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I would like to introduce myself. I have been suffering from depression ever since I was a child. My mother had given me away to be raised by my grandparents. Then when I was around 6, my mother took me back and that is when the issues started. My grandparents raised me in a loving environment, but when I moved back with my birth mother (plus brother, maternal grandmother, aunt, and uncle), I felt out of place. I acted very differently from the rest of my family and was made to feel like an outcast because of it. I was hated and bullied relentlessly at school, and I was bullied even more by the neighborhood kids. This bullying continued all the way through high school and a little into college as well. 

I went through life feeling unworthy of love or respect. I self-sabotaged many friendships and potential romantic partners because I always expected them to leave me. I didn't begin to heal until I left the United States. Something about living in a country where no one had any expectation of me was liberating. I was free to define who I was. 

Even though living overseas has been helpful overall, I still had (and still have) depression and suicidal thoughts due to loneliness. It is always difficult to connect with locals due to the language barrier and difficult to connect with fellow Americans because I don't fit the stereotype assigned to me. Plus, every time I did settle into a new country, I ended up moving and had to start the process all over again.

Now I am in my current country. I am married to a local and have two wonderful children, but I do not have much of an emotional support system. I am raising two children by myself without help from in laws (who live on the other side of the country) or my own family, who are all an ocean away. Most of my friends are in a similar boat. We are all foreigners married to local men, most of us have 2 children. Some of the moms have in laws to help them and some don't. We're all equally busy so it is difficult for us to be there for one another, even if we really want to. I do not have time to care for myself. Sometimes I go days without showering or washing my hair because every waking minute of the day is dedicated to caring for our two children. This was made worse by covid-19 and the lockdown. We had just placed our youngest in school and I was beginning to at least have time to groom myself again and then all of a sudden it was taken away. With so much going on, it is easy for one careless comment from my husband to send me over the edge. Sometimes I feel like my children are the only thing keeping me alive. They are devastated if I ignore them for a few minutes. I think leaving them forever would cause irreversible damage. 

Still, it is so hard. Sometimes I just need a sympathetic ear. I am hoping I can find that here and also be that for someone else who may need it.    

 

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Hi hopefulf4me and welcome to the Forums,

I am so very sorry for the ordeals you have suffered and are still suffering.  You have been burdened with so many heavy difficulties.  I am not sure I could handle what you are going through with as much courage as you have shown.  It is just heartbreaking what situations you must cope with on a daily basis.  I hope these Forums will prove to be a warm, friendly and welcoming refuge for you from the unhappy circumstances you face. 

I have also found living overseas to be helpful to me.  It is interesting how that works. 

In any case, I want to wish you only the best here on the Forums and in your life.  I sure hope things get better for you and soon!

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I would love to move to a place where nobody had any expectations of me.  I've been bullied, neglected and abused most of my life.  All the people in my life right now are toxic to me to some degree.  The people around me are ruining me and draining me of what little is left of me.  I feel stuck in my situation that I want absolutely no part of anymore.

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On 7/13/2020 at 2:31 PM, hopeful4me said:

 

I went through life feeling unworthy of love or respect. I self-sabotaged many friendships and potential romantic partners because I always expected them to leave me. I didn't begin to heal until I left the United States. Something about living in a country where no one had any expectation of me was liberating. I was free to define who I was. 

 

 

Hello hopeful4me,

 

Welcome to the forums. There are many sympathetic ears here.

 

You've been through an ordeal, and you are certainly more dedicated to redefining yourself than I could hope to be. It is adventurous and courageous to move to a new location and do the work of starting over where no one knows you - I've done it myself - but it can also be very alienating. There are things you miss, and the familiarity of a support system is potentially one of them. My only advice would be to remind yourself of the adventure itself. You've made it so far, so very far, from where you started, and for the most part you've done it with great success. Don't sell yourself short on the ability you have to adapt.

 

What would you tell someone in your position who comes looking to you for advice? Chances are your first response is a good one to follow, yourself. You obviously have honed instincts to be able to do what you've done. Stay strong and remember to breathe slowly.

