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OtherKin

Bipolar idealization and devaluation. Totally at peace with God then consumed with resentment, which am I truly?

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I have autism, schizophrenia, bi-polar type II, and likely borderline personality disorder. I am a Christian but I believe neither that the Bible is neither free from error nor the exclusive source of revelation from God. I heavily draw from near-death experiences to form ideas about God's unconditional love, the purpose of life, the existence and reason for suffering, the nature of judgment, and reincarnation.

I daily meditate on love and inner peace, and often times I feel free of any negativity, "scar tissue," or baggage weighing me down, with a sense of contentment from being free of negative energy, free of physical sickness, quietness of mind and thought, and a supporting environment from a loving family. But when I slip into negative thinking patterns (this tends to happen, sometimes daily, strangely after the sun goes down), I become full of resentment and bitterness and free of any positivity to combat the negative beliefs and emotions that threaten to divide me from God and drag my soul to hell. I have thought and said so much blasphemy in my anguish since first experiencing psychosis 9 years ago, but fortunately I have been able to keep those eruptions of hatred at bay except for with my darkest of dark moods. Honestly, it is a miracle that I am not completely overtaken by resentment and bitterness, because there is good in my life with family that I can appreciate. I don't know what my true self is, the peace seems real but so does the negativity that creeps up and consumes my thoughts 

The nature of my anguish revolves around the idea that child abuse, especially to a disabled, vulnerable (and particularly weak child that I was) youth, is a really bad, terrible terrible thing, because it takes egregious evil to do and it is especially damaging to the victim (I have blamed my adulthood life sentence of mental illness and crushed dreams on it). So, how could God allow such a thing to happen to anyone, and why did it happen to me especially, since, to make matters worse, I was and am a highly sensitive individual, and I have always hated hated hated pain and suffering, only to get not minor "scrapes and bruises" of normal life that would have been challenging enough, but large doses of it instead, not being properly initiated in a way that would allow me to mature and grow. Instead, I went from being vibrant outgoing and joyful to being a spiritually-crushed emotional wreck that will forever be stuck at the developmental age of a pre-teen.

I had had such big dreams of being smart/genius enough to be an inventor or discoverer of new knowoedge, doing something like unlocking the genetic code, inventing virtual reality, or understanding and sharing new spiritual truths, but instead here as well I was given a life sentence of average intelligence, where I would be lucky to be able to understand the basics of life while pushing a broom, flipping a burger, running a cash register, or some other menial purpose. Then I wanted so badly to evolve beyond my average limitations, to prove wrong matter over mind with mind over matter, only to suffer psychosis and life-sentence neuro-degenerative mental illness. 

It is as if God took everything I wanted out of life and took it out of my life and allowed for stuff to happen to me to severely stunt my growth. In spite of all this I have been the purest and kindest soul I could be, doing many acts of kindness and love, trying to make the world a better place, but my disappointment over not getting the life I wanted, not "being ahead of the bell curve" (with the hand of cards I was dealt) is a serious problem that I have with God and is dragging me to hell. "If only," I think to myself, "I could have my cake and eat it too like so many gifted people, having a good life and being blessed at the same time. Instead, I get a bad life and I'm ungifted but disabled in other ways. Oh how good of a worker I have been for good, just imagine what all I could have done for humanity if I was gifted. But nooo, I only get one talent instead of the ten I have always wanted. If God would have just made me gifted enough that I could have accomplished my dreams, then He would have had me." I've always had that mindset, but have been denied, denied, denied.

