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Had a pretty triggering day... I dont normally eat dinner (or any meal) at the table in the dinning room because, I dont know.. I dont like eating in front of other people but thats for another post) anyway, I was already triggered because of a work mishap, so as I was making dinner tonight what happened with work triggered these shitty feelings of being inadequate, not interesting enough, stupid, ugly, worthless. It seems a bit like 0-100 because something that wasn't my fault and to do with work rather than me personally triggered these shitty feelings.

Im reminded all the time how much I hate myself, how uninteresting and stupid I am, so why would anyone else like me and want to talk to me? So that thought led to me remembering something... that when I met my r*st at a bar, I was slightly tipsy and on my way to being very drunk, he bought me a couple of drinks and told me I was really hot, I smiled and chatted for a bit and went back to my friend and told her and I was so happy that one person, who I didnt know was going to do a terrible thing then, thought I was hot. I feel like crying because even though he r* me, I was tonight, thinking that he must have been truthful in telling me I was hot or he wouldn't have dont that.... I feel like crying. How can I be thinking this? My self worth and self respect is so pitifully low that I'm taking the word of a r*st to try and make myself feel better.

Lately I haven't been thinking about it or any of the other times I was r* because I can't handle it. I cant even type the word out anymore. It's too triggering and im so ****ing tired I just want a goddamn rest from feeling so shit. I want to be able to eat a meal with my flatmates like a normal person, instead I always hide in my room because my chain of thoughts above. I keep drilling into myself that im worthless and uninteresting so don't even bother to make friends etc. Blah, just feeling shitty. I want to escape, that pitiful girl isnt me.. those terrible things didn't happen to me, I'm removed from her and free and living the life I always wanted, uninhibited by these memories and feelings..... except I am her and I can never get away from it 😔

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Hi Charlie. I'm really sorry that those things happened to you. You deserve much more than that :hugs:

I feel ill equipped to give any advice on this subject because it's not something I've experienced. But I'd like to point you in the direction of Byron Katie, one of my dearest teachers. She offers tools to deal with anything. 

Sending you love and hugs ❤️💜❤️

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I think you're great.  I think we could be really good friends if we knew each other in real life.  If someone asked me to list negatives about you I wouldn't have anything to say.  You're in pain.  You're hurting.  You're a good person though and you deserve to have a happy life.❤️

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11 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Hi Charlie. I'm really sorry that those things happened to you. You deserve much more than that :hugs:

I feel ill equipped to give any advice on this subject because it's not something I've experienced. But I'd like to point you in the direction of Byron Katie, one of my dearest teachers. She offers tools to deal with anything. 

Sending you love and hugs ❤️💜❤️

Thanks Nightjar :hugs:I haven't heard of her but I will look her up, Im pretty much willing to take any advice right now

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8 hours ago, sober4life said:

I think you're great.  I think we could be really good friends if we knew each other in real life.  If someone asked me to list negatives about you I wouldn't have anything to say.  You're in pain.  You're hurting.  You're a good person though and you deserve to have a happy life.❤️

Thats so kind thank you 🥰 made me tear up a little, I wish we could be friends irl ❤️

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5 hours ago, Bbqdad said:

you didn't deserve to be r*. i know you are hurting and in pain. it wasn't your fault. Thankyou for sharing something so personal and being vulnerable.

Thanks for the reminder, I know it wasnt but I still feel like it was. This was hard enough to type out, I havent really told anyone irl what happened

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3 hours ago, Epictetus said:

You deserve so much more and so much from life than you have been given.  It is awful what happened to you.  I wish I knew what to say to help.

Thanks epic, I wish I knew how to help myself 😞

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This is why my p doc is pushing so hard for me to start therapy but I can't talk about it, I dont know if it was my fault or not, Im scared of sitting in front of someone and having to tell what happened and them saying that it was my fault. That happening again felt like a reinforcement that im not worth caring about, or worth getting to know, worth dating, or starting a friendship with. My ability to trust and any selfworth I had was already hanging by a thread, he shattered it. Im too scared to really connect with people again because im so afraid of getting hurt. Here is ok because we can take our time replying and there's no pressure to have meet ups and speaking behind a screen is another protective barrier. The loneliness kills me sometimes but the fear is greater. I dont know what to do with that now. Thanks for the support here. Im not really able to reply to people sometimes but I still like to check in and read your posts to see how your all doing ❤️

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Charlee --

I'm sorry you're in so much pain.  The things we've done or didn't do, or thought we should have done, can create such . . . . distortions of our true selves, so much so that we are unable to see what or who we really are, or what we can be.  I don't know the cure for it because it's an issue I have, too.  "Why didn't I do such-and-so," "Oh, I'm such an idiot . . . " A whole litany of hurtful thoughts I have hurled against myself, and while loss is a big source of pain in my life, I think sometimes self-hatred is worse.

I, too, am a survivor of sexual assaults (years ago), the memories of which rear their ugly heads and then sink again in the dark pond of memory. Abuse of any and all kinds is wrong--especially the abuse we inflict upon ourselves, Charlee, because for me, anyway, it hurts so much more.  And I'm unsure of how to love myself.  In my darkest hours, I hear myself saying, "God, I hate myself," and/or  "I wish I was dead . . . " because I think I just can't go on.  But I do, because the decision to end my life would hurt many others.  

Is there a women's group in your town?  Like, someplace you can go and hear other women's stories?  

I'm thinking of you, Charlee, and wishing you peace. 

WOTL

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Look at yourself in the mirror and ask your self what makes you not perfect? Assess and internalize those thoughts after that accept and learn to appreciate more yourself. Everyone has flaws but, those flaws are not hindrances to be a better person. Keep fighting and believing on yourself.