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8 hours ago, Epictetus said:

Hi hopefulf4me and welcome to the Forums,

I am so very sorry for the ordeals you have suffered and are still suffering.  You have been burdened with so many heavy difficulties.  I am not sure I could handle what you are going through with as much courage as you have shown.  It is just heartbreaking what situations you must cope with on a daily basis.  I hope these Forums will prove to be a warm, friendly and welcoming refuge for you from the unhappy circumstances you face. 

I have also found living overseas to be helpful to me.  It is interesting how that works. 

In any case, I want to wish you only the best here on the Forums and in your life.  I sure hope things get better for you and soon!

Thank you for the warm welcome. I have been searching for a place to openly talk about my depression for years and then one day I saw that someone recommended this forum on Quora. I wish I felt as couragous as I must seem. I am working on it. I realize now that depression is not something that will go away once I fix that one thing, but is something that I will constantly have to work on. I am so very happy to have found these forums. Thank you to whoever created them and thank you to all of the admins. 

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6 hours ago, Tymothi said:

Hello hopeful4me,

What would you tell someone in your position who comes looking to you for advice? Chances are your first response is a good one to follow, yourself. You obviously have honed instincts to be able to do what you've done. Stay strong and remember to breathe slowly.

Wow, I can multiquote! What a great feature! Thank you for the warm welcome. Also, that is wonderful advice. I actually never thought about that before. I think I will do that by writing in my journal. I will write a letter of advice to myself as if it was a good friend of mine.

 

9 hours ago, sober4life said:

I would love to move to a place where nobody had any expectations of me.  I've been bullied, neglected and abused most of my life.  All the people in my life right now are toxic to me to some degree.  The people around me are ruining me and draining me of what little is left of me.  I feel stuck in my situation that I want absolutely no part of anymore.

Hey!

I am so sorry to hear that. By the time I graduated from university i could say that exact same statement. It is a horrible feeling that I don't think we will ever fully get over, but we can move past it. A drastic change of scenery worked for me, but as Tymothi said, it comes with this sense of alienation that will linger until you meet a core group of friends. There are steps you can take to combat it, it just takes time.

I write this only because, even though I don't know you, I would love to help you if you are interested. Just let me know. 🙂

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16 hours ago, hopeful4me said:

Wow, I can multiquote! What a great feature! Thank you for the warm welcome. Also, that is wonderful advice. I actually never thought about that before. I think I will do that by writing in my journal. I will write a letter of advice to myself as if it was a good friend of mine.

 

If you can do multiquote, you're already better at this than I am! Maybe you can tell me how - I tried once but failed.

 

I'm a big believer in writing as a great, great tool for helping meet your inner needs, and I highly encourage it. As a member of DF, you also have the ability to write a blog; maybe you could start there? You can also make an image gallery, although mine doesn't seem to work so well. I knew someone who was in a very terrible place in her life, and she wrote long journals to herself - past, present, and future selves - and decorated them artistically. I thought they were magnificent and beautiful in their pain, and when the time came for her to be free of her terrible place, she freed herself of the journals in a very cathartic and life-affirming way. The fact that I had thought of them as beautiful artwork was insignificant next to the value she found in destroying them to make way for a healthier self. She never regretted it.

 

I'm guessing you are right about not being able to "cure" depression by fixing one thing. Most people learn to cope with it, to accept it as part of themselves, and to develop good practices to keep its prevalence and influence to a minimum. We can go decades without feeling its darkness, but then all it takes is one particularly bad and unexpected trigger, and if we haven't been doing the work in the meantime, we can fall victim to it all over again. It's all about exercising that muscle.

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Hi , I read your whole post, so hard what telling, so hard to dont have any support to find some relief, forums are good to put out all your stress, hope you find it like a good wayvto cope, there are also lot of facebook groups about this, arent my favorite thing but try them, maybe help you too. 

Good luck  try to find some peace.

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