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candy22

Anyone deal with extreme loneliness?

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I deal with a great deal of loneliness. Nobody checks on me but with the exception of my mother or therapist. I have reached out to old friends months ago but nobody has texted or called me since then. I can go months with out anyone contacting me whatsoever. Like nobody truly cares about me. And before you say I should reach out I have but it would be nice if someone contacted me first. I feel like I’m not valued and I feel worthless. I know it’s a pandemic going on but I dealt with a lack of friendship and loneliness for years now. 

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I have friends but I still struggle with loneliness. I feel I cannot communicate my true feelings to my friends.   Many of my friends suffer from anxiety, depression, and ptsd like me but they do not understand me sometimes.  

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I totally understand being lonely, or just not having a lot of interaction on a daily basis, and I hope that you're alright.

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I think that when dealing with the loneliness and those feelings, it's good to just be caring to yourself and remind yourself that you are worthy, and also to try to do as much self-care as possible. I think that loneliness is sometimes underestimated because it's such a difficult emotion that can affect everything.

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18 hours ago, candy22 said:

And before you say I should reach out I have but it would be nice if someone contacted me first.

I definitely understand this.  There are people who, when I contact them, respond that it is so good to hear from me and really seem to mean it; but they are never the one to make the first contact.   It is nice to feel like someone thinks about you enough to make the 'first move'.

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22 minutes ago, jkd_sd said:

I definitely understand this.  There are people who, when I contact them, respond that it is so good to hear from me and really seem to mean it; but they are never the one to make the first contact.   It is nice to feel like someone thinks about you enough to make the 'first move'.

I totally can relate to what you are saying that it would be nice if some people reached out to you instead of you always having to reach out to others

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You know if I did not reach out to other hurting people I would not have anyone to talk to me. People only

seem to need me when they needs help, but it is ok.  I like having their company and I like helping others.

They are not taking advantage of me because I love to help if I can.  I chose to take the road less travel.

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3 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

I definitely understand this.  There are people who, when I contact them, respond that it is so good to hear from me and really seem to mean it; but they are never the one to make the first contact.   It is nice to feel like someone thinks about you enough to make the 'first move'.

I can't count how many times I've heard I was just going to call you!

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8 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I can't count how many times I've heard I was just going to call you!

Oh!  How did I forget about that one?  I used to wish I waited a little longer to give them a chance to call.  Of course, I finally realized it made no difference -- they would never have called.  

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Posted (edited)
25 minutes ago, jkd_sd said:

Oh!  How did I forget about that one?  I used to wish I waited a little longer to give them a chance to call.  Of course, I finally realized it made no difference -- they would never have called.  

I call people or visit them just to see how they're doing.  Nobody else does this at all.  In fact they will expect me to be the one who calls or visits every time and they will make me feel guilty for not doing it more often.

Edited by sober4life

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Yes, me. I dont feel that people dont care about me or devalued, but I really dont have people to talk besides some family, which is just that, family talking. 

I pass days alone, and only talk a bit with some online contacts, but its not a meaningful chat.

Ive been like this since 5 years and maybe a little more.

I finally get used to this. But anyway is not easy.

 

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6 hours ago, Floor2017 said:

You know if I did not reach out to other hurting people I would not have anyone to talk to me. People only

seem to need me when they needs help, 

THIS.You've pretty much described humanity in a nutshell. People pretty much ONLY contact you when: (1) they want you to do something for them; or (2) borrow money from you..

Oh there's a (3): if in situation (1) you aren't doing it promptly enough, every 5-10 minutes they'll reach out to you again "HELLOOOOO ANY UPDATES????"

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On 8/7/2020 at 8:51 PM, candy22 said:

I deal with a great deal of loneliness. Nobody checks on me but with the exception of my mother or therapist. I have reached out to old friends months ago but nobody has texted or called me since then. I can go months with out anyone contacting me whatsoever. Like nobody truly cares about me. And before you say I should reach out I have but it would be nice if someone contacted me first. I feel like I’m not valued and I feel worthless. I know it’s a pandemic going on but I dealt with a lack of friendship and loneliness for years now. 

I definitely understand what you are going through.....all of my friends don't check up on me. Only my father and a couple of cousins along with some people I work with actually seem to give a damn.  

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Some people never return my calls.  I just call and leave a message letting them know I am thinking about them.  

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8 hours ago, iWantRope said:

THIS.You've pretty much described humanity in a nutshell. People pretty much ONLY contact you when: (1) they want you to do something for them; or (2) borrow money from you..

Oh there's a (3): if in situation (1) you aren't doing it promptly enough, every 5-10 minutes they'll reach out to you again "HELLOOOOO ANY UPDATES????"

It takes a while to figure all of this out though because we're lied to our whole lives.  We're told things are better than they are and we're told people are better than they are to keep us going.  If you thought this was awful you'll never believe how terrible this is truly sums up life.  Every single day we wake up an animal in the jungle and we're completely alone and left to fend for ourselves.  How and why do I really continue knowing there is no hope whatsoever though?

