Jump to content
demanze

22M down a bottomless pit

Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

Hi, I'm 22 male, I have a severe depression, with some suicidal thoughts, spanning over the last 8 months. 

I'm in the last year of my CS Master degree (5 years of study). I spent my whole life playing videogames and doing computer programming, and those still technically are my main passions, though I no longer enjoy doing anything now.

I think one common part of my depression is my virginity/inceldom. I never had any intimate contact with a woman, even though I am heterosexual and I have been romantically and sexually attracted to women my entire life (starting around age 7). I started masturbating daily starting at age 15 and never really stopped for more than 3 days in a row.

Some other thing I regularily think about is my lack of independence. Because I study, I live with my parents and they do everything for me. They work, buy food, they cook, even wash my clothes. Even after taking a shower, I don't wash my towels, I just drop them on the floor. If I need to go somewhere they need to drive me because I haven't learned that yet either. They are willing because of the hard studies and they care about me. They are smart and kind. I feel like if they disappeared I would not survive in this civilisation for one day. I feel because of the way I grew up, I cannot function alone by myself at all. I feel intense psychological pain handling more than one task in one day. I am pretty certain that I have autism, including Asperger syndrome. I did some progress over the years and maybe I can talk about this in detail later. 

My main hobby for past 5 years is computer programming. I invested enormous amount of my free time in some big projects. I made videogame prototypes (a game similar to Minecraft), compilers and even a programming language of my own. I was very happy about some things I made but now I view them as "useless". Since I lie in a pit, I cannot finish any of my work or try to sell it. Even though I do have some long term ambitions if I recover. Like many kids I was dreaming of making some money independently, doing my own thing, escaping the pain of forced labor. So far my efforts are wasted because I am too scared of myself and I do not have the strength to continue. 

Everything started breaking down after some bad rejections by several women in a row. I think I got rejected about 20 times in my life. Basically, the scenario is always the same. I find some woman that I find attractive. I approach her, show her a good personality, show her I'm interested, show her that I have some potential in work/love, and then wait for some reciprocity. Then she picks another guy and they live happily ever after (in reality they breakup after 3 years, but that's not my problem). I feel like if I had been given a chance at some point, it would have avoided most of issues related to confidence and restricted interest. I would have been able to invest my energy in someone and develop a sense of purpose around that. 

Today, I keep spiraling between rage mode, crying and convulsing in my bed. Months ago, I thought I was so obsessed with sex that I decided to pay for hookers. With the first hooker, she was very hot but I couldn't get a hard on. I realised my penis had a serious phimosis problem during erection (not being able to pull back the skin more than half). I always knew I had this, and it doesn't prevent masturbation at all, but it makes me too stressed to do anything with a woman's body. I have a rather long erect penis (18 cm / 7 inch) which is supposed to be nice but also makes the problem worse.
I checked with the second hooker. Impossible to maintain an erection. At least I spent some time hugging and kissing but I was too sad to feel anything good. Then I never tried again. I realised what I wanted the most wasn't even sex, just the hugs and attention, which the hookers had no time for.

A week ago, I got a circumcision to fix the phimosis problem once for all. It was done perfectly by a skilled surgeon, but 10 minutes after surgery I developed an hematoma because of some internal bleeding. It turned my penis black/purple/red/yellow and doubled its diameter. The doctors are watching my hematoma carefully and saying I'm recovering, but as I'm writing this, I have to wait 3 weeks for my penis to become normal again. I am going insane, because for the first time in 7 years, I cannot masturbate.

At the same time, I'm doing a 6 months internship to finish to my Master degree. I don't receive a salary, but a small gratification which is the legal minimum here in France for an intern (500 euros/month). I don't care about the pay because I live with my parents. The internship is almost finished, and I have been completely unproductive. I don't know what I going to write 50 pages about, for my degree. The boss looks a bit angry/disappointed because he paid 3000 euros and didn't get all the crazy cheap programming that he dreamed of. But I don't even care. I didn't want to be a cheap slave anyway. Just like at home, I am now completely unable to function at work. I just pretend that I do something, and then go back home.