How can a God make someone like me who has always wanted so much but got so little, instead of there being an alignment between deep desire and ability that allows for fulfillment, and expect me to accept Him. Why didn't He make me someone that had no dreams or ideas of justice or being put in a more hospitable environment/world instead, so I wouldn't have had to face such disappointment and injustice. I needed less suffering to grow (instead of being stuck perpetually a pre-teen), and more giftedness to do greatness for humanity. Maybe it isn't God Himself that I wanted after all, but growth, ability, enlightenment, and power to do good. But if I had all of those, I would have had what I wanted from God, I could have made the world a better place with my intelligence and unchecked kindness, and choosing Him would have been easy. But here I sit, drawing funds from society instead of contributing to it, undoubtedly polluting the universe with my negative, bitter vibes and causing with that energy who knows what bad things to happen who knows where, perhaps me being on the way to being one less soul in God's plan/orchestra - and I argue that most of that is the fault of the faultless God because He didn't give me that little thing of giftedness I so desperately have always wanted. The suffering I endured didn't humble me or make me a better person or draw me to depend on God, it just made me angrier and more disappointed that I was average but disabled because of the hand of cards God dealt me.

But God can have me if I can be convinced that He didn't have this happen to me so that I would let fall away my life-long desires of giftedness and greatness to look to Him instead of having giftedness and greatness AND Him. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, and I want my place in His creation to be one of high status instead of averageness. If it is supposed to be average, then I shouldn't have been created with such deep desires for greatness then deeply disappointed by adding the insult of child emotional and physical abuse to the injury of average ability with disability then mental illness.

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Hi OtherKin,

You have a gift for theological and philosophical reflection.  I am so sorry that you have been so heavily burdened in your life.  That is really heartbreaking.  It must be difficult to bear the full of weight of it all and be tormented by profound but existential questions.  I wish I had answers but I am a fellow searcher.  Perhaps others here with more knowledge, experience and insight will have helpful wisdom to share.  So sorry I do not know how to be helpful to you!  I do hope you find peace in your life!

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Hi. I can sense that you are a beautiful soul. There are only a few who has a deep perspective of life. Sometimes, it could be a gift and sometimes a curse. It's hard to fit in in this world we live in now, but just be yourself and do whatever makes you feel good. Our life here is limited, and some of us are lucky enough to figure out the purpose of life.

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Posted (edited)

Epictetus, I still got it ya :)? The schizophrenia side of my mental illness hasn't eaten away that gift after all :); your insight and words of support and encouragement are dear to me and very helpful and wonderful to hear :D! Thank you for reading through my complaining and troubles with life, I feel that my rant is a bit spoiled but hopefully on some level it resonates with others who have faith struggles with soul-crushing angst and disappointments. 

Thank you so much for your intuitive feedback and compliments Caldmood :D! I think that I could be destroying something very precious if I keep unrepentantly harboring bitterness and resentment. I've already tried so hard to do just that out of a spiteful willfulness to have nothing and self-destruct if I had to tolerate average anything (it is completely unrealistic to be one of billions of highly complex, multi-faceted living creations of God and not have at least some things in common with a lot of others, and perhaps likewise to have nothing that is unique), and I regret it, but I'll be sure to cherish and nurture what is left and welcome in new goodness and light even if the consequences involve loss of anything I had going for me. Over the course of my life, especially in my early formative years in elementary school, I've hurt and attacked myself so much over being told or implied by overbearing, strict school staff that I was bad or misbehaving, even hitting/banging my head hard into concrete walls. I remember at the time that I was trying to punish myself/my brain for not working right and not doing what I wanted it to do, even to the point of jeopardising what I already had and my future. Again, regrets, and im still somewhat angry at the teachers for ignoring what I was doing to myself, instead prioritizing the absolute rule of their draconian disciplinary policy and still punishing/disciplining me for (not being able to control) my adhd-like disruptive behavior. They were mean and ice cold like refrigerators and had no empathy, and it really makes me wonder how they could have thought any good of themselves even if they thought they were doing right by dutifully following the school code; how could they have ignored their basic humanity, emotions, and conscience as they shouted, barked, or bitterly rebuked children (and I wonder the same about bullies)? Some of the staff under the same code were truly angels, so I'm sure the many just used the school code to excuse or justify their negative interactions with us. It is a complicated story but the school administration did recognize that I needed a diagnosis, which got me from a local university a then-eclectic diagnosis of the then little known and studied autism.

