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Anyone deal with extreme loneliness?

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...and being unable to communicate those things either because no one wants or cares to hear it, or there just is plan no one there to hear it.  I use to get so frustrated at that, that I would shout at the night, but then in turn realized the utter futility of doing that. It was a growing cycle of frustration that I just learned  to bury and ignore like everything else about my life.  Anymore I just get bitter, so I don't think about it.

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On 8/13/2020 at 4:31 AM, Lorax said:

This says more about how I feel then I can explain on my own.... 

 

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.”
 - Carl Jung

I have found the majority of people out there are leeches.  They always demand something from me.  

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In Johann Hari's book 'Lost Connections', he talks about loneliness.

He talks about one way to make more meaningful connections with people. And that is to have something in common with them that builds a strong connection. One way to do this is hobbies.

For example joining a tennis club, a book review club, a chess club etc.

Is there something that you like doing where you can make a meaningful connection with someone?

I'm part of a tennis group and that makes me feel better. One of the guys there I talk to about depression, any problems I have etc.

 

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13 minutes ago, lily22 said:

Not really.  This is a pretty rural area.  I play  my music but that's not a group thing.  Glad things are working out for you.

A video that I really liked on the subject was this... 

 

This is what led me to start reading Johann Hari's book on depression called 'lost connections'. There's a chapter on there about loneliness that might help you.

I got a lot of value from the video I linked so do give that a watch, it might help you. He also has a section on the Joe Rogan podcasts where hes talks about loneliness.

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23 minutes ago, lily22 said:

Not really.  This is a pretty rural area.  I play  my music but that's not a group thing.  Glad things are working out for you.

There is a good youtube vidoe I found useful that you might take benefit from. It's called 'The Loneliness Epidemic' by  Matt D'Vella

It an interview with Johann Hari which led me to start reading his book 'Lost connections'. There's a chapter in the book about loneliness that you might find useful. 

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6 hours ago, FreeSolo said:

In Johann Hari's book 'Lost Connections', he talks about loneliness.

He talks about one way to make more meaningful connections with people. And that is to have something in common with them that builds a strong connection. One way to do this is hobbies.

For example joining a tennis club, a book review club, a chess club etc.

Is there something that you like doing where you can make a meaningful connection with someone?

I'm part of a tennis group and that makes me feel better. One of the guys there I talk to about depression, any problems I have etc.

 

So people don't talk to you ONLY when they want you to do something for them; or to borrow money from you?

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36 minutes ago, iWantRope said:

So people don't talk to you ONLY when they want you to do something for them; or to borrow money from you?

Some people are like that but not all. Not sure how that's related to having a mutual passion/hobbie with someone.

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I don't think they understand me because my voice sounds like the adults on Charlie Brown to them unless they hear words like their name or free money.  Then they listen.

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On 8/8/2020 at 8:51 PM, mmd said:

Yes, me. I dont feel that people dont care about me or devalued, but I really dont have people to talk besides some family, which is just that, family talking. 

I pass days alone, and only talk a bit with some online contacts, but its not a meaningful chat.

Ive been like this since 5 years and maybe a little more.

I finally get used to this. But anyway is not easy.

 

I totally understand because I am not good at all talking on the phone or texting.  I am much better talking face to face but even then my depression causes me to shy away 

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On 8/15/2020 at 1:50 AM, duck said:

I have found the majority of people out there are leeches.  They always demand something from me.  

Yes this is so true.  Why are people like this?  Why do they have an agenda?  I've also found these people to be vampires they just suck the life right out of you.  

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On 8/15/2020 at 10:55 AM, FreeSolo said:

A video that I really liked on the subject was this... 

 

This is what led me to start reading Johann Hari's book on depression called 'lost connections'. There's a chapter on there about loneliness that might help you.

I got a lot of value from the video I linked so do give that a watch, it might help you. He also has a section on the Joe Rogan podcasts where hes talks about loneliness.

 

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So Freesolo, I viewed your video.  It was interesting.  At issue seems to be finding a "tribe", something, someone to connect too.  Not much in my area to help with that.  Hope you're doing ok.

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The world has abandoned me and left me to die.  During the hardest times in life that's what people do.  Every time I find a reason to fiight the world gives me another reason to die.

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I'll die of a broken heart.  It's amazing how little people care.  You're on your own in this world.  If you're on fire the people in the area will just act like they don't see you.

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A former colleague of mine, of who I still keep in touch with now and then, gave it to me straight - he said to me; "You attract what you radiate". I was being a negative person. I complained all the time how everything was crap and nothing would succeed in my life and how I lost hope. 

What I'm saying is, it's simply a bummer to be around negative and depressed people. I didn't notice I was one of those negative persons myself until some time ago. So you start attracting the wrong friends and pushing away the good ones. I know that a good friend shouldn't ever drop you, but we all have a limit.

