and continue to be done double blinded. That means no related subjects are used. Without relationship there is no real telepathy. The ideas that are hurting you are not your own thinking This is the source of the problem. 

Our own thinking carries our authority, which is why we react to them. Once we realize the hurtful ideas appearing as intrusive thoughts or memories of some past trauma are not our own thinking, then they have no authority. They are bogus. You can discard them and walk away free regardless of the underhanded foul game play. 

Edited by Kyrani
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