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Life isn’t worth living ad nauseam


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I am sick of myself. I am sick of life, this pointless plodding onwards(what, onwards? Nope, more like plodding  nowhere fast).

I don’t live. I don’t even exist. There isn’t a word that covers this emptiness that is me, whatever “me” means.

I don’t want to be me. I don’t want life. I don’t like life. I don’t like people. By the year 2100 there will be something like 11 BILLION people on this sad, exploited and ruined planet, 11 billion people making more crap choices, voting for the armies of trumps and Putin’s waiting in the wings of this travesty we call the human species. I want no part in it anymore. I don’t think humanity had a future to begin with. I think we were doomed since we began to cultivate(read:exploit and rape) the environment 10000 odd years ago.
 

I have had enough.

 

Oh, I have said all of this before haven’t I. So what I wrote in one of my blogs applies. 
 

I really don’t have anything to say anymore other than the same old crap. Because really there is nothing else to say, is there. 
 

 

Edited by samadhiSheol
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Welcome back.

I've been wondering about you.

Every Depression Forum needs a resident misanthrope so I nominate you to this illustrious position.

Congratulations and keep up the crappy work.

Oscar (not the Grouch)

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Welcome back.  It is good to see you posting again.  

IMHO, one of the most 'boring' things about depression is that our emotions (or perspective) settle into a specific low slump and stay there.  It does not take long to get to the 'said it all before' stage.  Not that this observation matters in any way, just a comment.

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I don't believe in depression as an illness. I dare say most if not everyone with so-called depression is actually suffering from a life out of alignment with either our environment or ourselves, or both. The symptoms are serious enough though. And that is what depression really is: a symptom.

Saying that "it's depression talking, not the "true you"" is both patronizing and also undermines our thoughts, feelings and perceptions, as if there was a correct way to view life. Most forms of therapy and the" cure-all" panacea of effing mindfulness are just glorified coping mechanisms and in most cases do not endorse true change. With change I mean also the changing the world. As long as we are just addressing "a sick brain", we are completely missing the point, in my humble opinion. The world as it is is dysfunctional and the way things are going now I see no change.

The world is making us sick, not our effing brains.

2 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

Welcome back.  It is good to see you posting again.  

IMHO, one of the most 'boring' things about depression is that our emotions (or perspective) settle into a specific low slump and stay there.  It does not take long to get to the 'said it all before' stage.  Not that this observation matters in any way, just a comment.

And I HAVE said it all before. All I do is repeat myself because there is nothing else to say.

 

 

Edited by samadhiSheol
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Another thing I will repeat and hopefully for the last time. I will end my life. There is no point in this existence. I hate it and there is no point. There is no version of this world I am prepared to live in, no version of myself I am prepared to live as. The sooner I am gone the better. 

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23 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

I am sick of myself. I am sick of life, this pointless plodding onwards(what, onwards? Nope, more like plodding  nowhere fast).

I don’t live. I don’t even exist. There isn’t a word that covers this emptiness that is me, whatever “me” means.

I don’t want to be me. I don’t want life. I don’t like life. I don’t like people. By the year 2100 there will be something like 11 BILLION people on this sad, exploited and ruined planet, 11 billion people making more crap choices, voting for the armies of trumps and Putin’s waiting in the wings of this travesty we call the human species. I want no part in it anymore. I don’t think humanity had a future to begin with. I think we were doomed since we began to cultivate(read:exploit and rape) the environment 10000 odd years ago.
 

I have had enough.

 

Oh, I have said all of this before haven’t I. So what I wrote in one of my blogs applies. 
 

I really don’t have anything to say anymore other than the same old crap. Because really there is nothing else to say, is there. 
 

 

I think we are lucky to have you here.....

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9 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

Another thing I will repeat and hopefully for the last time. I will end my life. There is no point in this existence. I hate it and there is no point. There is no version of this world I am prepared to live in, no version of myself I am prepared to live as. The sooner I am gone the better. 

please reach out to someone you trust or the ER..we don't want anything bad to happen to you

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Is death "bad?"  Especially when we have the choice and the power to end our bodies?  I'm sure we go on after the body is dead.  On to what I'm not sure.  If we have the will and the power to go on our own terms, what can possibly be bad about that?  If we wait for death to come, we could be waiting a long, long time.

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18 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

 

The world is making us sick, not our effing brains.

And I HAVE said it all before. All I do is repeat myself because there is nothing else to say.

 

 

You certainly don't have to, but it's a bigger gift than you realize when you do repeat things. I love hearing what you have to say, even if I've heard it before. Sometimes we need to hear your perspective again, and again, and again, and you so often say the right things at the right time. You're awesome. 

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22 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Is death "bad?"  Especially when we have the choice and the power to end our bodies?  I'm sure we go on after the body is dead.  On to what I'm not sure.  If we have the will and the power to go on our own terms, what can possibly be bad about that?  If we wait for death to come, we could be waiting a long, long time.

I believe you are right. Death isn't "bad". 

