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ZenoOfElea

How do I Learn to Let go?

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Years ago I was in the deepest, most passionate relationship of my life. I didn't know what love was until I met her. I knew I had depression but felt I was able to manage it on my own, and she was headstrong and confident. What this really meant was that I thought I could handle myself and she could never admit defeat. A few years later and we still take road trips together, go on dates, and spend every waking moment together. I had been with her through her roughest times, I took her in when her mom threw her out of the house, I was sure we would always be together. On one of our normal road trips we went to see a concert she was excited for. I knew nothing about the bands playing, I knew none of the songs, I was shy around people and generally anxious but - worse yet - I was also starting a bad episode of depression without realizing it. We get to the concert and she wants to sing and dance but I don't know the songs, I'm too shy to dance, and my depression was at an all time high. It ruined the concert for her. The entire drive home we sat in silence; she was furious and I was took broken to try and fix it. 

She said we should take a break. 

I made her promise that we would take this time to work on ourselves and then come back together. That we were still in a relationship and we would make things work, and she agreed. I re-enrolled in college to finish my degree, I looked into gyms to start losing weight, I learned to drive, and all manner of other steps to improve myself to be a better me for her. I was so convinced we would be together that I got my brother to send me our departed mothers ring so I could propose to her. I even asked all my married friends how they proposed to get ideas and learn how they did it. A month goes by and she agrees to see me.

and she broke up with me.

Not only that, she had cheated on me as well. With three guys. I had not and to this day still have not been so utterly and completely broken before. I spiraled hard. I got home, lay down, and didn't move for three days. I didn't roll over, I didn't turn my head, I didn't eat or drink. I spent the next several days on forums like this one or crying silently while I looked up suicide hotline numbers. A friend was worried about me and called the police to get me some help and I started seeing a professional and taking Citalopram.

Time went on and I started dating again. I ended up in two relationships between then and now that ran for at least a year each, but the truth is I went off of Citalopram (I start taking it again tomorrow) and I've been spiraling down again. The more I think about it, the more I realize I still have unresolved issues with her. My pain, my anger, my sorrow. Everything we had been through together, the good and bad. That feeling of passionate love. It all just sits in the front of my mind. Even while I was in other relationships it felt like I was cheating on her and I don't know what to do to get past it. I don't know how to let it go and allow it to be history. The last girl I dated asked if I loved her more than I did this incredible love of my life, and I couldn't honestly say yes to her, because I haven't loved anyone or anything as much as I did her, despite what she did to me. 

Is there any advice on what I can do to start letting her go after all these years?

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I wish I had some good advice for you about letting go but sadly I have never been good at that.  In fact, I once mourned a loss similar to the one you have suffered . . . mourned that lost love for 13 years.  Hopefully others here will have really helpful knowledge, experience and wisdom to share.  So sorry for what you have suffered and are still suffering.  It is just heartbreaking!

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Posted (edited)

I had very similar feelings towards someone for years. He had never cheated on me or did anything bad. He just never really gave me a very good reason why we had to end things so I never had closure. We were still hanging out occasionally mostly to hook up but were not exclusive. About a year later he moved away due to his job. I would compare every single guy to him and would pine after him especially when I was single and alone in my thoughts. Years went by without communication. I still wondered about him, looked him up on social media, see he’s with someone, and it would depress me every time. Fast forward to the end of 2020. He text me out of the blue. We started talking again and honestly he changed and I changed. Maybe he didn’t change but I was able to see him in a different light. We had little in common and his goals in life simply didn’t match mine. He still acted like a bachelor and was not ready to settle down. I had put him on such a high pedestal with him being this perfect person. This was how I finally got over him after 6-7 years of obsessing. I hope you won’t need to wait this long to find closure. I know how hard it is!

Edited by pinto77

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Hi,

Honestly I had something similar happen. I was not able to get over my ex despite being with new women.

This can happen from comparing the relationship and also its unfair to whoever you are currently with.

The previous woman betrayed you so you should love who is with you and work on improving those things.

For example, I liked that one of my exs texted me all the time. I mean looking back I did get tired of it sometimes but now my current girlfriend always texts me good morning and good nights and I like it but she also is not clingy like my ex was.

I did not like that she doesent cook so we grocery shop together. And those things were all like fixable things and its best to respect and work with the person your with if they are being faithful to you

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