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Mentally Tired of Brother


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My older brother has always been the type to hold grudges. One instance is before my mom died he got mad and called me to tell me that my mom got sick because my dad and I weren't taking care of her. I didn't want to hear it because my dad and I were the only ones who took care of her. My brother would stay away for years even though he was in the same town. My mom would worry about him. Days before he called and said those things he was acting nice. Once he got mad at me I avoided him.

After a few months he went back being nice and yesterday he got upset with me because I assumed he knew something, but didn't. I don't know where he lives even though it's in the same town. I'm just tired of his immature ways. I'm still dealing with my mom's death and my own mental health. I have anxiety, depression, PTSD, and psychotic issues. I still know right from wrong. I just try to keep myself as sane as I can.

He thinks we caused mom to get cancer. We took care of ma from day 1 until her last breath. My mom was on hospice. It's stressful taking care of a cancer or any hospice person. I had a nervous breakdown. I just couldn't deal with what was happening, but I had to take care of her. My mom told people if it wasn't for me she don't know where she would be. Sometimes my dad didn't want to be bothered. My brother he was gone. 

I just feel like just leaving him alone. He won't change. We were never close, so it doesn't matter. What do you think I should do?

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Hi,

I think you were the honorable one because you took care of your mom in her time of need.

Your brother might just be mad at himself or the loss and does not know how to handle his feelings.

Still he is your family, like a remnant of your mom because he comes from her so I think you could try to be friendly and see if you can patch things up.

I think you should also make it clear that you took care of her while he left so he should not be mad at you. If he does not meet you halfway, I think you should just focus on taking care of yourself and work through the PTSD.

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First, my sympathy with all that you've been through! 

We've had several crises with my parents in the last few years. One relative -- the busiest one -- also drops everything and shows up without being asked. Another's main contribution is "Why aren't you..." messages in a group text, which do nothing but make us feel blamed and spend time explaining decisions. Some people seem to confuse telling someone else to do something with actually DOING something.

Blaming you for your Mom's cancer, though?? It sounds like your brother was self-centered before this crisis and hasn't apologized since. That's different from blurting out a comment under stress and then taking it back after calming down. What should you do? My instinct would be: whatever costs you the least energy. You don't have to make long-term decisions now. You don't have to explain. Decisions were made by the people who WERE there, and it's done.

There are guided meditations for helping to shield yourself mentally when you have to deal with narcissists or other draining people. Maybe they could help a little, if he does end up staying in your life.

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10 hours ago, Evergreenforst4 said:

Hi,

I think you were the honorable one because you took care of your mom in her time of need.

Your brother might just be mad at himself or the loss and does not know how to handle his feelings.

Still he is your family, like a remnant of your mom because he comes from her so I think you could try to be friendly and see if you can patch things up.

I think you should also make it clear that you took care of her while he left so he should not be mad at you. If he does not meet you halfway, I think you should just focus on taking care of yourself and work through the PTSD.

I tried to patch things up, but every time, he goes back to his old ways. He has that teenage mentality. He's 48, so he should be mature and just let things be. Even after he says things to me that I don't like, I just put it in the back of my mind, but it comes back up when he has his mood swings, I guess you could call it that.

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3 hours ago, juno_writes said:

First, my sympathy with all that you've been through! 

We've had several crises with my parents in the last few years. One relative -- the busiest one -- also drops everything and shows up without being asked. Another's main contribution is "Why aren't you..." messages in a group text, which do nothing but make us feel blamed and spend time explaining decisions. Some people seem to confuse telling someone else to do something with actually DOING something.

Blaming you for your Mom's cancer, though?? It sounds like your brother was self-centered before this crisis and hasn't apologized since. That's different from blurting out a comment under stress and then taking it back after calming down. What should you do? My instinct would be: whatever costs you the least energy. You don't have to make long-term decisions now. You don't have to explain. Decisions were made by the people who WERE there, and it's done.

There are guided meditations for helping to shield yourself mentally when you have to deal with narcissists or other draining people. Maybe they could help a little, if he does end up staying in your life.

Thanks! I guess like the other person said, I need to focus on myself and just ignore his craziness. He's not going to change and if I don't want to do something, I don't have to. He is not my mother or father. I brought it up to him one time about a comment he made about when he said me and dad weren't taking care of mom since she had to have a tumor removed since she had cancer. He flat out told me he didn't say it and I'm lying. OMG! I would never make anything like that up. He actually called me when he said it. I just let it go, but I know what he said. I don't know if this was right or wrong, but when my mom came home and got on hospice, I had to drive to the hospital to give mom some clothes before she came home. Once she left the hospital and got home, we had to get her settled in. He came over fake crying and said why didn't I call him? My focus was on mom. I'm already mentally messed up because my mom is dying. He didn't seem like he cared before, so why now? I told him why I didn't. I did forget though. My mind was somewhere else. Maybe that was my fault.

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 7/5/2021 at 11:59 AM, Shy80 said:

Thanks! I guess like the other person said, I need to focus on myself and just ignore his craziness. He's not going to change and if I don't want to do something, I don't have to. He is not my mother or father. I brought it up to him one time about a comment he made about when he said me and dad weren't taking care of mom since she had to have a tumor removed since she had cancer. He flat out told me he didn't say it and I'm lying. OMG! I would never make anything like that up. He actually called me when he said it. I just let it go, but I know what he said. I don't know if this was right or wrong, but when my mom came home and got on hospice, I had to drive to the hospital to give mom some clothes before she came home. Once she left the hospital and got home, we had to get her settled in. He came over fake crying and said why didn't I call him? My focus was on mom. I'm already mentally messed up because my mom is dying. He didn't seem like he cared before, so why now? I told him why I didn't. I did forget though. My mind was somewhere else. Maybe that was my fault.

It sounds like he may be a toxic person but there also seems to be some hope that he cares as well.

When I said meet halfway, I think you should extend your hand but remain somewhat guarded for your sake to family and see if he meets halfway.

He may be an incredibly flawed person but is still your brother and a mother wants to see her children get along and prosper.

To me it is like artists who are not appreciated until they are dead. If you lost your brother the next day too would you wish you made amends or breathe a sigh of relief? That is how I would judge if I had that situation.

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