I am scared about the future because I don't know what I'm going to become. Can a man live/function without ever experiencing love? I don't see that it is actually physically possible for me to work my way out of this. Even if my problems are fixed, I feel scarred for life. I'm afraid that even if I start a relationship with some woman, the anxiety and everything I have lived will not go away. I talked about some of my problems with my dad but he doesn't relate to everything because he never got a depression. He just tells me to be strong and keep moving forward. But I feel that I lack the energy to do that. At least my parents understand the pain and take care of me. 

Around people I'm perfectly capable of smiling and pretending everything is OK. But I'm dead inside.

Recently the distress is increasing. I've had some suicidal thoughts, but I don't think I'm allowed to discuss any methods here. I always want to keep on living because I feel I have some stuff to live for/experience, and it would be a ridiculous end to a vast amount of work, but some days I feel hopeless and I feel like it would save me some trouble to just end it here.  

Thoughts? 

Edited by demanze

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

I am so sorry for what you are going through!  You are very articulate and seem quite intelligent.  As you have already discovered, intelligence itself is not a solution to depression.  One of your best advantages seems to be that your parents love, care for, and support you.  Congratulations on that.  Some people struggle with depression without any family support, and that makes everything even more difficult.

 I am not qualified to to give you any direct advice, but I will make one suggestion.  Considering the probable combination of depression, autism spectrum, Asperger syndrome, adjustment to adulthood, and specific life events; resolving the issues you are facing could be complicated.  My suggestion is to find a counselor, therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist who can work with you individually -- especially one who is experienced with the depression/autism combination.  I strongly suspect that, to be successful, the approach you take to these issues will need to be balanced specifically for you and your circumstances.  I am sorry I do not have a more immediately helpful suggestion, but I do wish the very best for you.  Good luck!

Also, please remember to include the influence the Covid-19 virus and societal results have on your situation.

[On a different subject, did you really write/create your own compiler??  From scratch, including parsing functionality?  Wow!]

Edited by jkd_sd

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)
On 7/29/2020 at 7:48 PM, jkd_sd said:

[On a different subject, did you really write/create your own compiler??  From scratch, including parsing functionality?  Wow!]

[Yes, actually I did even more than that, because I'm specialized in graphics rendering, I made a code editor and IDE. In current state, the language is better than C, but less good than C++. But right now I can't develop anything I'm stuck in my bed crying all day long and my parents asking why I don't want to eat.] 
 

On 7/29/2020 at 7:48 PM, jkd_sd said:

 I am not qualified to to give you any direct advice, but I will make one suggestion.  Considering the probable combination of depression, autism spectrum, Asperger syndrome, adjustment to adulthood, and specific life events; resolving the issues you are facing could be complicated.  My suggestion is to find a counselor, therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist who can work with you individually -- especially one who is experienced with the depression/autism combination.  I strongly suspect that, to be successful, the approach you take to these issues will need to be balanced specifically for you and your circumstances.  I am sorry I do not have a more immediately helpful suggestion, but I do wish the very best for you.  Good luck!

At this point I'm not sure what therapy can do for me. They will try to put me on medications to chill me but they won't do anything to help me get out of my prison.

Due to the hematoma I haven't ejaculated in one week and a half. I tried to masturbate but it didn't work because the penis is still inflated. I need two more weeks to heal from that. Are there really priests who stay virgins and never masturbate? The way I feel it, it's a worse feeling than not sleeping for 3 days, and then having to go to work. I'm going insane. There's simply nothing I can do about it.

Edited by demanze

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, demanze said:

 

At this point I'm not sure what therapy can do for me. They will try to put me on medications to chill me but they won't do anything to help me get out of my prison.


The way I feel it, it's a worse feeling than not sleeping for 3 days, and then having to go to work. I'm going insane. There's simply nothing I can do about it.

Hi demanze,

 

I read your story, and I'm sorry to say it sounds painfully difficult. To help, I would like to point out that even if you don't want to work with a therapist, it is a good start. They might even be able to give you something that temporarily suppresses your libido, thus somewhat soothing your overall "prison" time. Would that be worth trying? The reason I suggest it is because with so much going on for you, it's important to take small steps. Don't try to "figure it out" all at once. Just focus on one thing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi. Sorry to hear about your suffering. I have lived with depression for a long time, I know how empty and awful living with it can feel.

