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Charlee

Deeeppreesssiiiooonnnn.......

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Do you think one can be depressed for so long that they don't know any other way to exist so they continue to be depressed? I find my mind often drifting to this train of thought, I remember being a kid and being happy, or I at least remember myself as being a happy kid, but then I move on to my teen years and it becomes so dark, granted a lot of messed up shit happened to me during those years which is most likely why I am the way I am as an adult (now 28). But it's so dark, I cant remember a time that I wasn't a child and not been depressed, anxious, angry, scared, hurt omg I don't know. But I think it's scary because I don't see a way out, I don't see how my future will be any different. I'll probably be on one antidepressant or another my entire life and I'll always be battling this. Sure I go through months where things don't seem so bad, but in the months that are bad... its really bad. The thoughts are loud. I cant cope. 

I don't know if this makes sense, I guess the point of this is to write these thoughts out to others who understand where I'm coming from and perhaps share the same fears as I do.. or are older and have been existing this way for awhile. Im scared, I'm alone, I'm sad and (TW suicide) I don't want to be part of this world anymore. I've never really admitted to being suicidal before, but I think I have to admit now that these thoughts are getting stronger and darker and the out is looking better than existing..... I'm really struggling, I'm so in my head, I cant seem to get out. Doing my job is hard, getting out of bed is hard, everything feels like I'm slogging though thick masses of mud. Everything is so hard right now and I guess this is a cry for help more than anything. 

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I'm so very, very sorry this is happening to you.  It's just heartbreaking!  Since I am having serious vision issues I am afraid that I cannot respond to your post the way I wish I could.  So sorry! 

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Ive realised that I only come to this forum when I'm quite bad and feel there's nowhere else to go. Reading through my last few posts, they seem pretty similar to this one even though more than a year has passed, and it could seem like nothing has changed but that's not true. My last post was in Jan 2020, since then Ive moved cities and am about to complete my masters degree in biomedical science (back then I wasn't sure I was being accepted or not) I've picked up a couple of hobbies - I regularly go to yoga, I rock climb and I've just taken up nail art. I havnt had any real hobbies in years. So while im not cured, and this post suggests im still in a very bad spot and I am, overall I'm doing better, my general life and wellbeing has improved. Just the ol' depression and anxiety have decided to step up and make themselves known again. I will weather through, i've been through this cycle enough to know that this darkness does lift, if not forever, then the few months in-between are something to hope for. When I submit my thesis i'm going to take an extended break, im going to go home and spend time with my family, see my old friends, maybe travel the country a bit (im in New Zealand so the covid situation is pretty good/almost non-existent). Right now I'm feeling hopeful. (In writing this i've also realised how severe my mood swings are... something to tell the doc). 

Thanks for being here DF, you are the place I come when I've nowhere else to go ❤️ 

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Im glad you feel better. We are always here with you.

I agree with you about having DF here with us. I frequently sleep with DF in my hp. I feel DF is like my home. 

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8 hours ago, Camellia said:

Im glad you feel better. We are always here with you.

I agree with you about having DF here with us. I frequently sleep with DF in my hp. I feel DF is like my home. 

DF is my family in many ways...people here know more about me than my relatives. 

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14 hours ago, JD4010 said:

DF is my family in many ways...people here know more about me than my relatives. 

@JD4010   I understand what u are saying, that DF is your family in many ways. I feel the same .  I always read your posts, and other family members' posts in here.

Reading yours and other posters of our family here give me strength to help me with my days. I never share my things with my real family because ... (i dont know how to say it)....i dont belong to my real family...i should not be born in the family....

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2 hours ago, Camellia said:

@JD4010   I understand what u are saying, that DF is your family in many ways. I feel the same .  I always read your posts, and other family members' posts in here.

Reading yours and other posters of our family here give me strength to help me with my days. I never share my things with my real family because ... (i dont know how to say it)....i dont belong to my real family...i should not be born in the family....

Yeah, I don't share with my "IRL" family either. I'm the black sheep and the weirdo.

I don't really have any IRL friends to share with either... 

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Posted (edited)
22 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Yeah, I don't share with my "IRL" family either. I'm the black sheep and the weirdo.

I don't really have any IRL friends to share with either... 

@JD4010    Thank you for sharing. All you've said is exactly the same with me. Im the black sheep of the family. I cry a lot when I think about my IRL family. Nothing i do that can please them or make them happy. Im so confused. I dont know what to do. 

I dont hv IRL friends either. 

Edited by Camellia

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I'm the black sheep for sure.  My story even I couldn't tell it in a way that would make sense to someone.  People would be confused every step of the way because none of it is logical.  I'm mad as a hatter and I always will be.

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13 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'm the black sheep for sure.  My story even I couldn't tell it in a way that would make sense to someone.  People would be confused every step of the way because none of it is logical.  I'm mad as a hatter and I always will be.

this makes me very curious about " your story"  ... just because

 

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22 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm the black sheep for sure.  My story even I couldn't tell it in a way that would make sense to someone.  People would be confused every step of the way because none of it is logical.  I'm mad as a hatter and I always will be.

@sober4life   Im sorry that you are having the same problem, the black sheep. From your post, its much more difficult  than mine. Your post brought me into tears.

