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hopeful4me

Blocked on Instagram and not coping

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Hi,

I am new here and wasn't sure where to post this. This post is about a friendship. I hope this is the right place. I sincerely apologize if it is not. Here it goes.

(BTW, I am sorry for the super long post. I just wanted to include enough information to give everyone an idea of the entire situation.)

I’ve struggled with depression, self-worth, and thoughts of suicide since I was a young child. It began when mother took me back after initially giving me to my grandparents to be raised.

This is not what the post is about, but I think that knowing that I have suffered from these thoughts my entire life while reading what I am about to write. I have been feeling really down recently after discovering that someone who I haven’t spoken to in years, but who I thought I had a positive relationship with has blocked me on Instagram (my sole social media account) in response to me following them (they have a public account so follow requests are automatically approved). I have two Instagram accounts, one personal one and one for my hobby. This person blocked both of them. I feel like I have been slapped in the face and spit on just for saying hello to someone.

So here is the background on the relationship with me and this person. Me and this person started at the same university in the same year. We joined two different clubs that happened to be sister clubs. These clubs shared an office and so, even though we were in different clubs, we saw each other often. We were also both part of a dance club so we saw each other there as well. We had different majors so our interactions were limited to these two clubs. We were never friends but we always had positive interactions with each other. Every conversation was pleasant.

During my junior year, I decided to run for treasurer of the club that I was a member of. I won. The other members of the board (president, vice-president, etc.) did not like this. They had nominated a specific person and didn’t expect any challengers. They retaliated by bullying me out of the club. It started with them not giving me the key to the office. Then there was the white board with the phone numbers of all of the board members. First, my number was never added to the board, so I put it up there. Someone erased it. I wrote it back, someone erased it again. This continued until I pestered the president so much that they wrote in bold letters on the board that anyone who touched it would be kicked out. I couldn’t help but notice that I had to pester the president to the point to annoyance just to get them to act. Two of the members of the board were former treasurers themselves but neither of them offered to teach me how to do the job. I had to pester the president again to the point of annoyance just to get a 2-minute, speed talked lesson. Neither of them were available if I had any questions. Then there were incidents that were out of anyone’s control but worked in their favor. For example, clubs on campus are given budgets and, in order to pay for anything, they must fill out paperwork requesting the university pays for something. The treasurer’s no.1 job is to fill out and submit this paperwork correctly and on time. Late paperwork is fined a percentage of the amount requested. The club I was a part of had the largest budget on campus and so any late paperwork would carry a hefty fine. During my run as treasurer, the club suddenly began getting fined for every piece of paperwork submitted for a week. I think it was 3 in a row. The following week the president and treasurer of every club was called to an assembly with the student government organization. There we were told that the SGO had changed the due date for paperwork without informing anyone and we got a half-hearted apology. A few days later, the president came to me and informed me that I would no longer be allowed to fill out and submit paperwork because of the late fines.

Yes, they did this after the SGO clearly explained that the fines were the result of a rule-change and not the fault of the treasurer and that every club suffered multiple fines.

There was even one time when the person who I had defeated for the treasurer position tried to slap me. I was standing somewhere and that person was near me but I was paying attention to what I was doing when all of a sudden, I saw a blur near by face. I instinctively grabbed the blur and then inspected it to see what it was. It was a human hand, then I looked to see who was attached to the hand and found that person with an equally shocked expression on their face. So, I let go, that person mumbled “nice reflexes” and walked away. In the moment, I thought that person was trying to jokingly test my reflexes, but later I realized that, at the speed the hand was travelling, I would have been knocked unconscious had I not caught the hand. This is not a comprehensive list of everything that happened but I hope you have a clear idea of the constant bullying I experienced during this time.

In addition to this, I was not getting along with my roommate and I had made friends with the wrong crowd. These three things combined proved too stressful for me and my grades began to slip. I decided to leave campus and move back in with my parents. It meant a 3-hour commute by bus to and from school, but I felt it was worth a try. The other board members used this opportunity to pounce. They decided to give me an ulterior motive. Either I leave my post willingly or they would impeach me. After I laughed off their threat and informed them that they would lose, they changed tactics and suggested that leaving may help me improve my grades. I actually agreed with this and so I left the position and left the club altogether. I was very upset because, while these people have made me feel unwelcome ever since I joined the club, I had hoped that being a nice person and also showing how dedicated I was to the club would help them warm to me. This experienced showed me that this would never happen. This all happened in 2003. Even though what happened was awful, I see the experience as something that was necessary for my person growth.