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Hi,

If you have been sexually assaulted you should contact law enforcement to make a report of it. This would help protect yourself and other future potential victims from mistreatment.

What we tell ourselves is very important. You have drilled negative things into your mind. Positive affirmations can help to counteract the negativity.

You are worthy and good enough, it is very important to remember that. Focus on the things you can do and the good things about yourself.

Remember the people who say nice things to you and want to be your friend because the truth is that you are not inadequate.

The truth is actually that man was the inadequate one, he felt so worthless and pathetic that he did not believe himself to even have a chance with you so he resorted to disgusting tactics. Thats the truth and you have to set boundaries to let those inadequate people know you are not one to be trifled with. You were never the inadequate one, someday you will realize that.

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On 9/1/2021 at 3:30 AM, womanofthelight said:

I think sometimes self-hatred is worse.

Im sorry you're a survivor too ❤️ I feel this statement tho, I know how cruel I am to myself and id never ever let a friend say these things to me, or me say it to a friend... I really try to recognize how cruel I am to myself but at the same time I feel apathetic towards me. Its so hard to be in a body that I feel hate towards.. hopefully one day i'll be able to learn to love myself, but that feels so far off and impossible.

Thanks for thinking of me, I have looked for groups but id be too anxious and scared to go.. I really try but im so limited

Edited by Charlee
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On 9/1/2021 at 10:49 AM, Evergreenforst4 said:

Hi,

If you have been sexually assaulted you should contact law enforcement to make a report of it. This would help protect yourself and other future potential victims from mistreatment.

What we tell ourselves is very important. You have drilled negative things into your mind. Positive affirmations can help to counteract the negativity.

You are worthy and good enough, it is very important to remember that. Focus on the things you can do and the good things about yourself.

Remember the people who say nice things to you and want to be your friend because the truth is that you are not inadequate.

The truth is actually that man was the inadequate one, he felt so worthless and pathetic that he did not believe himself to even have a chance with you so he resorted to disgusting tactics. Thats the truth and you have to set boundaries to let those inadequate people know you are not one to be trifled with. You were never the inadequate one, someday you will realize that.

Thanks for saying that, Im trying, I am, I know I need therapy to help me help myself, Im just not ready yet and too terrified of having to talk about it and yeah.

I know I should of but I didnt report it after it happened because I was ashamed, afraid, humiliated... it happened when I was a teen too and my experience with the cops then wasn't great so this time I retreated, and I was (and still am) afraid of him finding out I reported him. Im just really scared and dont know how to get over the fear. 

Its so hard to believe anything good about me now... I was different before any of it happened, I had friends, I went out, I spoke to people, I wasnt so scared all the time. Now I have frequent panic attacks from just going to the supermarket and I dont feel safe around anyone. Its really hard, and its so hard to admit how much im struggling and how much help I need, and to then ask for that help.

Thank you for your words, he was the bad one, not me, ill keep reminding myself this.

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On 9/1/2021 at 10:22 AM, CamiMoo said:

Look at yourself in the mirror and ask your self what makes you not perfect? Assess and internalize those thoughts after that accept and learn to appreciate more yourself. Everyone has flaws but, those flaws are not hindrances to be a better person. Keep fighting and believing on yourself.

i'll try, I hate my image tho, its confronting, ill try

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54 minutes ago, Charlee said:

Thanks for saying that, Im trying, I am, I know I need therapy to help me help myself, Im just not ready yet and too terrified of having to talk about it and yeah.

I know I should of but I didnt report it after it happened because I was ashamed, afraid, humiliated... it happened when I was a teen too and my experience with the cops then wasn't great so this time I retreated, and I was (and still am) afraid of him finding out I reported him. Im just really scared and dont know how to get over the fear. 

Its so hard to believe anything good about me now... I was different before any of it happened, I had friends, I went out, I spoke to people, I wasnt so scared all the time. Now I have frequent panic attacks from just going to the supermarket and I dont feel safe around anyone. Its really hard, and its so hard to admit how much im struggling and how much help I need, and to then ask for that help.

Thank you for your words, he was the bad one, not me, ill keep reminding myself this.

I served in the military and I was sexually assaulted numerous times. I was attractive and people noticed but that was never my fault. After this happened I made a report of it and they investigated and found the person guilty.

This made me very angry because I risked my life in the military and for people to abuse the rank is disgraceful, at my lowest point I had considered turning on them, I no longer felt loyalty.

The one person who helped me through, my fiance ended up leaving me on a cold winter night and cheating on me. I still remember seeing the facebook picture. It made me so mad that I hit the punching bag until my knuckles would bleed. I had later met someone new and when I disclosed my mental health struggles she broke up with me and her sister hates me.

That was a very dark time in my life, but I realized all I had done for was other people instead of what I wanted to do. I chose my major and career for my ex fiance. I wanted to stay in the military but she did not want me to.

I have a sword and I taught myself fencing, I have nunchuks and I love teaching myself martial arts and fighting, I am learning jujitsu, growing up I was never good with words, when I got made fun of or lost an argument at school I would just start fighting. All the training I have done has been a good outlet and therapuetic for me personally.

I ended up getting back with the person who dumped me after disclosing my mental health struggles. I don't quite know how I feel, for so long I just wanted to rush into relationships to feel validated after I was assaulted. I pursue hyper masculinity by bodybuilding, taking supplements, seeing other women.

I understand how difficult it can be to speak up or express your feelings but we have to because if you dont people will hurt and abuse you and I do not want that to happen. You can also get a restraining order as well if you see the person around, you could try to reach out to women advocacy groups as well to ask for advice.

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