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Svenetc

Hello, I am new here and seek for advice or anything....

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Hi, I do nor know where to start. But I hope I find answers here.

My name is Sven and I am 48 years old. I have two children 16 and 18 this year. I was married for almost 18 years ( my one and only marriage )

This however ended by her cheating on me and she left me last year without warning or anything and filed for divorce - for another guy. That happens I guess. I just had no hint but suspected it. 

I do hold and always did have a steady job , I am a humble guy, kind , faithful and clean, straight forward and do no drugs or run to bars etc, never cheated and just tried to do my best as a husband , friend and father. And I failed at least as a husband. I have been treated for depression before and never succeeded with any of that medication or talks to strangers. I am me. I know how I feel and how I will feel when I get hurt.

Now I have been hurt badly and I do not cope well. I do respect my Ex-Spouse's choice and wish her good luck. But giving my trust away again did hurt me even worse than loosing my marriage.

But now it is ME- time. I trust so little in anyone anymore and who ever gains that trust should value it because it is that hard for me to come out of my shell and open up my mind and heart. If I do it is a win for who ever itis. Well got yet another shell shock by trusting the wrong person I guess.

It starts tearing me apart badly and I do not know where I can turn to. I try to avoid triggers and just be myself, but I am surrounded by people at work and even online who can read in between my lines. Whether I say it or write it. They know that even if I crack a joke or even smile - this is not my inside.

I do not wanna live in constant fear of being disappointed or emotionally abused. 

Sorry if that has been discussed maybe 200 times in this forum, but I have no clue where to start searching for answers.

Any " Plan B " ? 

Thank you !

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Hi and welcome to the forum.  Here it doesn't matter whether we've heard something 200 times or 2000 times.  Here we can discuss what is on our minds and no one questions what we think or feel.  For a long time, I hid behind a mask to hide what I was feeling.  I still do that today, I do not allow anyone to know exactly who I am.  Because I have been hurt by so many people, family and friends.  Here you will find people who understand you and get what you're saying.  

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Thank you !  I do allow people to know who I am and what I truly feel - once I trust them. That is a hard thing to achieve because I am overly protective of my inner self. I am trying to break out my shell and be me. Some people I work with or deal with know my inside. They can read me and ask. It is just me that is the holdup. But I will try to find answers here and I bet I will.

So Thanks again !

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I'm sorry to hear about the divorce.separation is hard for me to move on from too. And trust broken is so painful. 

There are many therapies I trust in that have helped with me address an underlying condition: avoiding authebtic emotional contact with people and stuffing my feelings down. 

How is it for you, expressing your full range of feelings--especially the uncomfortable ones like anger, sadness and pain? Is it difficult to find an outlet?

For the past couple of years I've been re-learning how to cry, weep. It's difficult. And it's also a reliable way to release all those feelings i withhold. 

Wishing you some peace and resilience. 

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4 hours ago, Atra said:

I'm sorry to hear about the divorce.separation is hard for me to move on from too. And trust broken is so painful. 

There are many therapies I trust in that have helped with me address an underlying condition: avoiding authebtic emotional contact with people and stuffing my feelings down. 

How is it for you, expressing your full range of feelings--especially the uncomfortable ones like anger, sadness and pain? Is it difficult to find an outlet?

For the past couple of years I've been re-learning how to cry, weep. It's difficult. And it's also a reliable way to release all those feelings i withhold. 

Wishing you some peace and resilience. 

Thank you ,

I am glad you learned how to cry and cope. This is important.  I am a very emotional person and an easy target getting emotionally hurt. I do not express my feelings - whether the comfortable ones or the uncomfortable ones. I pack them in a shell and only people who know me can read in between the lines. They can tell whether I am doing good or if I am not doing well. Once I am comfortable enough and have some trust I can release my feelings and am able to acknowledge empathy or advice.

If I can't find an outlet or any advice out in my daily life is when I turn online and read other peoples stories.

There are often good and helpful pieces of my "life puzzle " to be found.