What you will have left of 'friends' are those leeches. They were never real friends to begin with. Drop them, no matter if they're your last contacts.

I dropped a group of 'friends', because they had serious issues themselves. I noticed I was easily dragged along into their negativity and destructive behavior - even towards eachother. I spent too many years with them and I'm under the impression they fed and kept my negativity up.

Of course I'm a lot more lonely now, so.. time to pick up my old connections again on Facebook, people who I enjoyed hanging around with, but of who I have more or less cut off contact myself, because I thought I wasn't 'good enough' since I suffer from this depression and all.


It's probably a good idea as well for us - that includes me as well - to stop the self pity and take this 'responsibility' these self help gurus keep yapping about. I read in this one book that it's not our fault that we suffer from depression and/or anxiety. But it is our responsibility how we choose to deal with it, how we look at it.. what we make of it in the present time!

Anyway people do give a sh** but you just need to have contact with people who do care about others. And try to build that positive personality, no matter how difficult it is.

In all honesty, I know that I still struggle myself. But I can sum up my main obstacles I must and want to overcome, which are: 1) Setting the bar too high, 2) Wanting quick results 3) Not willing to face failure - all of which are a good setup for failure and hence depression.

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I don't really act negative or depressed in real life.  In real life you probably wouldn't even know there was anything wrong me most of the time.  People just don't ever connect with me.  Whoever I talk to today this will be the last day I talk to them unless I show up again.  It's that simple.

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Reading this topic has really moved and saddened me because I feel that I am on the brink of being almost totally alone except for my girlfriend with whom I have a troubled relationship because I am so difficult and unmanageable. I have fewer and fewer friends by the day and yet less and less desire to go out and make the effort to make new ones (Covid not exactly helping that either). Could someone give me some advice to shake me up and get me to stop voluntarily isolating myself? If I ended up single and alone I would very quickly stop seeing the point of living. I don't want to lose everyone but I just get so bored in so many people's company nowadays.

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I haven't had a friend the whole time I've been here.  It's been at least 5 or 6 years since I've had any friends.  Who knows what the real number is.  I'm just going to sit here and watch tv and talk to myself until I can't figure out how to get out of here anymore.  It's shocking I still have any of my mind left at this point.

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Same here Sober4live.  I've lived with this so long, I've learned how to fake it so I could get by at work.  At the most people remark that I am too quiet. I'm so sick of it all. At least now that I'm retired I don't need to be fake except at church. I keep praying but the loneliness never goes away.

 

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9 hours ago, sober4life said:

I don't really act negative or depressed in real life.  In real life you probably wouldn't even know there was anything wrong me most of the time.  People just don't ever connect with me.  Whoever I talk to today this will be the last day I talk to them unless I show up again.  It's that simple.

Perhaps, unconsciously, you're keeping distance? And do you seek contact yourself? Can't always expect other people to do all it for you.

Anyway I would stop with your current attitude and replace it with more ACTION. There's always something you enjoy that others do too. Join them and make contact.

No offense of course. I'm just saying, whatever it is that you're doing now is obviously not working so change it!

5 hours ago, lily22 said:

Same here Sober4live.  I've lived with this so long, I've learned how to fake it so I could get by at work.  At the most people remark that I am too quiet. I'm so sick of it all. At least now that I'm retired I don't need to be fake except at church. I keep praying but the loneliness never goes away.

 

Sorry but in this real life world, praying doesn't help remove your loneliness much. Go out and meet people! Make contact! Again, action!

I also faked for so long, I got sick of it. They know about my mental state at work. And they can handle it. It's the shame that was in my way. But it appears no one really thinks negative of it. As a matter of fact, it helped me cope at work. Keeping that poker face was a huge energy drain. It's still difficult the more I am feeling bad to expose myself, but the more I do it the easier it gets. And the better I feel.

 

In the past I've written plenty of posts full of self- pity and loathing. I don't understand why I chose to keep acting like that. If you want things to change you got to take action and jump out of that vicious circle.

They tell me my mental state has greatly improved. I didn't really notice it. But when I think of it, they're right. It's just that I chose to keep myself in that corner for an extended period of time, so I could get attention. I think, deep down, I even wanted to be 'helpless', so other people will do the things for you. I guess I could even say I was being lazy. And perhaps even hoping for a long term benefit and live the lazy life. This was of course not the case when my depression came about, but I think uncounsciously I got used to the help, attention, and benefits which I even think made me keep my negativity in place.

I'm not calling anyone a fraud by the way, this is just my personal case. But consider that there are motives that possibly also drive you to keep thinking the way you do. Just be honest with yourself.

Are you guys active in any communities, online/offline?

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