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Steewallgee

Perfected acting & Silent suffering...

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Hi, this post is 12 years overdue... i want to share with you my story for possible advice/help and for you to share your experiences with mirtazapine or any other medication as this is a new world to me.

 

I have suffered with moderate to severe depression since i was 13-ish, I am 25 now. The only happiness I have really had is the temporary joy one gets from say a movie or video game and the weekly routine of binge drinking, other than that its been perfected acting and silent suffering, For years i thought this was normal, when i realised it wasn't I became dependant on the alcohol to elevate these feelings. I have been reading alot into Buddhism and its teachings, not here to rant about that but it has caused me to take a look at myself and potential future and how my actions negatively effect not only myself but the people around me. I was a poisonous person filled with, what i felt at the time, warranted anger at society. Anger does not change a thing, warranted or not and i see that this anger was simply a distraction, a way for me to not blame myself for my own inadequacies.. I had quite a legal scare that can only be described as a wakeup call to really sort out my head and my actions so that i can finally live some sort of life and improve the life of the family around me and try give back positively to the world. I am worried that distancing myself from the close friends i have made may make me sink lower than i have become, can anyone relate?

 

I contacted the doctor and have started a 15mg daily ( well night time ) dose of mirtazapine, this along with my new found love for meditation, sobriety, exercise and actively seeking for work i am ready to face the world and start a new life unlocking my full potential.  What are your experiences with mirtazapine? What were your side effects like? The weight gain is a worry for me and i can't seem to find a clear explanation whether this is due to craving more food or the lowering of the metabolism.

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11 hours ago, Steewallgee said:

Hi, this post is 12 years overdue... i want to share with you my story for possible advice/help and for you to share your experiences with mirtazapine or any other medication as this is a new world to me.

 

I have suffered with moderate to severe depression since i was 13-ish, I am 25 now. The only happiness I have really had is the temporary joy one gets from say a movie or video game and the weekly routine of binge drinking, other than that its been perfected acting and silent suffering, For years i thought this was normal, when i realised it wasn't I became dependant on the alcohol to elevate these feelings. I have been reading alot into Buddhism and its teachings, not here to rant about that but it has caused me to take a look at myself and potential future and how my actions negatively effect not only myself but the people around me. I was a poisonous person filled with, what i felt at the time, warranted anger at society. Anger does not change a thing, warranted or not and i see that this anger was simply a distraction, a way for me to not blame myself for my own inadequacies.. I had quite a legal scare that can only be described as a wakeup call to really sort out my head and my actions so that i can finally live some sort of life and improve the life of the family around me and try give back positively to the world. I am worried that distancing myself from the close friends i have made may make me sink lower than i have become, can anyone relate?

 

I contacted the doctor and have started a 15mg daily ( well night time ) dose of mirtazapine, this along with my new found love for meditation, sobriety, exercise and actively seeking for work i am ready to face the world and start a new life unlocking my full potential.  What are your experiences with mirtazapine? What were your side effects like? The weight gain is a worry for me and i can't seem to find a clear explanation whether this is due to craving more food or the lowering of the metabolism.

Unfortunately, I do not have experience with mirtazapine, but I wanted to thank you for sharing your story and your journey. I'm glad you're in a better place now. I had recently come to terms that I was depressed and sought help. First with therapy and lately with medication (wellbutrin & trazodone).  The interesting thing is that I had associated my depression with the last three years of profound losses and stress.  But, as the fog started to clear and I began to feel better than I had in a long time. I realized that I have been "dealing" with it for several decades.  Thanks a again for sharing and good luck!

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Hello. I am new here as it appears you are. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles, but am glad that you have more recently found a new and more fulfilling way of living.

I was on mirtazapine for around 6 months I think in total before tapering off it. For me - and I'm no medical professional, so this is just my experience - I found that it flattened out my mood, which was good, but that it was overall lower than I was expecting (not a huge amount, but enough for me to notice).

The biggest thing side-effect was the drowsiness - I took it before bed, and it pretty much knocked me out for the night (which is good, as I have problems with sleep too) - screaming kids, storms, being hit/poked by my wife to stop snoring; nothing could wake me. However, it made waking up very difficult, and this drowsiness/subdued feeling would stay with me pretty much all day. Until the next day, when the daily cycle repeated. My wife told me later that it turned me into a zombie. As it turns out, this period of time ended up being the start of the end of my marriage, but that's a different story.

I understand that different drugs do different things to different people, so I am glad to hear it is working for you, and I hope that it will continue doing so for as long as you need it.

All the best.

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That was me the only happiness I had was from binge drinking but it got to a point where I was never sober and I started losing everthing and everyone.  The alcohol can make you feel great but it also can send you into the deepest darkest hole there is.  You're talking about distancing yourself from friends.  If you are a binge drinker like I was soon the only "friend" left will be the alcohol.

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I can relate to that sober4life, Its like we sacrifice the next days attempt of happiness for a hit of it whilst drinking. I had a bit of a relapse yesterday and ended up drinking alot but all thats left to do is try again. Woke up really suicidal this morning, for the first time in weeks. More motivation to stop drinking. Thankyou for your replies and experiences, yeah my experience so far is they are like sleeping pills, hopefully i start to feel some benefit soon.

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That's how I felt every morning when I woke up after drinking.  I was at rock bottom and suicidal.  I would drink for 3 days and then try to quit over and over again.  To our brain when we go on the binges it feels like winning the lottery and then losing it all when it's over.  Of course our brain is depressed.

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Hi @Steewallgee and welcome to the forums. I believe we can contribute to your recoveries from depression and alcohol and hope you'll find ways to contribute to our community. 

Regarding Mirtazapine, by now you'll have discovered there's a forum devoted to it with many stories of first-hand experiences. Instead of tossing another on top of that, I'll leave you with my thoughts on drug side effects. 

Every drug has side effects and experiences with them vary greatly (not everyone reports weigh gain). What's most relevant in my opinion is for you and your doctor determine whether the drug has significant antidepressant effects on your symptoms while being acceptable/tolerable, in terms of side effects. 

You've taken an important step in your fight with depression, I hope you'll give yourself credit for asking for and accepting help; that's never easy. 

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Not sure if its ok to update this like a blog or not or if anyone is reading but just to say this will be my first week sober and i am functioning great on mirtazapine though noticing a craving for carbs that i wouldn't usually get. I am so thankful for this forum and the ability to vent without being judged and would urge any lurkers to post! I'll update my experiences on mirtazapine weekly or as necessary if it will help people worried about starting to take them.

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The carb craving in early sobriety comes pretty hard.  I remember in the beginning I had to have a whole dresser drawer of snacks.  It doesn't stay that way but in the beginning a lot of alcohol is so addictive because it has 2 very addictive things in one carbs and alcohol.  Some of it even used to have caffeine too.  I'm not sure if it still does.

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Keep it coming, it is totally okay and maybe keeping a journal will help. 

It is often hoped that recovery will be a line from start to finish. Recovery is a winding road with ups and downs and writing about it can show how far you've come. 

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I guess i must make this clear, i am not dependant on alcohol beyond emotional dependencies, i have no craving for it. I am a week one day sober and plan this for the foreseeable future. I am doing well with these tablets and the above improvements. I feel the craving for carbs may actually be a result of the tablets but who knows. Drinking lots of coffee and it seems to replace the cravings. I hope everyone is well.

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