 

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18 hours ago, Svenetc said:

I am glad you learned how to cry and cope. This is important

Thank you. I am learning, it's taking time to un-learn the socialization I breathed in. 

It makes sense to me that as a survival strategy, you learned to put a turtle shell around your emotions. I have done this but it made true and deep relationships hard. I don't know what is a better problem. Therapy has helped me figure out ways to share my feelings but also have boundaries. As you say, find safe people. 

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Like many of us here, the story sounds familiar. I’ll keep this short as my top tips for what might help you. 
1. take time for yourself, learn to love yourself first and learn to express your boundaries. I will or will not do that. It is hard to say no, but you will eventually get more respect and you will be respecting yourself.

2. find a distraction for yourself, a hobby, something you enjoy and get into it. Read books, join a gym, cooking class. It doesnt matter but something you dofor yourself

3. keep writing on here, it helps to write it down, we dont judge you, we try and offer our moral support and suggest things that you might wish to try.

welcome to our ‘happy’ group 

 

Edited by Extremebeginner

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On 2/21/2021 at 6:55 AM, Extremebeginner said:

Like many of us here, the story sounds familiar. I’ll keep this short as my top tips for what might help you. 
1. take time for yourself, learn to love yourself first and learn to express your boundaries. I will or will not do that. It is hard to say no, but you will eventually get more respect and you will be respecting yourself.

2. find a distraction for yourself, a hobby, something you enjoy and get into it. Read books, join a gym, cooking class. It doesnt matter but something you dofor yourself

3. keep writing on here, it helps to write it down, we dont judge you, we try and offer our moral support and suggest things that you might wish to try.

welcome to our ‘happy’ group 

 

Thank you ... I will follow those steps... and I will be fine and i am glad I have a place to express myself

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I feel for you. I caught my now ex husband cheating on me and was ultimately left for the other woman. Rejection of the one you trusted most changes you. To the point where I no longer trusted myself because of all the abuse and betrayal I turned a blind eye to. I catch myself seeing friends and even family as just companionship in the moment and having no real expectations from them. My fear of rejection has run away subsequent relationships because they feel as though I shut them out and become distant. As a coping skill I learn how to shut down and shut out, but now I’m working on trusting myself and loving myself so that hopefully one day I can fully trust and love someone else again in a healthy way. 

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6 hours ago, NitNat said:

I feel for you. I caught my now ex husband cheating on me and was ultimately left for the other woman. Rejection of the one you trusted most changes you. To the point where I no longer trusted myself because of all the abuse and betrayal I turned a blind eye to. I catch myself seeing friends and even family as just companionship in the moment and having no real expectations from them. My fear of rejection has run away subsequent relationships because they feel as though I shut them out and become distant. As a coping skill I learn how to shut down and shut out, but now I’m working on trusting myself and loving myself so that hopefully one day I can fully trust and love someone else again in a healthy way. 

Thank you ! It makes me feel better to know, that there are people out there feeling the same way.Trust is the one and most important piece of a puzzle in my life. And I had the same experience. Once I was betrayed and lied to I caught myself questioning my surrounding people about their worthiness to have my trust.I questioned myself and still do in certain situations. But I know who I am and what I stand for. All I know is that if someone gains my trust - they got all of me. It just got way harder to get there. I am doing the same you do. I shut down and shut out and leave the " door" open just a crack. That way I can slam it shut as soon as I feel it necessary to protect myself.I learned a lot about myself through that journey.

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Sven, youband I sound very similar, so I will pass on a piece of advice I guess you could call it. i was told, don’t focus on what others think of you, focus on being you, dont let others judge you. They dont know you or your story.

 

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1 hour ago, Extremebeginner said:

Sven, youband I sound very similar, so I will pass on a piece of advice I guess you could call it. i was told, don’t focus on what others think of you, focus on being you, dont let others judge you. They dont know you or your story.

 

Thanks ! I do ... I do wonder though what others think but I do not care either. I am me and nobody can change that. I have not done anything wrong that I know of and I would need to know if I did in someone else's eyes . Called courage

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