To be honest, my life improved dramatically after leaving the club. I focused my time on a different group of friends who I knew liked and accepted me. My grades improved and I even made deans list a semester or 2. My grades actually improved enough for me to get into graduate school many years later. I learned that there are some people in life who are never going to see your worth and that is ok. The best thing to do is focus your energy on the people who already love you. I also learned how to walk away from toxic situations and toxic people before things get out of hand.

I just want to mention here that the person in question was not directly a member of the club that was bullying me and that we continued to have pleasant conversations even while the bullying was going on. However, this person was (and still is) friends with the people who bullied me.

So then comes social media. I was living overseas when Facebook took off in popularity. I resisted joining it for a while but eventually my coworkers convinced me to join. I began finding old friend from high school and university and decided to stay. The person in question never joined Facebook (still hasn’t to this day I hear) and so, I was never able to reconnect with them.

The only people from either of the sister clubs that I ever reconnected with were the ones that had graduated before the bullying happened. We reconnected on Facebook and stayed in contact ever since. It wasn’t constant contact, but just a “hi” every now and again. I was still living overseas so it wasn’t like we could just meet up for a cup of coffee.

So fast forward to 2016, I am married to a non-American and am visiting my parents with my husband and newborn. The entire family decides to go on vacation in Florida. I happen to know one of the people from the sister club was recently hired at their dream company in Florida so I contact them to meet up. I know that the person in question also works at this same company (I heard through friends), but I have no way to contact that person. Anyway, I meet up with the person I could contact. We introduce each other’s spouses and we chat for a bit. That is about it. I went back overseas at the end of the trip and, though I have visited the states once more since then, I haven’t been back to Florida since.

So now on to a couple of week ago. I live in a country that went into lockdown pretty early in the pandemic. In response, my husband’s company required everyone to work from home. I was already working from home and had a home office set up in out condominium. We decided that it would be best that my husband take over my home office since he is the breadwinner and I become a full-time mother to our (now) 2 children…both under the age of 5. As a now full-time (rather than part-time) stay at home mom, I took to cooking 3 meals a day for the family. This led me to try out recipes that I had always wanted to try but never seemed to have the time. Of course, I posted all of these photos on Instagram. One day, I realized that even though I had been tagging other accounts in my photos (certain brands, the creator of the recipe, etc.), they couldn’t see the tag because my Instagram account was private. My first response was to make my account public, but then I began uncomfortable with the idea of pictures of my children being on an account easily accessible by anyone. That’s when I decided to create a second Instagram account. The new account would be private and that would be where I share photos of my children while the original account remained public and I would continue to post picture of things I cooked. (FYI, cooking and food in general has been my hobby well before the lockdown. The lockdown just gave me an opportunity to pursue my hobby even more).

When I created the new account, immediately began sending follow requests to all of my friends. This included friends from the sister club who I had slowly reconnected with over the 16-18 years since graduation. Because of this, Instagram began suggesting I friend people from my original club including the people who bullied me. I deleted those suggestions. However, it then suggested this person. I haven’t spoken to this person in 17.5 years (16 year since graduation plus that 1.5 years where I was at the school but had stopped going by the office. I had also quit the dance club.). I decided to follow that person. Their account was public so my request was approved automatically. After that, I forgot about it. Then one day, a mutual friend found some items from the sister club and posted a picture making sure to tag all the people who were a part of that club. This person was tagged. That’s when I remembered that I had followed this person but I didn’t see them in my feed. So, I clicked on the link and…it said “user not found.” I thought that was weird. How can our mutual friend tag a user that doesn’t exist? For some reason, my thoughts went immediately to “they blocked you.” So, I did a search on Google to see how to find out if you had been blocked on Instagram. One site suggested opening up your browser in incognito mode and [link removed]. This is so you can go on Instagram without the site knowing it is you. They said, (for a public account) if you can see that person’s account in incognito mode whereas it says “user not found” when you are logged into your account, that means you have been blocked. Since this person’s account is public and follow requests are approved automatically, that means this person would have had to gone into the list of followers, find my name, and then block me. On top of that, I checked my original account where I have never tried to follow this person and found that I was blocked there too. So not only did they do all that work to block me on one account, but they sought out my other account just to block that one as well.