I wonder if one reason you're feeling stuck is that you believe that recovery from depression is something you do by yourself?

On 8/1/2020 at 1:28 AM, demanze said:

At this point I'm not sure what therapy can do for me. They will try to put me on medications to chill me

Maybe they, will maybe not I don't know. Maybe medication is a better problem than laying in your bed in agony due to severe depression, again I don't know. I know you don't have to fight depression without any help.

On 8/1/2020 at 1:28 AM, demanze said:

they won't do anything to help me get out of my prison.

I can't predict your future but neither can your depression (and depression speaks with a loud and convincing voice, I know this).

I never got out of my depression prison until I was able to ask for help and then accept the help that was offered me. That was not an easy thing to do.

I have some years of recovery from major depression, that did not happen because someone fixed me. I worked at it with help from therapy, drugs, and communities like this one. You may do it differently. Each of us is on their own journey and no one is following exactly the same path to recovey. 

I thought the bars of my depression prison surrounded me, they did not. It seemed like they surrounded me because I always tried to go through them. Until I learned that I could go around them.

Wishing you some relief from the pain and emptiness. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)
14 hours ago, Tymothi said:

They might even be able to give you something that temporarily suppresses your libido, thus somewhat soothing your overall "prison" time. Would that be worth trying?

I think that's the most scary type of medication. I would be afraid of doing anything to my libido, even temporarily.

Today I made some important progress. I bought some sex toys (fleshlights). The first fleshlight I ordered maybe wasn't a good choice, the opening was designed tight on purpose, but I was offered a bottle of lube and finally got in. After 20 minutes of learning how to use that thing, finally I ejaculated inside and got some meaningful relief. The hemotoma is still there but it is deflating and the color is normal again. I ordered a bigger fleshlight, a sleeve warmer, and even a lifesize sex doll. I'm getting quite confident that I can defeat the anhedonia part of my depression. I'm supposed to be a healthy young guy after all.

 

6 hours ago, Atra said:

I wonder if one reason you're feeling stuck is that you believe that recovery from depression is something you do by yourself?


Yes, good analysis. Sometimes I'm quite obsessed with doing things myself and refusing help. I feel like, after all my parents did for me, I have to succeed on my own at least for the new things. One day, my parents will be sick or dead, and I will have to work as hard as I can, and do everything on my own. Or with whatever random team/family/clan I will be part of, and I won't want to be a disadvantage to them. If I become some sort of medication addict, how am I gonna do or decide anything?

I understand that sometimes things get so wrong that there's nothing you can do about it yourself (because that's what I lived in multiples areas so far). But I feel my problems are somehow natural and overtime I can get some opportunity to salvage my ass.

There's a story I forgot to tell. Few weeks before my circumcision I got into hospital because the phimosis was causing some problems. I felt so bad because the skin was too tight. They wanted to make me wait and not consider it an emergency so I got sad and very angry in the waiting room and started convulsing and I took a chair from the examination room and threw it against the armoured glass multiple times while the nurses on the other side were panicked and running away. After I was calmed down, they put on a bed and put me a urinary catheter in emergency because they thought it was paraphimosis. They definitely looked at my phimosis but also they got suspicious about my mental health and sent me a range of psychologists that started talking to me next to my bed. I stayed there an entire day. There, they asked me everything about my life, shortcomings, family, syndromes, suicidal thoughts, etc... And that's how I started opening up because they had the right questions. They advised me to get long term therapy, but it didn't look so interesting to me. They gave me some pills (quetapine) to help me sleep better even though I didn't have so much trouble sleeping. After few days I got bored of the pills because I was only getting the side effects. The psychologists were very nice, and and it was nice to talk to someone, but it didn't really solve anything. Maybe I'm wrong or rude to say that, but I feel like they couldn't relate to my problems because they were all female.

Edited by demanze

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...