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I think I'll try making myself at home here. I feel like I have much to say, but no idea where to begin.

I'll start with hello.

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Hello right back to our new member friend.

We are here to listen to your concerns.

Depression isn't fun but we are not helpless confronting it.

Post your concerns when you feel comfortable doing so.

 

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Welcome! 

Whatever is on your mind is a fine place to begin. Crafting a narrative can feel empowering and stories are important. Yet it can feel overwhelming to start at the very beginning so perhaps why you came here and why now would make a good start?

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Alright.

Depression has been on/off for many years. It could be classed as dysthymic, in general I'm just not as enthusiastic as others. I feel that one source for this is disappointment in our current state of mass consumption and production, where I long for a more relaxed pace and sense of belonging. And of course balance with nature.

I haven't necessarily been living by my values. My career choice as heavy equipment mechanic came from "I don't know what to do for a living." I don't like machinery, and there is much stress involved in the work. I finally decided to leave it behind late last year, because I was tired of living a lie. My company also thought covid was a joke, and I was having a hard time speaking up about my opposing view.

Now I'm attempting to set up a small farm with my dad. I've always had a hard time getting along with him, and I thought enough time has passed that we can cooperate now. But these old knee-jerk reactions keep coming up. Many days are good, but some days I resent my existence. Some days I resent him, though he tries hard to help me. Some days I am overwhelmed by the uncertainty of this whole endeavor, and all the red tape and regulations involved in food safety certification. Not to mention growing and selling a good product. And I'm often lacking in motivation, feeling like I'm simply biding my time until I die while trying not to be evil. So I lash out once in a while, usually directing all my anger at myself. Family is concerned.

I don't keep in touch with any of my friends right now. They don't keep in touch with me either. My hope is that being on this forum will help me get used to interaction again.

Hope that wasn't too long.

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Your situation sounds extremely stressful.  I wish I knew what to say that would be helpful.  You are very insightful and I hope these Forums prove useful to you.  They have helped me a lot in my own personal struggles. 

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Epictetus, the stoic philosopher! Nice to hear from you.

I hope I will eventually just accept all that is. I don't expect answers from anyone. I'm more or less mapping my thoughts out, and I value the input from others.

To be concise, I need to confront perfectionism, anger, social anxiety (probably GAD as well), hopelessness, and desire for things (and people) to be different than what they are. I'm honestly OK most days but the bad ones are explosive still. I exercise, meditate (or try to, ego doesn't like to take a rest), read, have hobbies. Still, the bad days are severe to the point of considering using meds again. But I don't think I should need to. I feel that I'm so close to getting over myself, yet it's hard to trust myself to manage those bad days.

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One trick I try to employ is to store or bank some of the high from the good days to be   withdrawn for the bad days.

Old Man Depression is relentless in dragging us towards the abyss.

We must be vigilant and clever with powerful metaphors.

I like to call them : CLEVERful MEDaphors.

My motto: DESPAIR not / REPAIR a lot.

 

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5 hours ago, Oscar K said:

One trick I try to employ is to store or bank some of the high from the good days to be   withdrawn for the bad days.

Old Man Depression is relentless in dragging us towards the abyss.

We must be vigilant and clever with powerful metaphors.

I like to call them : CLEVERful MEDaphors.

My motto: DESPAIR not / REPAIR a lot.

 

Hmmm storing or banking some of the high from the good days means we have to remember the good days right? That’s the hard part cos when things fall apart, everything just disappears and I feel the whole world is against me. Of course that’s old man depression so gotto keep finding ways to live with him. Thanks for your tricks. 

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6 hours ago, csam said:

Epictetus, the stoic philosopher! Nice to hear from you.

I hope I will eventually just accept all that is. I don't expect answers from anyone. I'm more or less mapping my thoughts out, and I value the input from others.

To be concise, I need to confront perfectionism, anger, social anxiety (probably GAD as well), hopelessness, and desire for things (and people) to be different than what they are. I'm honestly OK most days but the bad ones are explosive still. I exercise, meditate (or try to, ego doesn't like to take a rest), read, have hobbies. Still, the bad days are severe to the point of considering using meds again. But I don't think I should need to. I feel that I'm so close to getting over myself, yet it's hard to trust myself to manage those bad days.

I would recommend not to take meds. I think I’m the only one hear who keep saying that. Cos it’s very hard to get off them. 

Are you seeing a therapist/counsellor? I kinda go through the same things like not knowing what to do with my life and boy the explosions I have is just crazy. I think my whole neighbourhood knows about it cos I will run out shouting but I pretend I’m ok the next day and nobody cares anymore. And of course I can’t wait to die but can’t go..really just waiting forever.. I’m very bad at motivating myself too. I only know I need someone to hear me out to make me feel understood. I always feel no one around me understands me especially on my worst days. But once I reach out to someone (stranger usually cos my dad keeps pushing me to be happy n that’s his way to help but doesn’t work), I guess I manage to calm down a bit. 

Really wish u all the best with those red tapes. Knowing people in that industry will help a lot I think. 

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4 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

I would recommend not to take meds. I think I’m the only one hear who keep saying that. Cos it’s very hard to get off them. 

I appreciate your concern, but I've been on them before so I have some idea of what to expect. I don't remember them being very effective either, but I only gave them a few months trial. It would be a last resort at any rate. Would like to avoid them if I can.

I've done a lot of conselling over several years. It's getting to be redundant, so I've taken up reading self-help and doing workbooks. And I was clipping along great, but all it takes is one bad day and everyone thinks you're unstable again. I've been exercising, meditating, cut out all kinds of intense music/media and replaced with more calming stuff, did some volunteer work, being kind to my family, being kind to myself. I'll keep doing that stuff. Maybe it'll stick eventually and I'll be ok with this wacky world again.

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