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Any words of encouragement are welcome


crewneck

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I feel like I'm just word vomiting because of the level of pain I feel in my heart and mind. I'm so tired...I feel like I reverted back to the level of depression I had that started in 2012. I didn't think I was going to live to this day to be honest. I was dead inside for years. I saw no hope. I've always been extremely scared to fall back that low. I thought I was doing good but it creeped up on me over the year and hit me like a ton of bricks. I just want this pain to end. My anxiety isn't helping either. It just adds to the feeling of "I don't think I'll ever overcome this...or at least come back as a whole person". That level of depression killed parts of me as a person. I wouldn't want my worst enemy to feel that way...I can't believe I'm back to square one. I'm not sure how I'll make it out alive. I want to cry for help but I don't know what anyone can do for me. I want someone to be by my side and never leave. I want them to tell me that everything is going to be ok. I remember being here crying out for help back in 2012. My most extreme message ended up getting deleted and I ended up in the psych ward against my own will shortly after. I'm scared to be there again. I feel like I'm already there. I wake up frequently with my heart beating out my chest and an overwhelming feeling of dread. I just wish I was dead. This is just too painful to go through again. 

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Very sorry to read about your extreme distress.

I can only tell you what has been helpful for me in my struggle with Old Man Depression.

I am a big believer in the power of clever metaphors or as I like to call them: MEDaphors.

I noticed you invoked a few metaphors.

A "ton of bricks" can be quite helpful to drop on unwanted and unneeded and harmful thoughts and memories .

The idea is to play some tricks right back to Old Man Depression.

Maybe this can help a little.

Don't despair, just repair.

Oscar

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I am so very, very sorry that you are suffering  this ordeal, crewneck.  I think depression is the worst illness there is.  People I know who have illnesses that many think of as the worst, have told me that depression is worse than all those.  That has been my experience too. 

Your post helps me and will help so many others here who are struggling under the crushing weight of depression and all that goes along with it in its many nightmarish forms.  I wish I knew what to say that would be helpful to you. Depression is so awful that there are really no good adjectives to describe it.  The pain is so terrible and so intimate.  I've been hospitalized before for depression and that saved my life.  People who have never had to bear the burden of this illness can never, ever really understanding

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Crewneck --

I'm so sorry you're in such pain.  Depression is such a crippling disease.  It has stopped me in my tracks many times in my life--when I was younger, I didn't even think I was worthy of saying aloud how dangerously unhappy and hopeless I felt.  I just battered myself with unfair and dangerous imperatives like: "Other people feel sad, but they're not wallowing in it," (Can you IMAGINE? So cruel to myself . . . ); and "Who cares how I feel? I don't want to bring anyone else down by sharing these feelings;" and "Just die. You know you want to . . . " 

But listen, I know this much is true: somewhere in this universe, in this space you share with other billions of souls, there is comfort out there for the taking. It's here on DF, it's with a close friend or relative; it's in your creativity--whatever that entails (many people don't recognize talent at anything, be it numbers painting, construction--whatever); it's in a clear night sky, or "golden time" in late afternoon, a long walk or drive.  It's hard to imagine, I know, that even one moment of comfort can get you through a bad stretch of misery, but it has happened for me and I believe that it can happen for anyone.  

To this day, Crewneck, I have a bad habit of projecting into a horrible future or haunting the past for all the mistakes I've made, and punishing myself for them.  I'm mean to myself, still, and it's a habit I've yet to break.  I told my sister once, however, how happy I am when I'm driving.  My mother has been in the car with me and noticed this almost immediate change in my affect.  My sister said that it's because I'm in the present moment.  I'm mindful of a task at hand, giving my internal attention to just . . . moving down the road. I swear to you, I drive joyfully. I listen to the music I want to hear, as loud or soft as I want to hear it. I drive with the driver's side window down, my elbow on the window jamb . . . feeling more alive than I ever usually do.  Driving affords me just one turn of the kaleidoscope and changes my outlook on everything.  Maybe it's because it's the only time I know where I'm going, or if I don't, I see any discoveries as an adventure.  When I'm fully in the present, I'm okay with my thoughts; have anticipation of better things.  No, it doesn't last in a continuum, but at least I have a respite for a few moments.

I'm here if you ever want to message me.  Meanwhile, I'll look for your posts.

