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stories

numb to feelings

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i haven't posted on these forums in a long while, probably years. i don't know why i am doing so again. it's just for the past few years i haven't felt anything, just emptiness and numbness. negative emotions i do feel. anxiety and panic still attack me. but i don't go above neutral and any above-average words seem fake or surreal. my mood never changes because there is no mood to change. i don't know what's wrong with me or why it's happened like this. i am not on medication or in therapy. i should probably be in therapy. but i've had enough bad experiences and paid enough money to be skeptical. i'm sure one day i will try again. i don't want to take medication. there must be another way to cope (healthily, versus all of my self destructive habits) with my depression. i was diagnosed with MDD nine years ago but have been struggling for almost fifteen. maybe i have dysthymia/PDD now. but i'm not self diagnosing. there is just nothing in my life. i am indifferent to everything. i am not suicidal. i do not want to die. i don't mind being alive. but there is not much too it. i guess i'm just ranting and venting here. i can say "i have no feelings" so much and to others i probably doesn't seem real. for no reason i can think of my sleep schedule just got worse and went completely upside down, sleeping all day and staying up all night. still, no feelings. i don't know how to overcome this indifference on my own. are my only options medication or therapy? sometimes i just wish i was normal and had a normal life, not this messed up mental illness one.

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Hey Stories,

You've pretty much described my own existence for the last twenty years or more.  I've always called it my "baseline."  There's UP from the baseline (which never happens), there's the baseline where I spend most of my time, and then there's DOWN from that baseline.  Which is where I'm at right now.

Same problem: MDD, anhedonia, I'm on the spectrum (extremely high functioning Asperger's), don't relate well to people, and the only emotions I can feel are all neutral and negative.  Anger, rage, sorrow, disgust, impatience... all the darker stuff that comes from our primitive 'lizard brain,' way down at the brain stem.  The higher centers just don't seem to do much of anything.  Freeloading, I guess. 

I AM both on medication (I can become suicidal without it) and therapy.  It's *tough* to find a GOOD therapist, that's a fact.  Fortunately, I have one now, after a slew of hacks.  Can't say it's doing me much good, though; nothing seems to change how I feel, which is that I'd rather be done than be here.

This damned depression makes things SO hard... i read good books by highly respected people in the field, I get good advice from people in the program with me... and I just can't care enough to even try any of it.  Is it possible to be SO damaged that there's just no coming back from it?  And THEN what?

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I think that's me too damaged to be repaired but somehow that's always been me I guess.  I've been a lost cause my whole life.  I've never related well to people either.  I really dread every single human interaction at this point.

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