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POCD and past memories.

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So, I struggle with POCD, and I randomly have flashbacks to a particularly uncomfortable and shameful episode from my past, that just exacerbates the hell out of my OCD.

When I was about 20, I was just chilling with my computer, surfing the web, when the idea and the image of k porn, popped into my head. Like, I actually pictured a young girl having intercourse with an adult man, in a position, I highly favor whenever, I watch porn or have sex. I remember feeling very curious about it, and it felt like I really wanted to look such a thing up. The thing that stopped me was that it was illegal, at least that’s the first thing, I remember that stopped me at the moment. After that, I don’t remember having one of those thoughts again, and just continued on with my life. Didn’t think much of it. Came to my senses and moved on.

Cut to now, where my struggle with POCD, really is an exhausting one. There are moments, where I have good days, weeks, or even months, but I’m still plagued by it on the daily. The fear of when I’m gonna have another intrusive thought or rabbit hole episode, really spikes up the anxiety, which spikes up everything else. I’m so tired. :/

The crappy part is that whenever this particular memory pops into my head, I start getting this intense feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like I’m guilty of something, or like I’m hiding something about myself. I remember getting that same feeling whenever I would pass by a gambling addiction ad at the bus stop, that said: ADMIT IT, in bold lettering. When I finally came out, it went away, so when I get that same type of feeling whenever I think about this horrendous memory, I start thinking it means so much more than what it is or was. I’m sure it feels worse because I do have OCD, but the thing that sucks even more, is that I’m not sure I’m even remembering it correctly. Uncomfortable, intense feelings can sometimes lead to false memories, because you’re assuming the worst. I don’t remember if I had a groinal response, and mistook that as actual attraction, or if it was just an intense feeling in the pit of my stomach because it felt wrong, combined with intense curiosity. I don’t know. I’m sure I had that intense stomach feeling, because I’m feeling it now, as I type this, but either way, I have never looked anything up. Don’t want to look such a thing up. Would never.

Whenever, I make peace with that particular episode, and move on, I fall back into the rabbit hole at some point, and it’s the revolving door all over again. I don’t really enjoy my life anymore. I worry about having to deal with this for the rest of my life. I would rather be dead, then live like this. I can’t. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Any advice on how to let go of the past and these shitty thoughts? I would really appreciate it.

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I had to look up POCD, what a fricked up affliction. I imagine there were many iterations of it over time, perhaps there was LOPD in the first century (Leprosy) or POCD in the 16th century (Pagan) or NOPD in 1940.

This is such a hot-button topic and it's root theme will never be discussed on this forum, at least while I'm on the technical team. That said, your affliction makes you no less worthy of help than anyone else here. If you're absolutely serious about this, and this isn't some long con trolling, I suggest you reach out to a psychologist and explore ways to cope with this and reprogram your thought patterns. Reprogramming your brain takes true persistence and tenacity but I assure you it can be done.

The base paradigm of short circuiting your automatic thoughts is known as cognitive behavioural therapy. It is tailor made for things which are a function of defective default thinking. Explore it. Discuss it here. I think it will bring you relief.

Best of luck to you, fuzzymemories01. May you find peace.

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My approach to unwanted, intrusive and harmful thoughts and memories is to drop metaphorical boulders on them till they go away.

Metaphors or as I like to call them: MEDaphors can be ever so helpful counteracting the debilitating effects of depression and anxiety.

Hope this helps and hope you find a supportive home here.


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