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Ok so hello. I'm 23 years old except it felt like I was dead the entire time I was 22. I don't want to talk about that a whole lot but I'm kind of at a loss of where to start because I don't really know what I'm here for except I can't get anything done, I can't stave off the bad, depressive thoughts no matter what I do and I keep crying every time I think about my situation or think with my real thoughts (i.e. thoughts other than "I need/want to eat" or "take a shower to cope"). 

Before my depression got really bad I had a pretty concrete idea of who I was or at least who I wanted to be and it got crushed pretty severely. Then, because I'm online a lot, I let a ton of stuff get to me. All the jokes/memes I used to enjoy started to bother me because, I don't know, I started growing up and life started feeling more real? Like, I used to make jokes about real life, as if I wasn't living life, and then realized that people live their lives, and make jokes about abstract things whereas I feel very incorporeal and prefer to make fun of what others call 'real life'. And I made some mistakes that really corrupted what was not a bad life but I wasn't enjoying because my body feels broken or like it's fighting against itself at all times. I feel like I'm allergic to emotional connection and honesty. 

I have a narcissistic personality and some bipolar traits I've wanted to address with therapists but I haven't felt safe or able to be emotionally vulnerable for like, a year, since I stopped seeing my therapist I was connected to through my college. Now my academic career has been prolonged but I don't want to stress about it. I feel really unsafe talking to new therapists even though I seriously need one. I have no idea how to turn my defenses off without feeling like I'm going to be killed. I used to sit by my window and imagine someone aiming a gun at me, and now I live in an apartment complex where I can't see the street, or anywhere else, except other people's windows. 

The last thing I remember before my depression getting really bad was reading an extremely dark novel that intrigued me so much that it felt like I was finally reading something real, and ever since then, I've hardly been able to read books to cope with depression. Perhaps my next move should be finding that book again. I'm just tired of chasing after happiness and not finding it wherever I go. But, there's my introduction. I'm probably leaving out stuff I'll think of later on... Hi. 

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Hi and welcome! What a great start to opening up and being real about that struggles going on in your mind. Of course you're leaving out stuff. This is not a beginning, middle and end your story is still being written and in this part, you explored being honest and vulnerable.

You deserve credit for that because it ain't easy, even when you don't have to face people as you do it. Just wanted to say I think you did a good job and as hope you'll experiment more with vulnerabilities here. Even though it's uncomfortable, it is how we work through debilitating feelings like shame. 

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I wish it was just shame and I could get over things with some refreshers on body positivity but I should also mention I'm getting stalked as of late and that's been adding to my usual distress. 

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I am so sorry you are in the situation you describe , samsaferrari.  That sounds so miserable and scary.  You've been through so much and are still going through a lot.  What a heartbreaking situation.  I wish I knew what to say to ease your pain.  You sound like a very heroic person to me.  Hopefully you will find these Forums to be a warm, friendly and helpful place.  This site has helped me a lot.  I am so sorry that I really don't know how to be really helpful to you and feel like my words are worse than useless. 

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