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Victoria1011

New to forum, need advice please

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last week I confessed  to my husband of 13 years that I was unfaithful to him. I also told him that our daughter (5yeasr old) might not be his. the pain that I have been dealing with is beyond imaginable, seeing him in so much pain is so painful. but I couldn't live with this anymore. I could have chose not to tell him at all but what if he would have found when she's older. I started going to a therapist is helping a little. but when I wake up every morning I just can't believe what we're going through. I want to say that prior to my confession I did a home dna test for siblings for my other child and the results came back that they are full siblings. after my confession he wanted a paternity test in which I did with the same DNA company, the results came back that he is not the father. he thinks that it could be a mistake. I told him that I'm willing to walk out of the relationship but he wants to work through it. I asked if he wants a legit one meaning going to a courthouse and he said no. he is sure that is his daughter. I need your advise PLEASE. The guilt is overpowering me.

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I am so very, very sorry you are suffering this painful ordeal.  Wish I had some great insight or wisdom that would help but sadly I am at a loss.

We all do the best we can at each moment of our lives given everything that is influencing us.  You were under unbelievable pressure to tell your husband what you told him.  And to me, you did the best you could in that situation. 

None of us are all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-perfect infinite beings.  We are finite beings.  We each have a little 3 pound brain.  That brain does the best it can given everything influencing it moment to moment.  Beating yourself up for what happened and what is happening does not seem fair to your brain. 

Sometimes when we feel badly, our sense of guilt becomes excessive.  And sometimes it helps to try to keep some perspective.  What I mean is, we all do things we are sorry for, . . . we all make mistakes.  I've made many.  But there are mistakes and then there are mistakes.  A couple of men in the last 100 years caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, woman and children through campaigns of genocide and forced starvation.  You have not caused the destruction of tens of millions of people, or millions, or hundreds of thousands, or tens of thousands, or thousands, or hundreds and so on. 

In addition to this, I am sure that in your life and in your marriage, and as a mother, you have done countless little and big acts of courage, kindness, compassion, understanding and generosity.  Countless little and big acts of goodness and beauty.  It is easy when one is feeling badly to forget these things or discount them.  Please try not to forget.

Often when we feel badly, we put ourselves on trial, mentally speaking.   We have a judge, jury and prosecutor.  But something is missing.  Where is our defense attorney?  Where is someone to stick up for us and defend us?  How can a trial be fair without a defense?  The truth is, such a trial can never be fair.  Such trials are unfair to us and unfair to fairness itself.

You are a good person.  You have done so much good in your life that you should be respected, admired, appreciated and treasured. 

Wish I knew what to say to ease your pain.  Hopefully others here with more understanding and wisdom will see your post and respond to it with something really and truly helpful to you.  I think you are a very heroic person!

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16 hours ago, Victoria1011 said:

last week I confessed  to my husband of 13 years that I was unfaithful to him. I also told him that our daughter (5yeasr old) might not be his. the pain that I have been dealing with is beyond imaginable, seeing him in so much pain is so painful. but I couldn't live with this anymore. I could have chose not to tell him at all but what if he would have found when she's older. I started going to a therapist is helping a little. but when I wake up every morning I just can't believe what we're going through. I want to say that prior to my confession I did a home dna test for siblings for my other child and the results came back that they are full siblings. after my confession he wanted a paternity test in which I did with the same DNA company, the results came back that he is not the father. he thinks that it could be a mistake. I told him that I'm willing to walk out of the relationship but he wants to work through it. I asked if he wants a legit one meaning going to a courthouse and he said no. he is sure that is his daughter. I need your advise PLEASE. The guilt is overpowering me.

I am so sorry to hear that you are having some issues right now in your marriage. I cannot tell you what to do but I can say if you still believe in your family.  It is worth working through it to get to the other side. I wish the two of you nothing but the best as the two of you go through this. Be blessed my friend and do not beat yourself up because it will not do any of you any good.

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Thank you for your kind words.  I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart, it means so much to me. It feels somewhat relieving to talk about this since I can't tell my friends and family. I just don't know how to go about it. I can't see breaking up my kids little fragile hearts. my kids love each other so much. My husband is the kindest man you can ever meet and truly doesn't deserve this pain that I have caused him. I'm thinking in the future how my kids would question me why they don't look alike ect. what can I say, what do I do.💔 I feel like this pain is going to be here forever.

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