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Feebi

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I am posting this in desperation for my life. I have had a very severe form of anhedonia/depression now for 2 years. It all started after I came off a cocktail of medication being - Vyvance, Klonipin, Pristiq and Chlorpromazine. My brain has almost shut down and I am begging for anyone out there to please respond to this and please be honest. Do I have any hope of ever recovering or responding to a treatment? I tried Provigil and Vyvanse again and they worked for a couple of months until they no longer had an effect. This is what worries me more than anything. I used stimulants for 10 years and never had an issue. As soon as I came off my meds starting with Pristiq then Vyvance then Chlorpromazine then Klonipin the anhedonia got progressively worse until it got so bad that I am non functional. I have barely hung on the past year so I simply cannot wait around for years and years waiting for recovery when its likely it wont happen. I am only 34 years old and I have completely lost everything that ever mattered to me. If this is how it is going to be I do not have any reason to live. 
The treatments Im going to try are in this order: 

Methylation

 Microdosing psilocybin 

TMS

Ketamine

Ibogaine. 

Please someone tell me I have hope??? 

 

 

 

 

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8 hours ago, Feebi said:

I guess noone can answer me. its fairly obvious that I have no hope :,(

I am so sorry to hear you're suffering. Anhedonia is an awful condition. It was the worst of all the terrible symptoms of major depression that I experienced. 

I understand feeling hopelessness and maybe that's a symptom of your illness as well? I don't know. Receiving no reply to a post in just one day is certainly not evidence that you're without hope of recovery, my friend. That's your symptoms talking. 

On 8/15/2020 at 12:31 AM, Feebi said:

I tried Provigil and Vyvanse again and they worked for a couple of months until they no longer had an effect.

What hope remains? You wrote here that your symptoms responded to medication once before. You wrote a list of new treatments you plan to try. You joined this support community. I recognize all of these as signs of hope. If in this moment you cannot see them as such, believe me when I say it's possible to recover from acute depression with anhedonia. Because I have recovered from that. 

I can't tell you what treatment plan will reduce your symptoms. I'm not a doctor or a magician--though I wish I could make that awful emptiness disappear. If you're seeking help here, we can walk through these darkest times with you. But not lead or follow you. We are all equals here and we're holding on to each other. 

I hope reading this has helped a little. Hang in there, my friend. There may come a day when I'll desperately need you to walk with me, and I hope you'll be around for it. 

 

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Posted (edited)

Thankyou Atra. Thankgodness you recovered. I simply dont see many recovery stories.

 I feel like ive been through war. Ive been traumatized, and then had more trauma on top of that trauma plus more all because of this illness. I have NEVER experienced this in my life prior and I had never heard of the word anhedonia before I was diagnosed. Everyday is pure torture. Everything feels foreign and everyone around me is functioning normally. I dont even feel human. All I think about all day long is how I am feeling or should I say what Im not feeling. Its like being on a permanent drug come down. Someone tell me what is worse than this? I really cant think of anything. I am so negative about this because there is barely any support or treatment. You just have to wait around hoping that one day a miracle might happen. There seems to be treatment for basically every illness out there but this ... nothing. Plus you always risk making it worse by adding on more medication. 

I used to be so bright, bubbly, happy and productive. I am now the polar opposite. This is all thanks to big pharma. There was no warning that this could happen to me. Its been going on for 2 years but I still wake up in shock everyday and wonder how on earth im going to make it through the day. Then I am a little relieved when it is time to sleep because sleep is my only escape. 

I know I have been nothing but negative but I do not know how on earth I am meant to stay positive in this situation. 

I LONG FOR MY LIFE BACK!!!! 

I really feel for each and everyone of u who are suffering through this HORRIFIC HELLISH existence 
 

 

Edited by Feebi

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I am so fragile and sensitive I really hope this community can offer me some support because I literally have no support at the moment and Im completely and utterly desperate 

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2 hours ago, Feebi said:

I used to be so bright, bubbly, happy and productive. I am now the polar opposite. This is all thanks to big pharma. There was no warning that this could happen to me. Its been going on for 2 years but I still wake up in shock everyday and wonder how on earth im going to make it through the day. Then I am a little relieved when it is time to sleep because sleep is my only escape. 

I know I have been nothing but negative but I do not know how on earth I am meant to stay positive in this situation. 

I LONG FOR MY LIFE BACK!!!! 

I really feel for each and everyone of u who are suffering through this HORRIFIC HELLISH existence 
 

 

You're to the point where I was.  It's time to leave all treatments behind.  If you are saying they put you in this position why would you trust any treatment ever again.  I sure won't.  They destroyed me like they did with you.  I became very angry and became addicted to getting the life back that I feel was stolen from me.  That's what woke me up and started to make me heal and get a better life again.  Get angry about what has been done to you and fight with everything you have left to get the life you want!

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I really know what you are saying but my case is so severe I dont know how much longer I can hang on. I feel like holding out for a treatment may give me hope that something will give me some sort of feeling back. How many years have you hung on? have you improved?

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I read your posts and see you are at a very low point. I have been suffering from anhedonia for some time now and all I know is that your thoughts and negativity are not you. You can do this and you are not alone.

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Feebi said:

I really know what you are saying but my case is so severe I dont know how much longer I can hang on. I feel like holding out for a treatment may give me hope that something will give me some sort of feeling back. How many years have you hung on? have you improved?

I had to quit all medication and unhealthy vices and get myself more physically healthy than I ever was and maintain that for a couple of years before I started to feel good again.  In your case taking all of those powerful meds you were on felt like winning the lottery every day for your brain.  Brain wise it went from feeling like winning the lottery every day to feeling like you woke up in a trash can like Oscar the Grouch every day when the meds were taken away.  Of course your brain isn't going to be happy going through that.  I had to learn how to enjoy the small things and get high on life as people say.  

Edited by sober4life

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My problem is is that I cant enjoy the small things or get high on life. How is that possible in my state? I honestly dont think you were as severe as I am. Did you constantly have suicidal thoughts like popping up everyday? 

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So this is my question- if the anhedonia was 100% caused by withdrawal from psych meds then if I am clean from all meds and wait it will eventually lift? is that true?!? or is it a question that cannot be answered?

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Is it true?  It worked for me which is all we can do talk about our experiences.  My brain had to be 100 percent straight edge sober and med free and learn how to deal with everything on it's own like it did before all this started.  Was it easy no it was a nightmare.  My brain was used to getting chemicals from an outside source and stopped doing it on it's own for a while.  It had to learn how to do it on it's own again.

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A way back to exactly how and what you were before this illness took it from you? I'm not sure that there is. My belief is you can't be what you were (regardless of whether mental illness is present). Letting go of big handfuls of "past-me" in order to become what I am now, that was a big step forward in my recovery. 

I do believe there is always a way forward and so many of us have gone through torment to find recovery: a version of ourselves we can accept, live with, and sustain (durable recovery is not attained, it is maintained). Unfortunately there's no treasure map to follow and your feet won't fit exactly in someone else's footsteps. The upside to that is your recovery will be owned by you - and that's empowering. You're painfully aware of what powerless feels like. 

You took a chance and posted here--thats an example of empowerment and its praiseworthy. What could be another step forward for you, I wonder?  

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