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HATE LIFE WITH A PASSION


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I hate my life, I don't hate life itself, I just hate mine. There are many people that can tolerate life and many that even love life, I definitely am not one of them. Some of you will say its all subjective and all about perspective. I might be wrong of course, about everything. But what can I do? I am who I am and certain things about me just cannot be changed, at least not enough to make a difference. It would be like a fly telling a bee that its better to harvest shit than honey.

I hate every single atom of my being. I also hate the world we live in, this reality, full of hatred, deceitful, evil people. It seems the world favors the wicked. Look at what America has become for example, people in power are corrupt, self serving and the greedy corporations will do whatever it takes to make a profit.

I've been dealing with different levels of depression for as long as I can remember. I wont bore you with the details but it seems like everything I do is a failure, its like I repel success, whether its success in family, friends, business, happiness, etc. (Just a quick background note, I have good parents, never been molested by anyone, or anything of that sort, no real traumatic experience that would lead me to hate life.)

I'm sure there are those of you out there that are in worst situations/conditions than I but that doesn't really matter, my depression is in my mind and my mind alone. Both my mind and body are the product of my depression and hatred towards life. I hate everything there is about me, even writing and reading these words coming from my mind disgusts me. The environment, the experiences, the reactions to my existence, even the DNA that makes me up, all of these things contribute to the way I think, the way I feel, the way I look. I tried, I really tried to be positive, even to the point where I tried to force myself and to delude myself, but I'm a realist, I see things for the way they really are. There are drugs I tried that neutralized unbalanced chemicals in the brain, but that's pretty much the same as brooming dust under a rug.

I don't want to exist any more, but I don't want to commit suicide either. I just don't want to exist, no consciousness, no me.

I've made grave decisions in life, regretful decisions, bad decision making is a common trait. I got married and had kids. I regret all of that. I should have never gotten married and start a family, I ruined their lives. I love my wife and kids very much which is why I never should have allowed for this to happen. I have brought failure to their lives. The only reason why I haven't ended myself is because I don't want my wife and kids to go through life without a husband and father. I try my best to hide these feelings but they come out ever so subtly or sometimes not so subtle. It's shameful to even tell anyone about this, they wouldn't understand anyways.

I also wanted to say that people that try and give you some advice on depression have no right, they know nothing of the pain you go through, they understand nothing even though some may claim they themselves have been through it. They are the people who can overcome and adapt, they are the ones that love life or can deal with it.

Living life is hell. I cant wait for some terminal disease or cancer so I can go straight to an assisted suicide place. I dont want to die in a hospital bed, drugged up, in pain and without dignity. Not to mention the absolutely absurd, ridiculous, unreasonable medical bills your family has to face.

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Welcome friend.

I won't pretend to understand your private hell but I do recognize your distress and your need for help.

We are not professionals here but we do try to help each other as best we can.

My experience with the hell of depression revealed to me that it is a natural formation / resource.

We all have a vast metaphorical "cave" within.

 When we get lost and trapped inside this cave, Old Man Depression takes over.

The cave we always be there but we can "anchor" ourselves outside and keep our back turned away from the ENTRANCE / EXIT .

We are never helpless confronting Old Man Depression.

My motto: Despair not / Repair a lot.

Please stick with us and yourself.

Oscar  

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Thank you for your response, I wasn't expecting anyone to respond, I just wanted to put this out there for myself really.  (It did help some, I feel a lot better today but its also because I might be bipolar)

Using your methaphor in my case, I am in the cave with NO anchor line to the entrance/exit. I am all alone in this.

I see it like being in a boat with a huge hole in it, you can always patch it up over and over, but eventually it will leak again, until finally it sinks. Living life trying to patch it up all of the time is just tiresome and unbearable.

The negatives in life always outweigh the positives, there is no balance. People have said dont focus on the negative, well its hard not to when its always in your face.

 

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I am happy to help if I can.

I think you will find it is very cathartic to post your concerns here.

The important thing to understand about metaphors is that they only exist when we imagine, pretend and make believe them into existence.

Obviously depression isn't a cave but metaphorically it sure does seem like it.

The cave metaphor has been helpful for me because of the useful implications.

In nature a cave is formed by erosion, stress and upheaval.

(Sound familiar?)

Every cave is unique but the safety precautions aren't.

I must remind myself to never go too deep and lose sight of the EXIT/ENTRANCE.

I give myself permission to take temporary shelter but I must avoid long term residence.

My depression cave has deep pits which I find useful to bury harmful and useless thoughts and memories.

Sometimes I need to drop metaphorical boulders on bad thoughts till they stop intruding.

Always remember that your leaky boat is metaphorical and you are the captain who can make your boat ship shape with the power of clever metaphors.

Clever and powerful metaphors for me become: CLEVERFUL MEDaphors.

Don't let Old Man Depression ruin your future.