I honestly have no idea why they did this. If this person had only blocked one account, I would think maybe they don’t remember me but the fact that they sought out my second account just to block it means that they remember me very well. However, we’ve never had any negative encounters in person and we haven’t even had contact –in person or online—in almost 18 years. I would understand if this person decided to remove me from their list of followers or something blocking me? And going through so much trouble to block both account? I can’t imagine why.

I am at war with myself. My mind says the only two possible reasons are that they are upset with me for one of the 2 incidents mentioned above. They could have been part of the group of people who was bullying me and I never knew it (they never revealed themselves like the cowards they are) or they are upset that I visited my other friend while in Florida and never contacted them (though I never had any means to contact them anyway). My brain tells me that someone who is acting so extreme for something that either happened 4 years ago or 17.5 years ago is not someone worth having in my life, but my heart is broken. This is especially true when you consider that the people who I knew for sure were directly part of it (like the president and vice president), never once blocked me on any social media platforms. They never tried to connect with me nor I them, but they never blocked me either (nor I them). I think the not knowing part and that fact that I will probably never get a chance to know, bothers me the most. What could I have possibly have done to deserve such treatment? I just don’t understand. I am struggling with feelings of rejection and I am not sure how to process them.

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On 7/13/2020 at 3:00 PM, hopeful4me said:

I think the not knowing part and that fact that I will probably never get a chance to know, bothers me the most. What could I have possibly have done to deserve such treatment? I just don’t understand. I am struggling with feelings of rejection and I am not sure how to process them.

What a touching outpouring of soul. Thank you for sharing. I'm very sorry that you're struggling, and I wish I had an answer for you that would magically vaporize all these torturous feelings. Unfortunately I suffer from a lot of them myself, so I don't have a direct answer for you, but I do have a couple things that might help you to cope.

 

Firstly, you mentioned before something to the effect that you wouldn't want to have friends who act that way. You're right. Why seek the validation of bullies and ghosts? I know, it's the not-knowing that tears you up. "How can they take such action against someone like me? What's so wrong with me?" The answer, of course is: nothing. There's nothing wrong with you. It's them. Maybe they're jealous of something that's simple to you, like the success of moving to another country, or even just being more successful as a treasurer than they could have been. Maybe they can't stand to think about you because every time they do, they see something they could never attain. Wonderful children. Sublime cooking skills. Progression in life. I know it's hard, but sometimes when we try to please everybody - especially when we normally do a good job! - it really throws us for a loop when we run across somebody we can't win over. It sucks, but it's not your fault.

 

It's important to self-validate more than anything. Remind yourself of what you do have. For one thing, you withstood years of bullying and unfair treatment; go ahead and be proud of the strength it took to do that. Besides, for all you know, those people are toxic and the universe is trying to guide you away from them so that they don't infect the family you've worked so hard to raise and care for so sincerely. It's okay to let them go. Remember, you started a new life in a new place for a reason - make it yours! Go to a Spanish beach instead. Or Ha Long Bay, or Hokkaido, or Cape Town, or the Ecuadorian coast, or Perth, or wherever it is that you are now. Even with lockdown, the world is a gigantic place. 🙂

 

I don't know if this helps. I'm just hoping you can keep your head up.

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7 hours ago, Tymothi said:

It's important to self-validate more than anything. Remind yourself of what you do have. For one thing, you withstood years of bullying and unfair treatment; go ahead and be proud of the strength it took to do that. Besides, for all you know, those people are toxic and the universe is trying to guide you away from them so that they don't infect the family you've worked so hard to raise and care for so sincerely. It's okay to let them go. Remember, you started a new life in a new place for a reason - make it yours! Go to a Spanish beach instead. Or Ha Long Bay, or Hokkaido, or Cape Town, or the Ecuadorian coast, or Perth, or wherever it is that you are now. Even with lockdown, the world is a gigantic place. 🙂

Thank you again for your encouragement. I didn't think of reminding myself of the good things in my life. Sometimes I get lost in a downward spiral of negative thoughts and I end up in a very dark place.