Given my difficulties and the nature of the one-size-fits-all public education system, I'm over thirty and still haven't really found my way in life. Purpose is exactly what I need to contribute to society in a career-field, knowledge, and/or inventive way and satisfy that yearning, which definitely I need to form a good, clearer picture of. Thankfully, this has bothered me less since in the meantime I think I'm getting the worst out of the way, feeling a better sense eternal security and purpose as I've worked to overcome my philosophical angst-driven rebellion against God and life.

There has been a lot written on the internet and in books about the spiritual dangers of murmuring, bickering, and complaining, anger finally turning into bitterness and resentment, and how it is important to trust completely in God or the universe always doing things for our highest good, lest we trust in something else or nothing at all and become lost. Reading many of those articles, though they be good at warning about the danger, I left with more questions than answers about how to find a reason or the strength to accept or forgive the unacceptable. I found myself gladly choosing hell or destruction over putting up with or trusting in any more heavenly-inspired plans or trials for my life if I couldn't have what I wanted and not get what I wanted not to get.

I want to elaborate more on how I feel that my clear and blissful mood, emotions, and beliefs do against the negative bitterness and resentment-based ones. 

First, it has been a great blessing to have learned to be able to read my body's (including the brain) emotional (EMotion is Energy and Motion) and energetic makeup/state and center/ground myself by "pushing out" / "dissolving" unwanted or negative emotion/feeling/energy. The same can likewise be done with positive or high vibrational energy if one identifies with and gives power to the negative instead, so I do my best to dissolve those old thinking patterns and any (associated) negative energies, opting for a clear or peaceful sense of feeling/being and nurturing any positive vibes and thoughts as they come and go. I am happier to have bi-polar than schizophrenia, because it has been easier to identify the "disease process" and work towards recovery, gaining insight and self knowledge along the way. For me, depression usually happens when I identify with and ruminate on a negative narrative/thought pattern about my life, and mania happens when (usually triggered by something really positive or profound) I am so excited with seemingly good-feeling but turbulent, chaotic, overwhelming emotions mixing with negative warning-sign emotions, much like a craving addiction to, say, sugar, which feels both good and bad at the same time. 

Thankfully as well, psychosis and it's delusions, though negative in themselves, have taught me some invaluable wisdom. Since learning about them I have been fascinated with extrasensory perception and higher consciousness like 5D awareness, but after experiencing at least some of what would go along with being able to see or communicate with spirits, such as having to have pure thoughts when communicating telepathically with spirits and inevitably having a flood of unwanted accidental automatic negative thoughts that I would have to prevent accidentally directing at spirits, I've learned my lesson about things and responsibilities that can go with the territory of being able to do said things which make the grass not so green on that side after all. It is true what they say about being careful what you wish for.

Also, having disability from mental illness has made possible a practically stress-free life, surrounded by a loving support group, wherein I have the opportunity to pursue the knowledge, meditation and transcendental consciousness (not taught in the indoctrinating no self knowledge public education system) I've wanted to alongside religion.

I'm not upset about the suffering of mental illness itself, involving unpleasant and dysphoric emotions and feelings and even physical sickness from sleep deprivation, I'm upset sometimes over how it has cost me spiritually and mentally and how ironic it is to suffer from other's actions and end up with no compensation like eccentric inspiration and genius, but instead losing even more of myself to a physical brain disease of sorts as medical literature notes. But deep down I know that it isn't the things of the world that can hurt my soul or drive a wedge between myself and God or cause true loss, it is only the power that I give the world to do that which is what causes true problems for me. 

I end up getting stuck on the idea that the more time I have been stuck recovering from psychosis, the more my life has been put on hold and the less time I have to master and get really good at something and experience potentially exponential growth in my ability to contribute (I suppose this is essentially an attachment to generating positive karma (and an intolerance or unforgiveness of generating negative karma)), preferably enough to have a legacy. I say to myself so many times that since this is what I've always believed since toddlerhood then this is what I should believe or am entitled to. How did I end up getting that idea I wonder to myself. Probably from willfully and spitefully clinging to childhood dreams I felt were denied to me because of bad experiences growing up and blaming genetics.

