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Charlee

food idk

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So ive a messed up relationship with food and recently a trauma happened to me and I lost my appetite and couldn't eat much and lost a tone of weight, so now my weight is quite low and since ive a past with disordered eating its really triggering for me because I like being small, I like this small body, I like it a hell of a lot better than my "normal" body. But I also struggle with binge eating and my emotions are so omg, i'm either restricting and starving because I cant eat or im binging till I cannot move, and both are extreme reactions to distract myself from these horrible feelings I feel about myself. Im never in a neutral middle with food or my body, I cant accept my "full" body for how it is and I can't go back, I cant have that body again, I cant be me anymore. Whatever is this. I dont know. 

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We're just trying to feel better.  The main thing is we can't be hard on ourselves.  The world will treat you drastically different depending upon how we look.  It's always been that way so that becomes addictive.  Yeah they're finally treating me human.  Sitting here alone starving is awful though so the cycle continues and continues.  I would have never gotten an eating disorder if it wasn't for the people around me that will have the nerve to say wow you've really put on weight but at different times say here's a large pizza and a 2 liter of pop.  They play both sides and screw us up big time.

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I experienced the same things, especially when I was a teenager (most likely all women do right?) but I got it from my parents, boys, other kids at school, that being small was the way to be, that I needed to have small boobs, small waist, small butt, small thighs, everything small. But then I'd be yelled at for kipping meals and told I need to eat, but then told "dont eat that, itl make you fat". That shit is so confusing, even now. It messes you up so good and controls you even as an adults. 

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