The universe guided me out of their clutches once before and my life is so much better for it. I guess it could be making sure that I stay out of their clutches. 😉 I know probably shouldn't need external permission to let them go, but I did need it. I think I needed to hear that I wasn't overreacting. So many times when someone asks why they were blocked on social media, all the answers are "because you probably did something wrong" so it was ******* me that I couldn't think of anything especially in light of the fact that I haven't even seen this person (in person or online) in so long. Thank you again.

Going to the beach sounds fun. However, since I can't go now, I will settle for a family day at the local pool. It's mostly for my husband because he uses swimming as a way to release stress, but I guess I can too. 

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When I started liking myself, approving of myself, thinking highly of myself--I did not need the validation of anybody else.

Hey, this took me years!  Because I use to live by everybody else's approval or rejection--this just aggravated my depression.

You're seeking outside approval, which will keep you down.  Upset.

You have a husband, baby, I hope some family and some good friends.  You may never get an answer on why you've been rejected, do you want to spend your life wondering why,  when they probably aren't thinking of you.  Hey, sounds harsh, but this was told to me and I still didn't get it.

You sound sensitive and I love that--this world needs sensitive people.  But sensitive people wear their hearts on their sleeves and we, you, always get hurt.  And that hurt lingers.

The best revenge is to be happy.  I don't know if you're near maybe a therapist to help boost your self-esteem.  I speak to mine every week.  And yes, swim, read, write, puzzles, play with your baby, spend time one on one with the hubby when the baby naps.  And speak with us, reach out to healthy friends!  They won't just block you and not tell you why.  Real friends act like real friends.  

Stay lovely, and I wish you the best!  And sending virtual hugs!  🙂

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18 minutes ago, HeatherG said:

When I started liking myself, approving of myself, thinking highly of myself--I did not need the validation of anybody else.

Hey, this took me years!  Because I use to live by everybody else's approval or rejection--this just aggravated my depression.

You're seeking outside approval, which will keep you down.  Upset.

You have a husband, baby, I hope some family and some good friends.  You may never get an answer on why you've been rejected, do you want to spend your life wondering why,  when they probably aren't thinking of you.  Hey, sounds harsh, but this was told to me and I still didn't get it.

You sound sensitive and I love that--this world needs sensitive people.  But sensitive people wear their hearts on their sleeves and we, you, always get hurt.  And that hurt lingers.

The best revenge is to be happy.  I don't know if you're near maybe a therapist to help boost your self-esteem.  I speak to mine every week.  And yes, swim, read, write, puzzles, play with your baby, spend time one on one with the hubby when the baby naps.  And speak with us, reach out to healthy friends!  They won't just block you and not tell you why.  Real friends act like real friends.  

Stay lovely, and I wish you the best!  And sending virtual hugs!  🙂

Thank you so much for reading my post and taking the time to reply. 

You're are absolutely right. I am a sensitive person. I struggle with social media because of it. It is so easy to misread intentions when you are reading words on a screen and there are no facial or tonal cues to help decode the speaker's true intentions. It's one of the reasons why I deleted everything except Instagram in the first place. I was worried about what my life would be like without Facebook because I spent so much of time on the platform but I actually feel a lot better without it. 

The one thing I want to correct is that my issue is not so much that I needed this person's approval. It's that the rejection seems to imply that this person hates me for some reason. I know hate is a strong word but blocking someone is a strong action. They could have just removed me from their list of followers but instead they chose the most drastic option as their first choice. If this rejection was based on some sort of misunderstanding, I would have loved to have cleared it up. If it was based on something I did indeed do, I would have loved to apologize. Anyway, the initial shock has worn off and now I am starting to move on and you are right, the best revenge is to be happy.

BTW, Tymothie might be right. It could be that I didn't do anything wrong at all and that maybe my life seems better than it is on Instagram and they don't want to see it. Maybe they don't like people who post pictures of food all the time. Maybe they don't like kids. Who knows?

I don't have a therapist right now. For now, I don't think I need one. It may be enough to come here and chat with everyone because my bouts with depression are few and far between (but when they are bad, they are really bad). However, I am not against looking into one.

