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Extremely sad, not much hope left


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(not sure if this belongs in MNESN/here/or suicidal idealization)

...

I feel really low right now, 2021 hasnt been kind to me, and im really struggling to find the strength to carry on, I dont even want too, I want to be put out of my misery. Im so tired of being so low, im tired of the few weeks were I feel ok and thinking life is looking up but then BOOM sis depression comes smashing back in and im in hell again. It used to be that id feel better more times out of the year than feeling like this but as time as gone by the good moments are fewer and far between. The darkness definitely takes over now and I dont have the energy to continue anymore. Am I going to come to a point where I dont feel any hope or any point anymore that i'll just do it..? I dont feel im there yet.. but maybe in a few years........ life has not turned out like I thought it would. But does it ever? Im so miserable and I dont know what to do anymore. Feeling a little bit of crisis because I feel its only going to get worse and then I really will be in crisis. I dont know. Not feeling good right now. Just deflated sadness.

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I am so sorry 2021 has been so unkind to you.  You are suffering so much.  It breaks my heart that you are burdened with such terrible sadness.  Wish I knew what to say that would help.  You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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Hey Charlee. I am so sorry you are at this point but I do understand. I reached a really bad point a few weeks ago so I checked myself into a rehab and was on the psych ward for 12 days. Are you on any antidepressants and do you see a therapist? I've been dealing with depression all of my adult life and I know what is worse than the depression is when you become hopeless. I know that I can say "just hang in there"but those are just words. Please just do whatever you can to not reach that point you speak of. You're welcome to message me anytime. I wish you the best and am praying for you

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Charlee --

I have the strangest feeling, based upon what my brother's friend told me about his passing. (He didn't tell our parents, me or any of our siblings.) She said she felt him go, and all around her she could hear/feel him say "What have I done?"  Like what had he been thinking to not want the love he had been offered and even refused by way of silence?  And, I think maybe, he had not seen the beauty in life when he was here on earth; that the view he had now that he was non-physical, allowed him to see there was so much more than he had ever imagined. So many more joys, so many more opportunities that he did not see when he was alive.

Sometimes I want to be where he is.  I feel him around me sometimes, quite specifically.  I want to be with him, in peace.  Nothing unsaid between us.  Friends and siblings again. My imagination cannot even take me there completely yet. I have a hard time thinking of myself as out of this world, this body, this life.  But I know death is the only certainty. And I think that if I could handle the uncertainty a little better, I might feel a little better.   

I think we, as depressed people, have the dullest yet the sharpest vision. That 'something extra' we see about life becomes a painful burden from which we cannot figure how to flip the switch.  Maybe one day, you and I will have longer periods of joy and peace to juxtapose against the thudding, clumsy darkness. 

I'm thinking of you and wishing you rest.

WOTL

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@Charlee  I can relate to almost everything you've said. When we are at this stage, dont know what to do anymore and not much hope left, its so easy to do it (to end it).

Stay with us. I may not be able to help a lot, but Im here to share your feelings. Hopefully it can help to enlighten you with that feelings. That feeling is painfull indeed. 

Edited by Camellia
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I feel hopeless cos Im so afraid to hope. It’s easier to just tell myself that this is life, life will forever be painful and suffering, whatever I do, things will all come back to the same. That’s how I stop enjoying the things I used to enjoy. Why enjoy anything when the feelings of emptiness never disappears? 

I wish I can pull u out and give u better solutions. Remember ur NOT doing life wrong and there’s nothing wrong with you, we r just still figuring things out that’s all. We can stay where we are and take the time we need, there is no one keeping a score card on how many times we feel depressed this year, so I wonder why we do take it so hard on ourselves. 

Be kind to yourself, find ways to love yourself, let someone listen to u and understand u, cos here we will never judge u, what ur facing is very difficult and I hope u can find small happiness here and there instead of catastrophizing, but that’s what we tend to do, so I guess the goal is to catch ourselves before we get there. 