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On 4/4/2021 at 6:47 PM, Charlee said:

Do you think one can be depressed for so long that they don't know any other way to exist so they continue to be depressed?

 

Yes.  Very much so.  Like a habit.  A very bad habit. 

Worse, we can wallow in it.  "I am depressed" is a simple statement and an "out" to many situations.  I'm not minimizing depression here.  But yes, it can become a mindset...or our "de facto mode"  It gets even harder to break out of. And if we isolate, then fewer friends willing to hang around and try to invest their energy into us to help pull us up.  Vicious cycle ensues.

For some, (me) we may feel the feelings of depression stronger than other feelings.  If I did not feel depressed, I would not feel anything (for long periods.  But realizing this has helped me manage it)

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1 hour ago, mmoose said:

"I am depressed" is a simple statement

That is a absolute true post ! I read it and it felt like I am looking in a mirror. Very well said Moose 🙂

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6 hours ago, Camellia said:

@sober4life   Im sorry that you are having the same problem, the black sheep. From your post, its much more difficult  than mine. Your post brought me into tears.

I'm sorry I made you cry.  I will say I'm more at peace with myself and my life than I've ever been.  There's nothing wrong with any of us here.  We've been abused and cast aside by our own families for as long as we can remember.  Who has the real problems here and maybe we're better off not being a real part of that group.

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18 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm sorry I made you cry.  I will say I'm more at peace with myself and my life than I've ever been.  There's nothing wrong with any of us here.  We've been abused and cast aside by our own families for as long as we can remember.  Who has the real problems here and maybe we're better off not being a real part of that group.

That's a great way to look at it. I'm at a state of relative peace too. I have a cousin who checks in on me from time to time, but she has her own battles she's fighting. I haven't seen any of my family for years (except for my daughter of course). It doesn't really bother me all that much either...I don't have to fake my way through a get-together with them.

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8 hours ago, JD4010 said:

That's a great way to look at it. I'm at a state of relative peace too. I have a cousin who checks in on me from time to time, but she has her own battles she's fighting. I haven't seen any of my family for years (except for my daughter of course). It doesn't really bother me all that much either...I don't have to fake my way through a get-together with them.

I have to fake it with everyone.  Everyone that comes by here is hoping to discover I'm not doing well.  They won't say that of course.  It will be all smiles and hi how are you as they look around for anything that might show I'm slipping.  I'm sure this will be fun for the next 40 years.  Every arrival will feel like I'm still living in low income apartments and it's inspection day.

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The big question..how do I feel right now? Hmmm let’s see, well right now I’m frustrated a little angry and sad all at the same time, I’m so tired of arguing with my partner it seems like that’s all we do anymore.. some would say get out of the relationship! Hell, even I’ve said it and sometimes I think that’s what I want and that it would be for the best for both of us! I don’t know I’m so confused and upset all the time that I don’t know if I’m coming or going, I keep praying that things will get better for me but they never do, this is horrible to feel so trapped inside yourself and having no one to talk to about it, no friends per say to vent to. Between my disorder and my relationship problems, I just don’t see a happy ending to any of this! Oh well mabey tomorrow will be better god willing...😢

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I have good days, but they do seem fewer and further between. Also, I'm definitely prone to sadness about being sad, and anxiety about being anxious. It's a hopeless feeling, but little things I do temporarily alleviate it all. It's actually a pretty interesting life, but full of frustration (to the point where I wonder when the merry go round will stop).

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On 4/9/2021 at 6:13 AM, mmoose said:

Yes.  Very much so.  Like a habit.  A very bad habit. 

Worse, we can wallow in it.  "I am depressed" is a simple statement and an "out" to many situations.  I'm not minimizing depression here.  But yes, it can become a mindset...or our "de facto mode"  It gets even harder to break out of. And if we isolate, then fewer friends willing to hang around and try to invest their energy into us to help pull us up.  Vicious cycle ensues.

For some, (me) we may feel the feelings of depression stronger than other feelings.  If I did not feel depressed, I would not feel anything (for long periods.  But realizing this has helped me manage it)

Well, i'm glad this feeling is felt by others also. But what I dont know is how to change this. Is trying to "change" even the right way to go about "getting better"? can we even get better? or are we supposed to accept that we get depressed sometimes and its just part of our lives and we can still function, we've good and bad days. I dont know, I feel I can handle feelings of deep depression much better than I can handle anxiety, which has progressively gotten worse as the years have past. In my experience, trying to change or "just not be depressed" doesn't work for me (does it work for anyone though? if someone said that to me I'd be like "okoe................."), I feel I need to work on accepting it as part of me and figure out how to work and live with it so im not so impaired by it. Which feels doable for me, the anxiety on the other hand.... its quite bad and ive no idea what to do about it, meds dont seem to help and docs arent really prescribing benzos anymore. There must be ways to handle anxiety and live a somewhat functional life. I know the old "just try it little by little and eventually it'll get easier" but that doesn't seem to apply when its social anxiety or anxiety about speaking, or being around people or even just damn leaving the house. I dont know. The other day I needed to post something and Ive no idea why (my anxiety has a life of its own) but I was so so so anxious and I was trying this tapping routine on my collarbone bones and, it got me over the road and into the postoffice, but I wasn't able to calm down and feel safe until I got home. 

What do you guys do to handle life with depression and anxiety etc...? 

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