Many times I feel that it it takes many lifetimes of spiritual development and evolution to get a body or genetics like Einstein or Ghandi. I thought that I looked to them for inspiration when instead my young and emotionally confused mind was jealous of them. I wanted to have perfect attendance in the spiritual hall of fame for every incarnation. I felt that my overriding desire since toddlerhood to be perfectly good had to have been with me since my first incarnation, and I was determined to have a perfect record with a meteoric rise in life and in spirit. Yet after so long being in and experiencing the torture of trying and poorly fitting the mold of public education as a socially-awkward special needs kid and being diagnosed with an average iq, I came to believe that I came in to this life with lots of bad karma and possibly an average, if that, good karma, and my spirit was utterly crushed. I just practically gave up trying until high-school, believing that people and their abilities don't change because they're mostly hard-coded by unchanging and deterministic dna and physics. I have trouble saying this is my fault as a young child still learning the basics, except as far as I inherited my personality characteristics from possibly having past lives, but I can definitely say that one would be hard pressed to find a school anywhere where the whole individual is considered rather than just one's industrial/career potential - the whole world, primarily it's institutions, seems so corrupt and antithetical to human rights and needs it's scary.

Reading spirituality about heavenly spirits and the character of God piles heaping coals on my head for the blasphemous thoughts and things I've said against The Standard of love and forgiveness. In my times of positivity lucidity, reading these resources on and being in my humbled prayers to God I feel absolutely awful and without a case, and I am left wondering how can I become worth my weight in salt instead of bitter bile and make it up to God or be forgiven. When I am positive I am left wondering what sort of emotional craze and rational-feeling irrationality drove me to be so angry at Him even while knowing at the time that "God is Love." I feel reprehensible. When I am triggered into a negative mood I feel like my loving thoughts for God were/are empty and my true self unrepentantly bitter, so I need to better be able to call upon 

Thank y'all so much for the support 😄, I thought my mind had been thoroughly addled by schizophrenia and my spirit by self-hatred and blasphemy, but y'all rebooted my perspective :D! I feel like my old negative beliefs about myself and life are well weakening and losing their power over me, God Bless! Im open to any further support and discussion here with any/everyone :)!

Edited by OtherKin
Missing word added

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Oof, what happened to the rest of my post at the end of that second-to-last text block? Now I will have to re-formulate and re-type it doh :(.

 

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... my loving beliefs, even if and especially when I am in a negative mood, and combat any reasoning or reasoning schemas distorted by negativity (e.g. cognitive distortions), trying to suck me back into rumination, sadness, depression, anger, resentment, or bitterness.

Mind and energy seem funny like that. We have virtually complete conscious control over the energy and feelings we keep in our bodies, so long as one does not tune it out of awareness.   What energy feelings or emotions one wills or habituates to keep in the body and mind awareness can persist for a long time (potentially even causing psychosomatic illness), but the emotions (i.e. the body's response to the mind) and body feelings hold power over one only if one lets them (or is compelled by a reflex or survival instinct). Our thoughts and beliefs have no more power than being verbal-symbolic information to understand concepts and make verbally thought out decisions with. Thoughts are not reality itself (they are a part/element/flavoring of it) or objective truth itself (though they can be true or false or any combination/degree of with respect to objective reality/fact), they are only information that goes through a very computationally-complex reasoning process, reflected in the activity of billions and billions of transistor-like neurons, to be attended to and/or thought about or ignored, accepted or rejected, etc., with very great freedom of will. So, I should hopefully be pretty free to stop/prevent ruminating on and giving credence/power to anything that influences me to be bitter or resentful towards God.

[continue post previously referenced]

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