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zbrown016

Invalidation

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I'm sorry this is happening to you.  It happens to me too.

A couple of things help me but I don't know whether they would be helpful to you or others.

I think a person's self-worth is intrinsic.  For example, there has never been and never will be a person exactly like you in all of time, history or eternity.  This personal uniqueness is not something you "have" but something you "are."  It is in the realm of being not "having."  That is why it doesn't need to be earned or proven and why it can never be taken from you or lost.  You are unique and this uniqueness is the basis of your inalienable worth and dignity.

People in your life, therefore cannot actually invalidate you although they may try to make you think they can.  As long as you don't believe that they can, they cannot invalidate you no matter what they do or do not do in relation to you.

Your inalienable dignity is not a commodity that goes up and down like the price of stocks and bonds.  Sadly many children were raised to believe that their value as a person was always vulnerable to externals.  This is understandable in a way since parents often instill this in children as a way of controlling them.  From there this can move into the culture of a people.  Many people have the attitude that others should always be "better" than they are, stronger, more courageous, more diligent, more careful, more clever, more wise, more beautiful, more good and so on.  This attitude is called "perfectionism."

Hardly anyone considers what "perfectionism" involves.  No finite being can be all-knowing, all-powerful, all-wise and all-perfect.  Only an Infinite Being can be these things.  But as long as a person is a perfectionist, he or she can "expect" or even perhaps "demand" perfection of others and consider that completely normal.  People sometimes use "perfectionism" to control or try to control others by implying that a person's worth can be downgraded or even lost by falls, errors, weaknesses and imperfections.  But this power others hold actually requires that one "believe" that others have this power.

It is as though many people believe that others hold a remote control over the emotions of others.  Push this button to get this and push that button to get that.  In truth, no one has a remote control like this.  Sometimes people use "perfectionism" to try to make others feel bad.  But with some practice one can choose not to feel bad no matter what buttons another person pushes.  That's because one's worth and dignity are not commodities.  They are intrinsic and inalienable.  if one knows this, it sort of takes the batteries out of the remote control that people use to push your buttons.

Perfectionism as an attitude always tends to equate goodness with perfection.  If one is not perfect than one is not good according to this view.  But that really destroys the fullness and richness of reality.  Of course, any person could be better is some ways.  But perfectionism forgets that people could also be worse and are not worse.

Good and bad form a range of values that include better and worse.  A couple of men in the last 100 years are responsible for the destruction of tens of millions of people through campaigns of genocide.  Most human beings never fall this level of bad behavior.  But sometimes others will try to treat a person as though they have done the worst thing in the world when it fact what they have done is most probably far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from badness like this.

Often people who are feel hurt themselves will lash out at others, overtly or covertly.  One way is by attempting to invalidate someone else.  A person may try to make something another person has done or failed to do equal in scale to causing genocide.  I have seen people berate other people with scorn and contempt as though the other people had lost their very worth. 

I think that as long as a person remembers that their worth and dignity is inalienable, feelings of being invalidated can be reduced.  At least this is what helps me.  Hopefully many others here will offer their ideas and you will find something helpful among them. 

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7 hours ago, zbrown016 said:

If so, how have you handled it?

As if it can possibly be handled

FYI today's society the world all over validate humans by their hierarchy in the workplace, by their career performances. You don't achieve highly in those two areas, you're deemed subnormal & devoid of any value.

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2 hours ago, iWantRope said:

FYI today's society the world all over validate humans by their hierarchy in the workplace, by their career performances. You don't achieve highly in those two areas, you're deemed subnormal & devoid of any value.

Unfortunately, that is true too much of the time.   But, if you want some really good cheap entertainment, you can use this to your advantage sometimes.  Next time an I'm-better-than-you person makes a snide comment meant to put you down, try very calmly (with no expression on your face) agreeing with them.  Then, thank them for their observation and (still totally calm and relaxed) change the subject -- sports, politics, anything will do -- as though you are bored with the subject, but being polite anyway.  It shows them just how little their opinion of you matters.  Note the expression on their face.  Most of the snobs cannot stand that.  

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4 hours ago, sober4life said:

People in real life have treated me like a stray dog from day one.  Nobody has ever really cared about me.

It's sad that this has been your experience in life...


I don't know you but just want you to know that I care about you.

 

I hope you are able to find some comfort here as best you can.

 

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3 hours ago, iWantRope said:

As if it can possibly be handled

FYI today's society the world all over validate humans by their hierarchy in the workplace, by their career performances. You don't achieve highly in those two areas, you're deemed subnormal & devoid of any value.

Anything can be handled, just a matter of how you choose to react to it.

 

From my lack luster job experience I do agree w/ what you've said.

 

You're not treated as human but more a cog in the machine and your value depends on how efficiently you perform and rotate compared to other cogs.

 

That being said, I somehow am in a job where I have a nice boss that respects me and treats me as a human.

 

Idk what your job situation is in life but I'm sure that job is out there for you too.

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