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The lazy eye I developed makes my depression a lot worse, people stare at me like a freak and I never feel confident


Kenneth8825

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How can I say this. In a very short time my life fell apart, and I now I don't feel like leaving the house. On my worse days, I feel suicidal. I was an overachiever. In 2018 I was dismissed from medical school because I missed the passing score for the board exam by 1 point. I can't explain how heartbroken I was because of that.

I had to move back home at the age of 30 and try to start life over. I taught for 1 year but I ****ing hate teaching, but in this area that is the only respectable job I can do with my biology degree and make decent money. I had plans to take the GRE and apply to another graduate program, and then my eye decided to stop working. I already had social anxiety, but since developing strabismus (lazy eye) I don't even want to leave the house. My eye is like permanently turned outward. Every time I go somewhere people stare at me with a look of pity, and people talk to me like I am slow. I can't take this shit, I feel like my life and body are falling apart and I don't know what to do. I'm unemployed and I don't have health insurance, so sclerals are out, I could maybe try hard contacts but those are expensive too. The only way I could really get healthcare is by working as a teacher, and teaching with my eye like this would make the school year even more hell for me. Kids bully teachers and call them names too.

Sorry for the rant I'm just at such a low ****ing place right now. When I think about what my life could have been, when I see what past classmates are doing, I don't feel like trying anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. 

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Hi,

you could try something like wearing an eye patch and coming up with some cool story and then maybe the kids would think thats cool. I dont think kids would make fun of someone with an eyepatch.

Also you could still for the GRE and other grad program, most Universities have good counseling. Whatever decison you make I think its good for people to either work, school or recieving therapy to help give them purpose and goals.

I would avoid comparing with classmates for a few reasons. First we don't what their lives are really like on the inside, they could have their own internal issues and just hide them really well. Second it is not healthy for you to have this suburbanite keeping up with the jones mentality. The race is not to the strong or swift but time and chance my friend.

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  • 4 months later...

What really frustrates me, is when people act as if my situation is no big deal. I have got help with my eye, but still unemployed, and the thing is,  having 1 point on a standardized exam stop me from becoming a doctor, ending a life long dream and  a chance to have purpose and pull myself out of poverty, that destroyed my heart more than people understand.  I honestly question if I should have just ended my life last year like I planned. Because of med school I am left with monumental debt and no way to ever pay it back really, also my credit score will be destroyed so ever owing a home is a stretch. All because I dared to try and make something out of myself.  My mood alternates between being furious and suicidal.  Sorry for the rant I just feel super low today. 

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I'm sorry to hear about the bad things that have happened to you since 2018, Kenneth. You've probably read that rumination is a hallmark of clinical depression — going over all the bad stuff in your head over and over again. I know I certainly do it and I have to struggle to get away from the negativity.

But you do have to get away from it if you are to have any chance of moving forward. I don't mean to come off like Mr. Fixit, but reading your posts, I wonder if there is any chance of you taking the exam again? My understanding is that professional exams can be taken more than once. I've heard of quite a few lawyers who didn't pass the bar exam on the first try. Your school sounds really harsh if they just kicked you out and didn't even let you try. Or did you decide not to try?

I work with a woman who has cerebral palsy and severe strabismus. She acts like it's not there and after a while, no one even notices it anymore.

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On 8/30/2021 at 3:19 AM, Evergreenforst4 said:

Hi,

you could try something like wearing an eye patch and coming up with some cool story and then maybe the kids would think thats cool. I dont think kids would make fun of someone with an eyepatch.

Also you could still for the GRE and other grad program, most Universities have good counseling. Whatever decison you make I think its good for people to either work, school or recieving therapy to help give them purpose and goals.

I would avoid comparing with classmates for a few reasons. First we don't what their lives are really like on the inside, they could have their own internal issues and just hide them really well. Second it is not healthy for you to have this suburbanite keeping up with the jones mentality. The race is not to the strong or swift but time and chance my friend.

 

31 minutes ago, John_in_SF said:

I'm sorry to hear about the bad things that have happened to you since 2018, Kenneth. You've probably read that rumination is a hallmark of clinical depression — going over all the bad stuff in your head over and over again. I know I certainly do it and I have to struggle to get away from the negativity.

But you do have to get away from it if you are to have any chance of moving forward. I don't mean to come off like Mr. Fixit, but reading your posts, I wonder if there is any chance of you taking the exam again? My understanding is that professional exams can be taken more than once. I've heard of quite a few lawyers who didn't pass the bar exam on the first try. Your school sounds really harsh if they just kicked you out and didn't even let you try. Or did you decide not to try?

I work with a woman who has cerebral palsy and severe strabismus. She acts like it's not there and after a while, no one even notices it anymore.

If I could take the exam again or re-enroll in med school I would have done that a long time ago, of course. Sorry to sound negative, but the woman with severe strabismus did she have a romantic partner? Even if she did a man with the same disabilities would have a very tough time with finding someone. 

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