Thank you again for replying. It really meant a lot to me. I'm returning your virtual hugs. Dealing with this with people really helped me to process my thoughts and kept me from spiraling. 

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15 hours ago, hopeful4me said:

Thank you again for your encouragement. I didn't think of reminding myself of the good things in my life. Sometimes I get lost in a downward spiral of negative thoughts and I end up in a very dark place.

Depression has that effect. It's like a magnet. So you have to make sure you're at least aware of its reach. Remember, it's a thing. A treatable, invasive thing to be dealt with.

 

I'm encouraged by your efforts to redefine yourself in a new place. Everything is different - the climate, the food, the etiquette, everything. And the part of us that enjoys disconnecting from the old place revels in its newness, and the chances we have to set the world up the way we wish it as adults (a great therapy we never experience as children, except in our imaginations). And with no shadows following you, no debts to take care of or obligations on our heels, it's incredibly freeing.

 

But then when disaster strikes, we have to think on our heels. It gets very overwhelming very quickly. It is not easy - it can't be, or else it wouldn't craft us into the people we're meant to be. So be kind to yourself. Take a breath to acknowledge what you've done so far. Smile at it. Feel strong that this life is one you've made - then continue making it. Transplantation is like riding in a river. You can't change the course of the water, but you can steer, and steer with increasing skill and strength. Those people who blocked you or deny your existence are helping you get away, farther downstream, where you and your family need to be.

 

I had a student once who went off to make a career of acting, and she got frustrated when she moved to a big city and faced harsh criticism from people she admired. I told her to always thank those people who objected to her because whether they knew it or not, each one of them was giving her an opportunity to get better - an opportunity she didn't have to feel bad about taking for free. 😉 

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On 7/20/2020 at 4:47 AM, Tymothi said:

I'm encouraged by your efforts to redefine yourself in a new place. Everything is different - the climate, the food, the etiquette, everything. And the part of us that enjoys disconnecting from the old place revels in its newness, and the chances we have to set the world up the way we wish it as adults (a great therapy we never experience as children, except in our imaginations). And with no shadows following you, no debts to take care of or obligations on our heels, it's incredibly freeing.

It makes me so happy to hear that I could encourage someone. I would say to anyone that if you can find a job overseas then go! Forget your debt. Most bills can be paid online nowadays anyway. That is what I did  up until this pandemic. I moved first and then paid off my debts one by one. I am down to one credit card but I will keep it to keep my credit score high in case I ever move back. 

If anyone doesn't know, your credit score will tank if you don't have any activity for an extended period of time. I learned that the hard way when I return to the states from asia. I basically had to rebuild my credit from scratch. The sole credit card I have now doesn't have any fees for using it overseas. Those can add up quickly. 

If anyone wants advice on moving overseas, I am here. I am more than willing to give advice.

 

Tymothi, you are also right about this person who blocked me made it even easier to leave my past behind. It was a blessing in diguise. This person was toxic and I didn't know it. They outed themselves for me.

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8 hours ago, hopeful4me said:

 

If anyone wants advice on moving overseas, I am here. I am more than willing to give advice.

 

 

I wish I could go overseas for good, and I actually tried. I was in Vietnam right before the pandemic, with no intention of leaving, and I absolutely loved [almost] every minute of the month I was there. But then the virus came out, and it came out fast, and I could see what was about to happen, and I made the difficult decision to fly back and be with my family in case it was the end of the world - and of course, now I'll never be able to return.

Still, it was the experience of a lifetime to let go of what my original culture expected of me and adapt to a new one, especially since there were things about it that meant something to me. It's kind of like being young and excited about all the new possibilities the world has - you're free of the stagnant viewpoints and able to start fresh with new optimism and hope from the unknown. New food, new shops, new neighbors, new customs, and many of them so different from what you're used to that it relieves a great deal of whatever wounds you might be carrying from the old life. 

Developing a social support structure is not easy, but the good news is that in most civilized countries people help each other in times of crisis. You did great with clearing your debt - I wonder if some people there would turn out to make great friends if you worked just as hard in opening up to them about your struggles? If I had been in Vietnam long enough to make good friends I could count on in an extended crisis, I really never would've come back!