Thinking of you --

WOTL (woman of the light)

 

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On 9/8/2021 at 5:59 PM, Epictetus said:

I am so very, very sorry that you are suffering  this ordeal, crewneck.  I think depression is the worst illness there is.  People I know who have illnesses that many think of as the worst, have told me that depression is worse than all those.  That has been my experience too. 

Your post helps me and will help so many others here who are struggling under the crushing weight of depression and all that goes along with it in its many nightmarish forms.  I wish I knew what to say that would be helpful to you. Depression is so awful that there are really no good adjectives to describe it.  The pain is so terrible and so intimate.  I've been hospitalized before for depression and that saved my life.  People who have never had to bear the burden of this illness can never, ever really understanding

Thank you Epictetus for your kind words. I remember you were one of the people that commented on my cry for help posts back in 2012. I never forgot that. Your present on this forum doesn't go unnoticed. Thank you.

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On 9/9/2021 at 5:55 AM, womanofthelight said:

Crewneck --

I'm so sorry you're in such pain.  Depression is such a crippling disease.  It has stopped me in my tracks many times in my life--when I was younger, I didn't even think I was worthy of saying aloud how dangerously unhappy and hopeless I felt.  I just battered myself with unfair and dangerous imperatives like: "Other people feel sad, but they're not wallowing in it," (Can you IMAGINE? So cruel to myself . . . ); and "Who cares how I feel? I don't want to bring anyone else down by sharing these feelings;" and "Just die. You know you want to . . . " 

But listen, I know this much is true: somewhere in this universe, in this space you share with other billions of souls, there is comfort out there for the taking. It's here on DF, it's with a close friend or relative; it's in your creativity--whatever that entails (many people don't recognize talent at anything, be it numbers painting, construction--whatever); it's in a clear night sky, or "golden time" in late afternoon, a long walk or drive.  It's hard to imagine, I know, that even one moment of comfort can get you through a bad stretch of misery, but it has happened for me and I believe that it can happen for anyone.  

To this day, Crewneck, I have a bad habit of projecting into a horrible future or haunting the past for all the mistakes I've made, and punishing myself for them.  I'm mean to myself, still, and it's a habit I've yet to break.  I told my sister once, however, how happy I am when I'm driving.  My mother has been in the car with me and noticed this almost immediate change in my affect.  My sister said that it's because I'm in the present moment.  I'm mindful of a task at hand, giving my internal attention to just . . . moving down the road. I swear to you, I drive joyfully. I listen to the music I want to hear, as loud or soft as I want to hear it. I drive with the driver's side window down, my elbow on the window jamb . . . feeling more alive than I ever usually do.  Driving affords me just one turn of the kaleidoscope and changes my outlook on everything.  Maybe it's because it's the only time I know where I'm going, or if I don't, I see any discoveries as an adventure.  When I'm fully in the present, I'm okay with my thoughts; have anticipation of better things.  No, it doesn't last in a continuum, but at least I have a respite for a few moments.

I'm here if you ever want to message me.  Meanwhile, I'll look for your posts.

Thinking of you --

WOTL (woman of the light)

 

Thank you WOTL, I enjoy reading longer posts like this. It makes me realize someone actually cares enough for me to take the time to write to me. I hope your journey with depression is looking better than it use to. It's so hard to deal with. I also enjoy driving around. It feels calming to drive just to drive. Maybe I should try it some time to help get my mind off of things. 

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On 9/10/2021 at 9:34 AM, crewneck said:

Thank you WOTL, I enjoy reading longer posts like this. It makes me realize someone actually cares enough for me to take the time to write to me. I hope your journey with depression is looking better than it use to. It's so hard to deal with. I also enjoy driving around. It feels calming to drive just to drive. Maybe I should try it some time to help get my mind off of things. 

Yes!  It may help! 

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The way I have always viewed depression is like a sad lonely child in your mind. Viewing it as an enemy or suppresding it does not work for me.

I ask questions and peel back laters to find the root problems by asking questions that go several layers.

Here is an example

I feel sad (Why?)

I feel lonely (Why?)

Because I feel inadequate (Why?)

Because I have been abandoned before (Why?)

Because I was negative and draining the other person (Why?)

Because I need constant reminders they care (Why?)

Because people are fickle! (Why?)

Because people get betrayed like I do (Why?)

Because the fear and doubt manifests itself

Then I realize that I just need to believe in myself and trust that I am good enough

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