Keep posting and check out other posts.

You are not alone here.

Oscar

 

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I share a similar existential dread/nihilism. After being on the self-help treadmill and trying to will it away for.... oh such a long time, I've concluded all I can do is live with it. There are so many things we can't change. This can be frustrating, but at the same time liberating.

Like Oscar said, you're not alone here. Sometimes that helps a bit.

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I hate to say it Oscar but its true, its all in my head, its all in all of our heads really. I may be treated my whole life like I was at the bottom of a totem pole, but if only I could somehow erase and reprogram my minds to dupe myself into thinking positive all of the time, that would be great.

CSAM, we just have to live with it. What a dreary, bleak way to live though.

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Maybe we can't think positive all the time but we can apply the brakes to excessive negativity.

Sometimes we need to declare a temporary truce with ourselves with the goal of an eventual peace treaty.

Our troubled pasts are gone and should be consigned to secure storage.

Old Man Depression plays the most awful duping tricks on our psyches so my feeling is we should play some clever duping tricks right back.

MEDaphors change the brain chemistry ever so slightly.

Maybe it's time for you to become a "SUPER DUPER" to Old Man Depression.

I'm positive you can do it.

Oscar

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Due to the depression which started at a young age, I don't have any motivation nor any energy to change my way of thinking. I see myself as a complete failure, I don't have any guile, determination nor any will power to make a change, even when I muster up the energy to try, I always end up quitting early feeling hopeless.

I don't really see myself as two psyches in one (my ego and an "old man depression" of sorts.) There is only one part of me that I see and that part is pure melancholy, I can only suppress it temporarily to survive day to day functions and activities. My self esteem is non existent.

Thank you for your words of encouragement but its ineffective in my case. I have a deep seated hatred for my life and its probably hard-wired into my brain.

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Don't give up on yourself.

I have found the best way to help myself is to try to help others.

We are here for you and anyone who needs encouragement.

Chin up!

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On 7/12/2021 at 3:39 PM, venti said:

Living life is hell. I cant wait for some terminal disease or cancer ...

There's a song by The Handsome Family, called "Drunk by Noon", and it describes the general malaise of depression so succinctly. Your post reminded me of a lyric from that song:

"Sometimes I can't wait to come down with cancer
At least then I'll get to watch tv all day,
And on my deathbed I'll get all the answers,
Even if all my questions are taken away."

Man, I wore that song out a few years ago. My life was one existential crisis after another; just a series of jumps from fire to fire, each hotter and more unpleasant than the its predecessor. After a lifetime of anti-depressants, psychologists, and well-meaning MDs I had finally hit bottom, and I was surprised what bottom ended up being: a total lack of feeling. I wasn't sad, I wasn't manic, I wasn't angry, I was nothing. Numb. Completely checked out. I would have jumped off a bridge, but that seemed like so much work. Plus, I felt it was awful and evil to leave my wife alone with a mortgage and a swack of unpaid bills. So I hung around and listened to songs about getting cancer.

I can't give you any better advise than Oscar - he's nailed it on so many points. Like him, I look for ways of being useful to others when I can't be useful to myself. Surprisingly, it doesn't take much effort to brighten someone's day, and it feels good when it happens.

Depression is in our DNA - I'm convinced of it. Nonetheless, that shouldn't stop us from trying to enjoy every moment we can, even it it's just 1 minute in a 1000. Our life isn't non-stop sunshine and unicorns, but we should absolutely refuse to let it become an interminable hell. Steal some moments back, vemti. Illegitimum non carborundum.

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I whole heartedly agree we should snatch joy every chance we can.

No need for anyone to be perpetually miserable.

We are all potentially empty and depression prone.

The trick is to not wallow in the hollow.

 

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On 7/15/2021 at 6:32 AM, Another Statistic said:

Like him, I look for ways of being useful to others when I can't be useful to myself. Surprisingly, it doesn't take much effort to brighten someone's day, and it feels good when it happens.

Depression is in our DNA - I'm convinced of it. Nonetheless, that shouldn't stop us from trying to enjoy every moment we can, even it it's just 1 minute in a 1000. Our life isn't non-stop sunshine and unicorns, but we should absolutely refuse to let it become an interminable hell.

Are you sure it doesn't take much effort? Every person who needs help that I know, what they meant is they need help with their list of very specific demands 

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Yeah, it's simple.

I'm not talking about curing depression, or making cancer disappear, I'm just talking about raising someone's spirits for a brief moment. Case in point: waiting in line to pick up my coffee with a dozen other people, all of us with a case of morning grumps. When the barista gave me my order I made eye contact, gave her my best 100 watt smile, and thanked her for working so hard on a Friday morning. For a micro-moment her eyes brightened and she smiled. I made that happen, and it was easy.

I don't know what the rest of her day will hold, but the moment we shared was positive. I hope more of her clients make that same, minimal effort.

 

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