Indeed, our concepts of good/bad, good/evil are socio- cultural conventions and have no cosmic, universal significance. 

IMHO. 

But what do I know.

 

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I agree that the world is making us sick.  I've never wanted to be here.  I've lived my whole life with a you're not going to get me that easily mentality.  I've never enjoyed any of this.  I've been angry the whole time I've been here.  In a world of people I'm a flying yellow monkey.  When I was created my creator knew I would hate this the whole time.  He knew I would never fit in or have any real chance to have a happy life and that's what he wanted.  That's how it is for some of us I think. 

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On 7/28/2020 at 2:36 AM, samadhiSheol said:

I don't believe in depression as an illness. I dare say most if not everyone with so-called depression is actually suffering from a life out of alignment with either our environment or ourselves, or both. The symptoms are serious enough though. And that is what depression really is: a symptom.

From my own experience and reading, I believe depression is both an illness and unaligned life situation with individual people having more of one or the other.  Also, I believe the two have a 'chicken and egg' relationship, so that both need to be dealt with at the same time to 'cure' depression.  (Note that I use the word 'cure' very loosely and undefined.)

With all due respect, I think your opinion that your life is totally worthless (please excuse me if I stated that wrong) is due to depression distorting your perspective.  That depression distorts perspective is one argument for it being a disease.  The presence of depression interferes with the brain's ability to function correctly.

 I do admit that this is only my opinion.  Even if it is true, I have no way to prove it.

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11 minutes ago, sober4life said:

... When I was created my creator knew I would hate this the whole time.  He knew I would never fit in or have any real chance to have a happy life and that's what he wanted.  That's how it is for some of us I think.

You certainly could be right.  But, I choose to believe that some type of happy life is at least possible.  I have to choose that belief, or I could not continue and would immediately end my life.  It may not be possible to be happy all the time (obviously), but some happiness sometimes must be possible.  

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16 hours ago, sober4life said:

I agree that the world is making us sick.  I've never wanted to be here.  I've lived my whole life with a you're not going to get me that easily mentality.  I've never enjoyed any of this.  I've been angry the whole time I've been here.  In a world of people I'm a flying yellow monkey.  When I was created my creator knew I would hate this the whole time.  He knew I would never fit in or have any real chance to have a happy life and that's what he wanted.  That's how it is for some of us I think. 

I was fine  up until depression and anxiety started for me...that's when I realized that I didn't really want this life..but when I was not impacted by the illness I was not having those thoughts of not wanting to be here...

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17 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

You certainly could be right.  But, I choose to believe that some type of happy life is at least possible.  I have to choose that belief, or I could not continue and would immediately end my life.  It may not be possible to be happy all the time (obviously), but some happiness sometimes must be possible.  

I think "happiness" is a panacea; a totally false condition that, if you're not "happy," can make you angry and sad and feel diminished.  My therapist made a good point in a recent session.  Something like, "expecting to be happy, or trying to "create" happiness is a fallacy.  Happiness is not something to aspire to.  Would it be so awful if you just accepted that you're not a "happy" person and take your emotional life day to day?"  More of that pay attention and live-in-the-moment stuff.  Presence.  

We think we should be happy because that's what advertising does to us.  Buy, wear, smell, eat, sleep . . . only the BEST.  Totally unrealistic and out of the question.  If you look at the commercial, the movie, the tv show and see only happy people IT IS A LIE.  Live your life as yourself; be present for each moment and acknowledge any small thing you succeeded at in the course of a day.  I think the best I'll ever be is "content."

But what do I know?  Still Crazy After All These Years.

Edited by womanofthelight
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33 minutes ago, womanofthelight said:

I think "happiness" is a panacea; a totally false condition ....

Yes, thank you.  I fell into the trap of using the word 'happy'.  I used that word in a 'positive vs. negative' way.  Actually, 'content' is a much better feeling anyway.  It has a longer-lasting, more comfortable feeling to it.  'Happiness' is more of a onetime event, like a party.  Striving to live in a continuous state of 'party' is silly and unrealistic.  Striving to be 'content' is more like being comfortable in your own skin regardless of the situation.  

Thanks again for catching that.  I try to clearly express what I mean, but really flopped this time!  

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I am done.

I have had it with df. Perhaps life too. Go figure.
 

It never helped, you know, being on df. I don’t feel a connection with anyone, neither online or in the so-called real world. 
 

Not that that is really a problem. I don’t mind my own company, I prefer being alone than being around people that ultimately I am incapable to connect to.

I don’t see life as something to be cherished at all costs. And before you start the “depression makes you see life that way”, whole philosophical systems have been built on the notion that NOTHING has any intrinsic, universal value. We give stuff it’s value, that is if we are capable of doing that.

I look at humanity and see failure and false hope wherever I look. I truly think the planet would be better off without humanity. For this reason alone I am probably better off alone. And as I said, I don’t truly connect with anyone, neither with myself. 

