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Trying really hard not to spiral


Cent

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I don't think I've posted here in over a year at this point which is probably a good thing because I've been doing really good mental health wise, I just really need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto the screen. Since I last posted I started working like 35 hours per week at Lowes but I don't work there anymore because I'm moving, which is the main cause of this post. During my time working there I stopped taking my meds. It wasn't like an uneducated decision or anything, I was just feeling really good so i decided to try to get off my meds and I felt the exact same. The fact that I was frequently depressed while on meds just made me think it might have been circumstantial. (Don't do this, talk to your doctor or therapist/psychiatrist first.) 

Anyways right now I'm 3 days away from moving. I honestly forgot what it was like to feel this bad, I'm trying really hard not to let myself go to the deepest darkest places which is why I'm writing this at 1 am. The idea of being away from my best friend and my support system gives me unbelievable amounts of stress and anxiety. During my time at Lowes I was trying to figure out a way for me to get an apartment with my friend but unless I was working like 45 hours per week I couldn't have made it work. Of course my sister is staying here and I was fully aware of the irony while I was helping her move stuff into her new apartment. 

Just being so far away from everyone and not having any idea of what I'm going to do when I move in terms of my future is ******* me. I was thinking about just going to school for arts or something because I need to do anything but honestly the idea terrifies me. I can't shake the massive anxiety spike whenever I think about it because of how massively I failed high school and community college last year. The only reason I was able to get through both times was getting saved by covid accommodations. I definitely don't think I could work and go to school at the same time. I've also been thinking about getting into YouTube as a career because I uploaded something I edited and it got like 500 views but that's not really reliable enough to make that my plan. Everything about my life feels so unsure right now and that's terrifying. I at least have my parents to fall back on in terms of financial security and a place to stay but I can't rely on them forever but I also don't want to be stuck earning minimum wage in ten years.

All of that compounded with the fact that I'm not going to be able to spend my college years with my best friends. I can't just give them up and make new friends like it seems like my parents want me to, I really want to be around them for longer. I've only known most of them for around 2 years. Who even knows if I'll make friends down there, I'm not particularly sociable at work, I guess I can see it working if i go to school though. I don't know, this post is kind of a mess but I just needed to get my thoughts out so I have a shot of falling asleep tonight. Thanks if you've gotten to the end of this.

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Wow, @CentI could have written this a couple of months ago. I was in an almost identical situation and having very similar thoughts and anxiety.... I think my anxiety may have been worse than yours however coz I actually had a breakdown over moving....And I pulled out because of it. I'm still in the same town, same place. 

I'm better than I was now, but still not fully recovered. My sleep is still being affected. 

Any big change like this is bound to create anxiety. Speaking for myself,  it was a push too far.... I plan on trying to move again, but not so far perhaps. I struggle with highway driving sometimes so it would have been tough for me to get to see anyone or reach places I needed to get to where I was headed. It was out in the sticks. 

I just didn't have it in me to do it this time even though I've made many, many big changes before.... I found my limits. Lol. 

I'm only guessing, but I don't think you're feeling quite as bad as I was. And although it might be tough, perhaps you can manage? 

Failing that, if you really don't feel you can cope or plain just don't want to, can you pull out? 

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10 hours ago, Nightjar said:

it would have been tough for me to get to see anyone or reach places I needed to get to where I was headed. It was out in the sticks. 

That's actually the exact reason why I'm here.  They are kind of close by but not close enough to where they're going to drive here most of the time and not far enough away that overnight stays might happen.  I know sounds bad but it is what it is.🙄

Edited by sober4life
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