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Posted (edited)

I used to have someone that called and we did things together BUT he found someone else better to hang with $$$. I would stop talking to him completely but he keeps calling trying to play his part. He literally puts forth no effort to be around so I don't give a dam anymore about family. When his current buddies aren't around anymore I will be his favorite once again.

Edited by watalife

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That's the truth. I've had no one since 1975. So sick of being alone I can't stand it. I've tried all the 'cutsy' things people come up with to try, but that ran out long ago. I so long for the touch of another human being so I know I actually still exist in this world. I come so close to giving up so often. How long can a person be alone and have no one and not go  nuts from lack of human companionship? This life really holds nothing anymore.  There is no joy or meaning when you are constantly alone.  Human companionship makes life have some value, but without it, there is none. 

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Makes me wonder what the point is.  I can't but think the fault lays with me.  I still try now and then but anymore it's just too frustrating and I end up crying and too down to care.  I know I'm shy but aren't a lot of people?  What I wouldn't give just to have someone hold me for a minute, to feel human touch. Hope the rest of you lonely people take care.

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I grew up with a socially active mother, and a withdrawn father. I later learned that my mom does it because she's terrified of being lonely, and my dad has such poor self esteem that he avoids making conversation with others. Goes without saying, neither of these are healthy approaches. However, because they were my childhood influences, naturally I've taken on both these characteristics—feeling lonely when I'm alone, and being nervous around others. I hate it but I don't know how to be different—how to be socially healthy. I think this is part of the reason I have very few friends. 

OP I feel you and everything you said about worthiness and connectivity. We are social creatures so when we feel our web of connections is just a few, we think 'what is wrong with me?'. Sometimes I find if I do this I examine what others might be going through—I have a friend with two young children, so of course she will be busy and connected more with other parents; I have two close friends (a couple) who are going through the aftermath of losing a child; my sister (whom I consider a good friend) has never been one to initiate conversation so I can't count on her to check in with me; and my ex-partner, who checks in on me (and visa versa) but our relationship is complicated because we recently separated after 10 years, and he is working through his own stuff. 

I have tried various ways of expanding my social circle like joining things in my community, trying a new hobby, and signing up for adult learning courses on subjects I'm interested in. I find it's a hit and miss with finding friends here. Doesn't help that I'm shy and avoid breaking the ice. Sometimes I can make myself invisible just so I don't have to talk to anyone, and nobody has ever really forced me to break that behaviour. I've learned there's plenty of people out there who will take up the space if you're not using it. I've only recently, through therapy, learned that taking up space doesn't have to be a bad thing either, like some kind of arrogance. It can be used to ask questions, to express gratitude, or to speak out in support of others. Sadly, being recognized for these things bothers me. I feel inauthentic and I don't want to be seen (my dad's influence and what I'm working through in therapy). Therefore, perpetuating the state of being lonely, an endless cycle in my case. 

One thing that I have found has helped me not think about being alone, at least while I'm doing it, is cycling long distance. When I'm out I try to be as close to nature as possible, so I try to find trails that are near trees or the water. Being around nature is therapeutic for me and I find I don't think about being alone as much when I'm out there. Good luck on your journey OP. 

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I'm finally back to work after the mandatory shutdowns so I am around people, and I am fine with that. But to be honest it's not much different than when I am isolated from everyone. None of it is real. I may socialize and joke around but then I'm off to my reality of being completely alone. 

I'm in one of my downswings where the loneliness is weighing so heavily on me. I miss that connection with one person. Someone who knows what you are going through and actually cares how you are feeling. Someone who can make things a little brighter just by sitting next to you, not having to say a word. It comes so easily for most people. I would give anything to have that again. 

Even here, where I have never felt like I have been judged or looked down upon, I feel so weak and pathetic for putting this out there. I haven't even been here for months because I haven't felt any kind of connection. This thread did hit close to home though. 

I'm sorry for those who are going through the same things. Nobody should have to live alone. 

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Truth. Being alone is bad, but I sometimes think being alone even when you are with other people is worse 'cause is seems to show how little they really care. It's all fake and means nothing. You may as well be a shadow. 

 

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Posted (edited)
On 8/12/2020 at 7:58 AM, Lorax said:

Even here, where I have never felt like I have been judged or looked down upon, I feel so weak and pathetic for putting this out there.

I understand. I think I would feel the same. There's a lot of shame around loneliness sometimes. An extra layer of bad feeling....But since you have put it out there you've given me courage to do the same... 

I am very lonely sometimes. I agree with what others have said that life can feel very close to pointless with no one else in it. Or, more to the point, without someone to feel close to.

I have people in my life (family members) who offer me some form of companionship but more often than not they offer me some sort of emotional pain to go with it because my family members are very dysfunctional....

A lot of the time I stick to myself by choice because the loneliness can feel better than the humiliation and depression that comes with being around them. 

However, sometimes, it gets too much and I do spend time with them. It seems that any kind of contact can be better than none and being without family completely can feel unbearable. I don't stick around for the abuse though. When it starts, I leave. I take care to avoid situations where I will be stuck with them and I have strategies to keep my heart and mind safe around them 🤗

Edited by Nightjar

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This says more about how I feel then I can explain on my own.... 

 

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.”
 - Carl Jung

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