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numb to feelings

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i haven't posted on these forums in a long while, probably years. i don't know why i am doing so again. it's just for the past few years i haven't felt anything, just emptiness and numbness. negative emotions i do feel. anxiety and panic still attack me. but i don't go above neutral and any above-average words seem fake or surreal. my mood never changes because there is no mood to change. i don't know what's wrong with me or why it's happened like this. i am not on medication or in therapy. i should probably be in therapy. but i've had enough bad experiences and paid enough money to be skeptical. i'm sure one day i will try again. i don't want to take medication. there must be another way to cope (healthily, versus all of my self destructive habits) with my depression. i was diagnosed with MDD nine years ago but have been struggling for almost fifteen. maybe i have dysthymia/PDD now. but i'm not self diagnosing. there is just nothing in my life. i am indifferent to everything. i am not suicidal. i do not want to die. i don't mind being alive. but there is not much too it. i guess i'm just ranting and venting here. i can say "i have no feelings" so much and to others i probably doesn't seem real. for no reason i can think of my sleep schedule just got worse and went completely upside down, sleeping all day and staying up all night. still, no feelings. i don't know how to overcome this indifference on my own. are my only options medication or therapy? sometimes i just wish i was normal and had a normal life, not this messed up mental illness one.

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