We r here till u have the energy to get back up again 🙂 

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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23 hours ago, quentin360 said:

Hey Charlee. I am so sorry you are at this point but I do understand. I reached a really bad point a few weeks ago so I checked myself into a rehab and was on the psych ward for 12 days. Are you on any antidepressants and do you see a therapist? I've been dealing with depression all of my adult life and I know what is worse than the depression is when you become hopeless. I know that I can say "just hang in there"but those are just words. Please just do whatever you can to not reach that point you speak of. You're welcome to message me anytime. I wish you the best and am praying for you

Thanks for the support. was your inpatient stay helpful? Sometimes I worry I might need a stay but im scared of what itl be like and Ive never heard of anyone having a good experience.

Im on venlafaxine and I dont currently see a therapist, but i'm on a wait-list for one. Though I have been for months and Im sure itl be months more until I can get one. And im really not convinced anti-depressants work at all, maybe lifting slightly above baseline? but im really really low atm so I dont even know if im above baseline or not.

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Posted (edited)
19 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

She said she felt him go, and all around her she could hear/feel him say "What have I done?"  Like what had he been thinking to not want the love he had been offered and even refused by way of silence?  And, I think maybe, he had not seen the beauty in life when he was here on earth; that the view he had now that he was non-physical, allowed him to see there was so much more than he had ever imagined. So many more joys, so many more opportunities that he did not see when he was alive.

reading this hit me different, I believe most people that try and don't succeed are grateful for the second chance, but I believe when the person is at that point where they're sure of what they're doing then it must be the right choice for that moment... I think people that do go through with it must have tried everything to not end up there,

Im sorry for your brother, that must be a terrible grief to go through and understand. I hope he's happy and free of pain wherever he is. I hope you don't feel too guilty thinking there's something you could of or should have done. I wish I could offer comfort but I guess there's nothing comforting about the situation, im sorry 😞

19 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

My imagination cannot even take me there completely yet. I have a hard time thinking of myself as out of this world, this body, this life.  But I know death is the only certainty. And I think that if I could handle the uncertainty a little better, I might feel a little better.

yes I cant imagine it either, i'm not there yet, so I do have a little bit of hope. I wouldn't want to make a mistake when there's more I could have done to help myself and more in life to experience. Life is just so shitty sometimes, I wish the shittyness would lift a little and give me a goddamn break. A little bit of certainty would definitely offer a bit of comfort 😩

Edited by Charlee
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6 hours ago, Another Statistic said:

Hi Charlee,

You're smart. To borrow a quote from The Martian, why don't you "science the shit out of this"?

LEMMATA:

  • Your depression is significant.
  • Your depression is debilitating.
  • Your depression is cyclical.
  • Your depression does not have consistent emotional triggers.
  • You are capable of feeling good.
  • You derive no pleasure from being depressed.
  • You emotional resiliency is cyclical.

So, what does this tell you, specifically about what may be causing your depression? Perhaps you may want to diarize physical events to get some more data. What did you eat? How much did you exercise? Any medication changes? Have you checked hormone levels like T3, T4, Free T3 and T4, estrogen, testosterone, and others?

Science is your buddy, but you already know that.

Maybe, ive tried different variations of this, Ive written about possible causes and triggers and reasons, but knowing the reasons doesnt give me the comforting answers, it doesnt make me feel any better. I know the events in my life that have led to this but I guess I still can't comprehend the why, or figure out how to get through it. I try but im limited here, I cant come up with any solutions because I feel they're so pointless and nothing ever works and i'm stuck like this.

I know I dont workout or eat well enough and that probably contributes a lot, I just feel ill put in all this effort for nothing. My younger self really worked hard to get herself out of feeling like this but the relapses have really worn my down and im too tired to fight anymore 😞

But science does give me comfort, so maybe I need to reassess my approach and come at it from a different angle. I am one to never give up, even if the blows make it harder and harder to get back up. I'll try "science the shit out of this" 😄

I havent had my hormones checked, thats something im going to ask the doc about next time I go.

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58 minutes ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

I feel hopeless cos Im so afraid to hope. It’s easier to just tell myself that this is life, life will forever be painful and suffering, whatever I do, things will all come back to the same. That’s how I stop enjoying the things I used to enjoy. Why enjoy anything when the feelings of emptiness never disappears? 

I wish I can pull u out and give u better solutions. Remember ur NOT doing life wrong and there’s nothing wrong with you, we r just still figuring things out that’s all. We can stay where we are and take the time we need, we are not gonna die anytime soon anyway. 

