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Struggles with POCD. seems very real. need advice please.

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ok so ill just warn the readers now: mentions of pedophilia as it is a pocd post. 

basically i can't seek therapy right now so i need advice from other users who might have gone through the same thing. about 3 years ago when i was 14, i first had pocd. i was experiencing groinal responses and false attractions. i started experiencing these after i started questioning if i was a pedo or not so i can confidently say that these weren't already things that were happening unprovoked because if they were, i think i would definitely be a pedophile. it went on for like two months id say. by the end of this period i was so fed up with waking up everyday and questioning everything that i gave in and just admitted that i might actually be a pedophile. that was one reason, the other was that i actually thought i was one because of the groinal responses and whatnot like i mentioned. im 17 now. i have never been in a room with a kid and had an urge to do something bad to them. i have never had the sexual urge to look at ch*ld p*rn. i have never had the urge to want to go to the park for the sole reason of looking at kids and taking pictures of them. i don't ever sexually fantasise about kids in my own time. but what has happened is that one time when i was like 16, i had a sort of arousal towards someone who was 10. i can't remember the details well enough but what i can say is i didn't go ahead and do anything weird with that thought. this happened like a year and a bit after the whole pocd incident so in my head i already thought i was a pedo. any other sort of arousal that i have had was towards characters in cartoons. there was another instance where i had an 'attraction' to someone who was 12 but this happened at a time where i was having/just had another pocd episode so my ocd mightve been interfering with that. just recently i had another pocd episode and about a month/month and a bit/two months after, i had a dream doing it to someone who was like 12-13. when i woke up and i was having my lunch, i remember just the way this person looked put me off lunch. like not the actual s*xual part but just the way they looked as in being underdeveloped, prepubescent looking just made me kinda disgusted. i couldn't finish my food because of this thought. thats basically my experience with pocd so far, i just wanna know if me being convinced that i was a pedophile could have caused these thoughts since i don't fit the usual definition of a pedophile: im not primarily or exclusively attracted to kids (my attractions are to people around my age or just straight up adults), i don't have near uncontrollable urges to go for kids, i don't have fantasise about kids. the only thing that i could say would even hint at something like pedophilia just completely naturally and unprovoked by what i think is OCD would be attraction to petite girls around my age or petite women. but even then i prefer atleast medium chested than flat chested. so yeah, is it possible that being convinced that you are a pedophile can cause 'attractions' much later down the line like in my case? what's going on with me?

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