Jump to content

Still heartbroken so hoping things change


Recommended Posts

I was actually gonna ask people if they ever felt a relationship they were so sure was going to work out didn’t. So were they able to find a partner afterwards and realize it was better off this way. I’m still struggling but part of that is I don’t know how to accept the only girl I ever really loved isn’t going to be the one I end up with. 
 

This isn’t recent breakup stuff. This is the past that I am just confused by. I sometimes still see how she’s doing. We maybe talk like 3 times a year. I was really hurt by the breakup and pretty much still am. I’m an advoidant attachment person. I am dismissive so DA. I feel she was FA so fearful. Long story short my and her life are kinda a mess. 
 

I could be projecting this but it’s hard for me to believe I’m going to meet someone I click with like this. Part of the reason I keep seeing how she’s doing is to test can this connection fade. I even just told her like my therapist would tell me maybe we met to know it was possible to connect like this with someone. I just keep thinking not to take this for granted.
 

On her part she is recently single and I’m not gonna lie. She tried talking to me to see if there was a chance. Not even making this up I end up in the hospital because all of my feelings from the past just rush over me. I didn’t help myself by not having her number while in the hospital. I get out she basically completely changed and said she didn’t want to hurt me again and that I probably thought I was better without her. So basically her fearful avoidant style. 
 

That’s where my end is just really messed up. Constantly feeling the rejection of the person I care about as more than just a friend is just not good. I keep feeling like future relationships are gonna hurt me like this. It’s discouraging and painful. The weirdest thing is I try to tell myself to just move on. It actually causes me severe stress and emotional pain. I mean like panic attacks, triggering my PTSD, disassociation, abandonment issues, and separation anxiety. 
 

Im also not exactly excelling in life so idk if it’s like a comfort zone thing. Basically I’m comfortable with this cause it’s familiar. I’m doing ok under these circumstances but I’m just forcing my way thru all of this. I been getting treatment for years with meds, therapy and recently TMS. I see it like a tragedy that I just want to be over. I guess we’ll see how the rest of the story goes. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Basically just adding that I ended up contacting this ex. I basically just told her why I’m still holding on. I will hopefully get closure because I have nothing else I can say at this point. That might be naive on my part. At this point I am trying to gain some control. None of this has made sense so wouldn’t be that different. 
 

Also having OCD doesn’t help but lately it’s been more manageable. Now it’s on to dealing with avoiding and isolation. My favorite thing to do. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi,

I used to be engaged and she left me on a cold winter night. I am IA insecure attachment and I think she was too.

The current person I am with is Avoidant. We had ups and downs but we are happy now and worked through it.

I dated another girl for a while who made me feel so wonderful but she was not attractive and did not have the practical skills or education I was looking for.

Ultimately, I think no one is perfect we are all broken vessels, it is about loving someone despite their brokeness.

My opinion is that if she is fearful you might want to try being kind and gentle to her to perhaps alleviate her fears, if she does not want to be with you I think you should find a girl who makes you feel good and does want to be with you.

Because you are avoidant too, I think you should try to be mindful of how it might make others feel like you dont show emotions or care, so you could try to show things like poems or write or sing music or art. I think those are great ways to express feelings for someone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...
On 6/27/2021 at 4:19 AM, Evergreenforst4 said:

Hi,

I used to be engaged and she left me on a cold winter night. I am IA insecure attachment and I think she was too.

The current person I am with is Avoidant. We had ups and downs but we are happy now and worked through it.

I dated another girl for a while who made me feel so wonderful but she was not attractive and did not have the practical skills or education I was looking for.

Ultimately, I think no one is perfect we are all broken vessels, it is about loving someone despite their brokeness.

My opinion is that if she is fearful you might want to try being kind and gentle to her to perhaps alleviate her fears, if she does not want to be with you I think you should find a girl who makes you feel good and does want to be with you.

Because you are avoidant too, I think you should try to be mindful of how it might make others feel like you dont show emotions or care, so you could try to show things like poems or write or sing music or art. I think those are great ways to express feelings for someone.

Definitely good advice. I was struggling with OCD and PTSD. Usually I struggle with one at a time but this was both really bad. I didn’t respond to anyone. I hope so too but sometimes it’s like I either like someone who doesn’t like me back or they really like me but they aren’t good for me. I treat everyone the same so maybe I attract people who want me to be good to them. It’s just if they aren’t good to me I don’t want to keep myself around those people. People might say give them a chance. When I see you treat other people poorly but me nice I see that as a red flag. 
 

im glad things worked out and I always feel that’s possible for me too. It’s just been so long with me still trying to be hopeful. It’s super easy for me to think otherwise. The one thing that always confused me was I think me being good to her triggered her. So far her other relationships they didn’t treat her good but she stayed in them. I treat her good and she’s afraid of getting close or thinks she’s not good enough. Also this might be weird but I feel I was avoidant and now sometimes fearful. I’m also like a hopeless romantic which almost contradicts everything. I guess maybe I really want the relationship but feel it won’t work out. I think it’s cause my parents are so different and somehow my personality clashes. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So you can get people to like you.

I think you really just need to be yourself, if you try to be someone you are not then you are going to attract someone who is attracted to what you pretended to be.

Like for example, if you are clingy and like to text a lot, then don't court someone who does not text a lot or pretend you are okay with it. I did this and I did not notice since I had other dates lined up but then once I was exclusive I realized it was not enough communication.

It is better the be the best cat you can be instead of a dog if that is what you are. The power of just being yourself.

That will help you attract the right people and avoid personality clashes, just be real from the get go.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...