Be kind to yourself, find ways to love yourself, let someone listen to u and understand u, cos here we will never judge u, what ur facing is very difficult and I hope u can find small happiness here and there instead of catastrophizing, but that’s what we tend to do, so I guess the goal is to catch ourselves before we get there. 

We r here till u have the energy to get back up again 🙂 

Im trying, I feel your support through the screen :hugs:

I think im scared to hope as well, truly allowing myself to hope comes with a huge consequence of falling further than rock-bottom that I can't trust i'll be able to get back up, im trying im trying 😣🤞🙏

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12 hours ago, Camellia said:

@Charlee  I can relate to almost everything you've said. When we are at this stage, dont know what to do anymore and not much hope left, its so easy to do it (to end it).

Stay with us. I may not be able to help a lot, but Im here to share your feelings. Hopefully it can help to enlighten you with that feelings. That feeling is painfull indeed. 

Thank you 🙏 sharing in the misery is comforting, a helping hand is big when its needed

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4 hours ago, Charlee said:

I know the events in my life that have led to this but I guess I still can't comprehend the why, or figure out how to get through it. I try but im limited here, I cant come up with any solutions because I feel they're so pointless and nothing ever works and i'm stuck like this

Charlee, I could copy and paste . I am at exactly the same point.

I know all the events, the triggers, the circumstances that got me where I am. I try to find a way out of this maze and It seems like it is pointless. I always get back to the "start" instead of reaching the exit. 

Maybe someday I will find the right and strong motivation to follow an yet unknown lead.

Only time will tell

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On 8/1/2021 at 9:08 AM, Svenetc said:

Charlee, I could copy and paste . I am at exactly the same point.

I know all the events, the triggers, the circumstances that got me where I am. I try to find a way out of this maze and It seems like it is pointless. I always get back to the "start" instead of reaching the exit. 

Maybe someday I will find the right and strong motivation to follow an yet unknown lead.

Only time will tell

Yes I feel the same always returning back to the same feelings of misery. im just over it right, ive no idea what to do. Sorry you're feeling shitty as well. At least we're miserable together 🤷‍♀️

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I always feel that way too.  I'm convinced I wouldn't be happy no matter what.  If I was a celebrity I would probably be like Kurt Cobain.

Celebrity is just another intense pressure added in my opinion. And money can be like that too. When I think of some of the situations I could have put myself in if I had more money sometimes, I'm glad I haven't had it 🤔

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

I would probably be like Kurt Cobain

Not a good choice sober ! .... you are better of to be not like him and I am sure you will figure it out. I read many of your posts and you are smart and have a well set heart and mind... keep that and you got all you need.:) 

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1 hour ago, Nightjar said:

Celebrity is just another intense pressure added in my opinion. And money can be like that too. When I think of some of the situations I could have put myself in if I had more money sometimes, I'm glad I haven't had it 🤔

same here...i think celebrities are under a lot of pressure, and i honestly feel bad for them, that i would never want that for me..ive never been jealous of that type of lifestyle or even wealthy people  ..ive had thoughts of depression and anxiety since i was a kid growing up that all i ever wanted was a simple lifestyle..not too many worries..the less income/wealthy the better for me ..that's just my personal opinion...when you get into wealthy and money people tend to use you and your life changes way too much, you can't trust anyone..i dont want lifestyle

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On 7/30/2021 at 7:54 PM, Charlee said:

(not sure if this belongs in MNESN/here/or suicidal idealization)

...

I feel really low right now, 2021 hasnt been kind to me, and im really struggling to find the strength to carry on, I dont even want too, I want to be put out of my misery. Im so tired of being so low, im tired of the few weeks were I feel ok and thinking life is looking up but then BOOM sis depression comes smashing back in and im in hell again. It used to be that id feel better more times out of the year than feeling like this but as time as gone by the good moments are fewer and far between. The darkness definitely takes over now and I dont have the energy to continue anymore. Am I going to come to a point where I dont feel any hope or any point anymore that i'll just do it..? I dont feel im there yet.. but maybe in a few years........ life has not turned out like I thought it would. But does it ever? Im so miserable and I dont know what to do anymore. Feeling a little bit of crisis because I feel its only going to get worse and then I really will be in crisis. I dont know. Not feeling good right now. Just deflated sadness.


