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xoearlle

Am I depress? I'm kinda lost.

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Hi, i'm new here. In fact, i've only skimmed through this website and read on some of the forums.

Anyway as the title say, I'm kinda lost & confused. As of right now, I'm not diagnosed nor do i know if i have any mental issues, but lately i've been bothered by my own emotions. That's why i thought maybe i'd found answers/clue/help here.

I'm in college right now and i would say the campus i'm in is among the top ones in the country i live in, hence it's hard to get in. But once you're in, it's also just as hard to survive. It's a very competitive and tight learning environment. To some extent more than a few students had semester leave due to depression, and i've heard some cases of depression going on my campus since i enrolled. it's just tough.

As for me, i would say i'm just average, not a 4.0 student but i can still manage. Now the problem is; i start to feel hopeless at times especially since last semester. As the semester went further, the classes get harder and I'm not satisfied with myself. I keep telling myself to just study harder, but however hard i try, i always feel like i couldn't be as great as some of my peers. they seem to be out of my reach. Months ago i get my result out and i cried myself hard, i feel really hopeless to the point i wanted to vanish and not existing at all. i really bawled out that night. And remembering that moment frighten me because i've never been like that before (and hopefully i won't be like that again. also i'm not suicidal, that i'm sure). Was that crying just emotional relief?

I mean feeling blue or stressed is normal, but now my emotions/thoughts are bothering me. Like i'm constantly scolding myself internally. I keep thinking of "i'm not happy with myself" or "why am i like this?" or "why am i so stupid?" or "you're such a failure". For almost 2 weeks now, It's hard for me to study like i usually do, I would say i'm a lazy-ass but now it's so hard to start and focus my mind on studying. I just feel resistant toward the idea of doing it, but when i don't do it, my mind won't shut up on scolding myself. I start to develop terrible mindset like "whats the point of doing this? whatever i do won't change the fact that i'm not enough or will ever be as good as them. I just couldn't excel this". At the end i'm just not feeling happy and kinda lost in thoughts about what have i done/become. These thoughts have reached the point where it bothers me and i couldn't just simply change or get rid of this toughts. I keep asking myself: am i just unmotivated? am i just lazy? maybe i'm just dumb? whats wrong with me?

I honestly feel really overwhelmed, but i couldn't cry. I don't know why, i feel heavy and sad, but not a shred of tears would come out. I try to trigger it by watching/listening to sad movies and song but i won't cry even though honestly i'm so exhausted with my emotions.

Am i showing some kind of mild depression symptoms? If yes, should i seek for professional help? Thank you so much!

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Hey xoearlle,

I would say if you're not feeling 100% for w/e the reason is, it certainly may be beneficial to look into some kind of treatment, whether it be therapy, medicine or simply talking to someone who will listen. 

Wouldn't leave it unchecked like I have and let it linger.

Looking into medicine therapy myself so good luck to us both 👍

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Hi and welcome to the Forums,

It is nice to meet you.  Your post resonates with me since I was in a very similar situation.  I don't know if this applies to you at all since I cannot claim to know you based on reading your post, but it is common in depression for a person to get "stuck" in an attitude of "could be better but isn't better."  In depressogenic thinking one cannot move between this attitude and an attitude of "could be worse, but isn't worse."

I attended an Ivy League college that was extremely competitive and I was sort of a perfectionist.  And I found myself worked up into very negative feelings, thoughts and moods.  I felt somewhat inferior to other students and out of my depth.   Through some campus therapy I was able to learn to transcend the "could be better, but isn't better" outlook and balance it with the "could be worse but isn't worse" point of view.  This was somewhat "unnatural' for me as I was raised to be a perfectionist.  My depressogenic thinking eventually led me into a full blown depression for which I required medical treatment.

Perhaps my experience is totally unrelated to yours.  Hopefully  you will meet many people here who will share what has helped them in situations similar to your own.  I will be looking forward to reading your posts here on the Forums.  My apologies if my response has not been helpful or made you feel worse.  Sometimes it takes a great deal or patient and heroism to have patience with ourselves when we are feeling badly.  So I think you are a very heroic person.

PS:  At one point in my college experience I had little post-its place all around my house that read:  "could be worse, but isn't worse."  I had these in every room and even in my car.  This helped me quite a bit although I am not sure it either applies to you or would be helpful.  I do hope you find things will be helpful for you!

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Nice to meet you xoearlle,

Let me start by saying I'm very sorry you're feeling this way. I can't say if what you're experiencing is depression or not, but at least for me the emotions you describe are very relatable and remind me of the early stages of my own depression. Having this internal voice constantly criticizing everything you do, think, and feel can be absolutely exhausting, and an inability to let go and cry (at least for me) was a sign of my depression ramping up. So I would agree with Zbrown that it's a good idea to reach out and look for help. Talking to your doctor is usually a good and relatively manageable first step. They can help you figure out what you're experiencing, what you need, and possibly recommend a therapist or treatment that could help you.

Finally, let me say I am very glad you reached out here. Talking about what you're going through can be scary at first but it does help, and it can trigger positive change. If you're comfortable with it, let us know how things progress. We're all rooting for you, and we'll be here if you need a talk.

Wishing you peace, and lots of luck,

Annabelle

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Posted (edited)

I dont see depression, I see stress. Depression is when you are low all the time, and you cant get out easily. Etc.

But, this doesnt mean you are ok.

I see how hard you are struggling, I know this is common in students, Ive heard lot of stories like you describe, you are not alone on this, at all.

Its crazy how society demands can push us to the point life seems have meaning in things arent esencial to life.

Try to do your best. Try to find the way to find your potential in your studies. But remember how hard it is, and that its not not going to be easy.

But you cant put all the meaning of your life on this. Try to find ways to cope and be ready if plans dont result as you expected.

Goos luck.

Edited by mmd

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Posted (edited)

I see a lot of similarities in my journey. I never "felt depressed", but my depression still manifested itself as, insomnia, inability to focus, easily irritated, and I had a VERY "negative filter" on internal thoughts and external comments. ANY question from people felt like a critique or judgment.  I also finally came to terms that I was passively suicidal - overly obsessed with mortality of people around me, and would have been "okay" if something were to happen to me and end my life. I'm shocked, now, how far I was just getting by and just trying to live with it. 

So, whether you are diagnosed as depressed or not, you already know that something is off. Thanks for having the bravery to share your story with us. I would strongly suggest you seek out a therapist (I would assume there are campus resources).  You need to do nothing else other than share what you just shared with us. Good luck in this journey!  Be well. 

Edited by Troydg
Typos

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