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I am a monster


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Today I wake up and I feel like I'm a monster. I got to admit that I have no friends. The friends that I usually have are people who come and go. They usually get in touch with me to seek for assistance either financially or technically. And I would help them if those are within my mean. I am bad at judging. I will treat some of them as my close friends. And at some point, bad things happen. I will then hear people commenting "seriously, you treat him/her as close friend?". Hence, I develop habits to seek for friends that are worth making. I would take the initiative to get in touch with them and just chat. Sometimes I like hearing how they are doing, what's going in their daily life, and how's their family. Sometimes, I wish to share my feelings and stories too. Nevertheless, when I stop the initiative, everything turns silent. No one actually text/call me or invite me to something. I find that most of the time I am the only want who wants to keep the conversation on. I feel there's something wrong with me. There must be a reason why most of the people around me are not looking for me, establishing a relation with me, or sharing something deep with me. I feel that the world is telling me I am a monster. That no one wants to be close to me or have any relation with me. Is better off I live in isolation. The only one thing I enjoy now is reading. Because reading allows me to feel the authors are talking with me. I feel quite pathetic. I am good in technical now but I have no one to share my joys/success/stories with.

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I wonder if things would be this bad for you with others (caring for you) if you were seeing them in person.  Maybe you are seeing them in person . . . yes?

I moved back to my home town a few years ago and had no friends.  So I started going to a "Meetup" group (do they have those where you are?) every other week and it took time for me to ask to meet someone socially, but I did, and she has turned out to be a good friend.  However, she is one to highjack a conversation by ONLY talking about herself if I let it happen.  I told her my perspective, and she was very apologetic and vowed to be aware of it when we were together.  She's good most of the time, and when she's not, she doesn't resent my saying so.

There developed a strange change of habit, however, with another one or two other people from the group (it's a group focused on "Law of Attraction") who were joining us on a regular basis for late dinners after the meeting, and even getting together socially on the weekends.  I finally thought I had a social life until it just STOPPED suddenly. They weren't available to go out afterwards, or on weekends.  I confronted one of them about it--not accusatorily, just heart-open, wondering what was up.  I asked if I had done something to offend her, told her I missed her company--and she FROZE. There was OBVIOUSLY something wrong, but she lied and said everything was fine. I don't know if this turnabout came because she asked me once when we were alone, "how do you deal with C__________ talking nonstop?" I told her I was just up front about C's sometimes inconsiderate lack of courtesy in conversation, and she replied "I guess I just don't have that kind of relationship with her."

But, we have only spoken impersonally since--and it's strange. I figured I did what I could to address the situation, and having learned that if one person doesn't want the friendship or romantic relationship, the relationship must be let go.  It still smarts, but I've found that most people just . . . don't know how to have a direct and truthful conversation.  

If you feel a friendship is worth it, just ask the other person(s) what's up--why you don't hear from them, etc.  There's nothing wrong with you.  

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Yeah people that treat us like crap and are the monster themselves are good at making us feel like the monster.  I mean how are we the monster?  We just want people to be decent instead of using us for whatever they need and throwing us out like a wrung out sponge when we speak up about being used.

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