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Daniela

Unforgivable sin, am I committing it?

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Okay so, I think I’m depressed and it all started with how I would tell myself I was dumb, worthless and not good enough for God, I kept falling into sin and I felt like I was worthless.

I know God loves me I try to make that make me feel better but it doesn’t, I want to spend time with my mother but I can’t and it just upsets me and makes me even sadder. I feel like God’s presence is gone, and I ask God and myself of how could I commit this sin when all this is happening to me and that it’s not my fault and how could I be not forgiven and punished for it when no matter how hard I try to make myself feel better I feel like I can’t and that I already caused to much damage to myself. I suffer to much already even before this depression everything was already too hard so why. This is the 3rd time being depressed and I only just turned 13. I feel like I can’t speak and that there’s a block in my throat, I’m not trying to deny God’s love cause I know he does he told me once. And I know Jesus died for my sins, I’m not trying to drive God or the Holy Spirit away from me, I’m trying my very best to be positive but I just feel miserable.

i feel unmotivated to do school work and I’m already so far behind on it, my greatest fear is getting sent to hell cause I already suffer and I don’t want to suffer forever. My mum works almost all the time and when she is home it’s either I just have online school or she chooses to hang out with my father like watch tv and chat with him, my dad also makes me very upset because weeks before my 13th birthday he revealed that he cheated and has 2 other kids younger than me which made me feel super insecure and feel like ofc he thinks I’m ugly cause I bet those kids are beautiful and I’m just the ugliest thing he has ever seen. When everything in my life began to go down hill it was all a week after my bday, I felt weird and couldn’t control my actions or my speech as if I was on automatic and my body already Knew what to do. That time was the longest and hardest time ever I couldn’t go outside cause it overwhelmed me to much  and in all that time my father thought I was joking cause he said only until now I said my brain hurts and he yelled at me just cause I couldn’t swallow a sleeping pill properly and didn’t care about me he thought I was faking it and blamed it on my period just cause it was my first time I got it 3 days prior to everything about that. Says I should fix my nose, mimics me whenever I don’t know the answer to his question, got angry at me just coz I had lunch 2 times, yelled at me cause I don’t take care of the cat even tho my brother does nothing for it, I told him about how he makes me feel unmotivated and uncomfortable around him and he just shouted that it’s my problem I feel like this and that it isn’t his fault. I just hate him he makes me feel unhappy and I just wish he already left the house for his new family that even he bought a house for them and not even we own a house yet, ruined everything for us he doesn’t feel guilty and blames my mum. She is the best mum ever but I just wish we could spend more time together, I want her to divorce my dad but what can I do 🤷🏻‍♀️. Anyways I’m just sick of everything I want to go to God and heaven and be at peace and not go through it all, I want to be strong for God and Jesus but what if I already committed the unforgivable sin and that I’m going to hell anyways 😔... feels good to share everything but I feel uncertain. 

Edited by Daniela
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Dear Daniela,

I am so very sorry that you are suffering.  It is heartbreaking what you are going through.  I don't know much about religion but was always taught that God desires the salvation of every human being and that nothing is impossible for God.  So I have always felt that there is always hope for everyone.  You are clearly beset with so many difficult burdens.  I think you are a very inspiring and heroic person to be carrying such heavy loads.   I hope you will try to remember that the love we owe to others is also something we owe to ourselves, for how can we be loving persons if we hate ourselves?    I wish I knew what to say to help relieve the pain and distress you are experiencing.  Do you think it might be helpful to talk to someone like a counselor in your school or church?  My deepest apologies for not being able to be helpful to you in your pain!  Hopefully others here will have more helpful words for you!

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Daniela,

I'm sorry that are going through this. Your pain and suffering is real, and no-one can deny that. Many people may not understand, especially if that have not experienced what you have, but that is no reason for unkindness.

I'm afraid I've never been a 13-year-old girl (!), and am not very religious, at least not anymore. I was when younger though, so I know enough to know that no sin is unforgivable, if you accept God's grace and forgiveness through Jesus. That is what I remember as being a very kind thing through the Christian faith, out of which I have fallen.

It seems to me though that forgiving yourself is just as important. Learning to love yourself, however difficult that may seem at the moment, is so important. The most important relationship you can have, in my view, is with yourself. But like any relationship, that takes time and commitment. I hope you will see, eventually, that you are worth the effort, and that you can be kind to yourself too.

I wish you all the best, and all happiness and kindness. I'm quite new here myself, but am sure that everyone else here will be thinking similarly.

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