I have had ladies and gents. Df has triggered me from the start. Back in the day when they erroneously treated me for “depression”(I had burn-out and suffered from insomnia for years earning to sleep better went a long way to make me feel better, but by the same token, I began to think more), I was in a day hospital unit for a couple of months. It nearly finished me. I realized even then that peer support doesn’t work for everyone.  Not irl and neither online.

I have to go. Perhaps I will eventually end this pathetic existence(most likely) or not. But df has nothing to offer to me. 
 

Perhaps nothing does.

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1 hour ago, samadhiSheol said:

I am done.

I have had it with df. Perhaps life too. Go figure.
 

It never helped, you know, being on df. I don’t feel a connection with anyone, neither online or in the so-called real world. 
 

Not that that is really a problem. I don’t mind my own company, I prefer being alone than being around people that ultimately I am incapable to connect to.

I don’t see life as something to be cherished at all costs. And before you start the “depression makes you see life that way”, whole philosophical systems have been built on the notion that NOTHING has any intrinsic, universal value. We give stuff it’s value, that is if we are capable of doing that.

I look at humanity and see failure and false hope wherever I look. I truly think the planet would be better off without humanity. For this reason alone I am probably better off alone. And as I said, I don’t truly connect with anyone, neither with myself. 

I have had ladies and gents. Df has triggered me from the start. Back in the day when they erroneously treated me for “depression”(I had burn-out and suffered from insomnia for years earning to sleep better went a long way to make me feel better, but by the same token, I began to think more), I was in a day hospital unit for a couple of months. It nearly finished me. I realized even then that peer support doesn’t work for everyone.  Not irl and neither online.

I have to go. Perhaps I will eventually end this pathetic existence(most likely) or not. But df has nothing to offer to me. 
 

Perhaps nothing does.

i think we have happy moments throughout our lifetime, but happiness 100% does not exist.i dont think anyone is happy all the time, every day... personally, i think it's even worse with social media because everyone tries to show that their life is "perfect" and they are happy , everything is great...when we all know that's not true.. i know many people (with and without mental illness) who compare their life to things they see on social media, but deep down we all know that everyone has their struggles in this world, some worse than others... life is not fair, and it never will be. i don't know why we had to face such a painful illness that won't allow you to enjoy anything, and makes us feel like we don't belong here, i dont wish this pain on anyone, because it's a very painful way to live, and its not easy for your loved ones to watch you suffer.

i can tell you that i have felt many times the same way you feel because it just seems unfair, and very painful, but i do  have my good and bad days. and i know the rest of my life will be a mixture of bad days (where i will turn to DF for those who understand me better than doctors can because they go through similar issues)  and also good days where i also turn to the forum to try and pass any good news, advice, opinions, i might have or just to hear out others, and give advice..so you are important to this community.

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First, you do matter and your life is important.  I will argue that point forever.

Second, I apologize if anything I said, wrote, or did triggered you and/or made you feel worse.  I know from personal experience that when people mean no harm is when they sometimes cause the most.

Third, feeling no connection to anyone at all is a perception issue, not a connection issue.  Yeah, there is a long rant about that, but you do not need it right now.

Fourth, everything has a base-level value that cannot be cancelled out.  However, any value above that is assigned by the 'observer'.

Fifth, 'humanity' (by whatever definition) contains 'good' and 'bad'.  I do agree that the bad seems large and obvious.

Finally, you need to decide what is right for you, and I will respect that.  Please know that there are people here who assign a high value to you and care about you.

Take very good care of yourself!

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@samadhiSheolI don't want you to leave. You actually matter a great deal to me. Your "philosophy" is so very similar to mine but you are able to write about it with much more flourish and detail than I can muster.

I'm already wondering if I will finish this message and actually post it because I see it as pointless. But what else am I gonna do during the time I could be writing/posting?

Seeing a fellow misanthropist does me some good. It doesn't make me "happy" but it does give me a little bit of...hell, I don't know what to call it...satisfaction?

I can't stand myself and I can't stand being around other humans. I do love my two cats however.

 

Edited by JD4010
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On 7/30/2020 at 11:22 AM, samadhiSheol said:

 

I have to go. Perhaps I will eventually end this pathetic existence(most likely) or not. But df has nothing to offer to me. 
 

Perhaps nothing does.

DF might not offer anything to do - and I'm sincerely sorry if that's the case - but you definitely offer something to DF. I don't know if it's helpful but I'll tell you the reason I like it here: it helps me to feel slightly less alone. I'm deeply, profoundly alone in this world, and this is one of the only places where that feeling lightens for a while (the only one, actually). I have more contact with humans here than in real life, and here at least I know I don't have to wear that mask that is expected of me outside. I like the fact that my "default setting" is understood, and so is the fact that "happiness" is a kind of temporary illusion, and that all we can really hope to attain once we log off is the endurance of consistent coping. Checking in here with my friends is a reminder that today was just another day, and tomorrow will be just another day, and so on. I like it here. And I like you. So be kind to yourself, especially if the world hasn't.

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