My friend, I hate to hear that you are going through tough times right now. But, to be honest with you, it is only a test that all of us have to go through. You can defeat this inter spirit that is trying to torment you. Just fight back with whatever the opposite of what that inter spirit is throwing at you. A good example of this is when the tormenting spirit is saying you can’t do something. You tell yourself you can and just keep on fighting until you can begin to see a change take place in your life. I have to do the same myself, because I really haven’t had many people to believe in me. However, that became the fuel that drives me. When someone look down on me or try to tell me something like you are not capable of doing this. It actually gives me motivation to prove you are wrong about me. For the most part of my life I have overcome my inter spirit frustrations. Be blessed and I hope that I said something that might inspire you to keep on fighting and persevering on your journey of life.

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15 hours ago, Floor2017 said:

it is only a test that all of us have to go through. You can defeat this inter spirit that is trying to torment you. Just fight back with whatever the opposite of what that inter spirit is throwing at you.

I don't want to partake in this test anymore, I'm too tired. I want to say it wins but no I suppose every day that I wake up I'm winning. So ill just keep pushing myself up the steep incline of life 🤮

Thanks 🙂

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Today I had lunch with my lab group and it was really nice, I spoke the most in that hour than I have probably two months, how sad. I had a nice time, I laughed, I smiled. I'm surprised I even remembered how to do that. I got given some science work as well, ill be doing 20 hours p/week which will be good, hopefully a slow integration back into the world again. It will be good to do what I love again.

I also started thinking about how "bad" I need to get before I should take my self to emergency, Do I have to be minutes away from suicide? Thinking about it constantly but without an active plan? Or is being terribly depressed and anxious enough? I dont know. I guess if i feel I need it ill go. Just feeling pretty numb right now

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On 8/4/2021 at 4:27 AM, sober4life said:

I always feel that way too.  I'm convinced I wouldn't be happy no matter what.  If I was a celebrity I would probably be like Kurt Cobain.

I’m listening to Nirvana as I read your post. I think this gurl is troubled.

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On 7/30/2021 at 4:54 PM, Charlee said:

(not sure if this belongs in MNESN/here/or suicidal idealization)

...

I feel really low right now, 2021 hasnt been kind to me, and im really struggling to find the strength to carry on, I dont even want too, I want to be put out of my misery. Im so tired of being so low, im tired of the few weeks were I feel ok and thinking life is looking up but then BOOM sis depression comes smashing back in and im in hell again. It used to be that id feel better more times out of the year than feeling like this but as time as gone by the good moments are fewer and far between. The darkness definitely takes over now and I dont have the energy to continue anymore. Am I going to come to a point where I dont feel any hope or any point anymore that i'll just do it..? 

Yeah I’ve thought about doing it.

in my case I decided to write myself a letter. In it I remind myself of my kids and affirmations. I encourage myself to call the hotline or 911 or friends.

i read the letter when I feel about like you feel right now.

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36 minutes ago, Bbqdad said:

Yeah I’ve thought about doing it.

in my case I decided to write myself a letter. In it I remind myself of my kids and affirmations. I encourage myself to call the hotline or 911 or friends.

i read the letter when I feel about like you feel right now.

This is a really good idea, I’ve written letters but never to convince myself to carry on, it’s always trying to explain my reasons because I want my family to understand why…tho really these letters are too myself, maybe I’m trying  to convince myself why it’s a good idea when deep down I know it’s not? 
 

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50 minutes ago, Charlee said:

This is a really good idea, I’ve written letters but never to convince myself to carry on, it’s always trying to explain my reasons because I want my family to understand why…tho really these letters are too myself, maybe I’m trying  to convince myself why it’s a good idea when deep down I know it’s not? 
 

I posted my letter in my blog.

when I feel like I wanna die, I read this letter. I wrote it like a love letter to me from me.

do you love yourself?

sometimes not.
that why I wrote the letter. It’s easy to feel apathetic and unloveable. I needed to be reminded why I loved myself.

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