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5 hours ago, Tymothi said:

 I was in Vietnam right before the pandemic, with no intention of leaving, and I absolutely loved [almost] every minute of the month I was there. But then the virus came out, and it came out fast, and I could see what was about to happen, and I made the difficult decision to fly back and be with my family in case it was the end of the world - and of course, now I'll never be able to return.

 

Oh no! Why can't you go back? Would you be able to go to a different country?

Everything you said about moving overseas is 100% my experience as well. It is so liberating to be free of stagnant viewpoints and these set expectation of what you are allowed to be. Moving to a new country means you are free to explore who you are. At the same time, the lack of a support network can be soul crushing and unfortunately it takes years to build one.

For me, I've been in Italy for 6 years and I am only just realizing that I may actually have some friends. I opened up about the person who blocked me to one friend after she opened up similar treatment she is receiving from people and, like me, she has no idea what she did to cause them to treat her that way. I was actually shocked and happy by the number of people here who checked on me during the pandemic. It showed that I may have more friends than I am aware of. My biggest hurdle has always been that I can't find the time to see these people physically because I have to take care of my young children and I do not have anyone close by who I can rely on to watch my children in order for me to see my friends. Things were looking up before the pandemic started but now things are back to "normal." 

I am hoping that things get better once the children go back to school in September. Here the numbers are low enough that the experts consider it safe to open schools, but everyone is going to keep a close eye on the numbers in case there is a second wave. Maybe it will help to be able to meet up with friends in person again.

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15 hours ago, hopeful4me said:

 

Oh no! Why can't you go back? Would you be able to go to a different country?

Everything you said about moving overseas is 100% my experience as well. It is so liberating to be free of stagnant viewpoints and these set expectation of what you are allowed to be. Moving to a new country means you are free to explore who you are. At the same time, the lack of a support network can be soul crushing and unfortunately it takes years to build one.

For me, I've been in Italy for 6 years and I am only just realizing that I may actually have some friends. I opened up about the person who blocked me to one friend after she opened up similar treatment she is receiving from people and, like me, she has no idea what she did to cause them to treat her that way. I was actually shocked and happy by the number of people here who checked on me during the pandemic. It showed that I may have more friends than I am aware of. My biggest hurdle has always been that I can't find the time to see these people physically because I have to take care of my young children and I do not have anyone close by who I can rely on to watch my children in order for me to see my friends. Things were looking up before the pandemic started but now things are back to "normal." 

I am hoping that things get better once the children go back to school in September. Here the numbers are low enough that the experts consider it safe to open schools, but everyone is going to keep a close eye on the numbers in case there is a second wave. Maybe it will help to be able to meet up with friends in person again.

Depression is kind of like that - it distorts our view of reality. You very likely have more friends than you think, and if they're not already, they probably can be just by doing what you're doing - relating to them and extending them a little bit of trust. Being brought up in USA tends to make us greedy with our trust, and it's not how most of the world works (at least, I don't think it is). More often than not, when you show trust, you receive it - especially now, since everyone's been isolated and cabin fever-y. The only question is, can your depressive side handle it in those rare cases when it isn't returned? That's what I would be concerned with the most.

 

Whenever you feel the desire (or need) to connect with someone, I've always found that it's helpful to include them. For example, when my wife wanted to go to a friend's house but couldn't because her autistic son is too much for any babysitter to handle, she would talk it over with the friend and 9/10 times the friend would either go out of their way to involve her son or upgrade the plan and invite even more people to hang out, so the "watching him" part could be shared among a group. It was a literal "taking a village to raise a child" method, and not only did it help her to have contact with her friends but by including the others, it also made them feel good for doing something nice - not to mention boosting their understanding for her situation. More than once she cried at the generosity of others. The craziest thing is that on some of those occasions she wouldn't have even thought of doing it because she was so overwhelmed. I don't know if it's possible to include people in the babysitting process, but it might be worth it to think about it.

 

I won't be able to visit another country any time soon, if at all, because I used up the last of a lifetime of savings to get out the first time. I'm also getting too old. 😕  But you never know! I do still have a quiet push for Germany. And Ireland. And Scandinavia. And Ecuador. And the Pacific island commonwealth nation of Palau.... Sometimes just the dream is enough to keep a person afloat! 🙂 

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