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davina

Life is torture right now

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Posted (edited)

Hello

i don’t want to go into a long winded post but hoped I could find some connection here and vent. Unfortunately I’ve burdened everyone I know. I’m torturing my sister, my friends, I call crisis lines and they do very little to help. All that gives me a slight relief is taking some Tranquilizers. I used to very much enjoy going for long walks in nature, by the water, I tried the other day and could barely walk more than 5 minutes when I turned back because it doesn’t interest me anymore. 
 

id already come out of a long lasting Illness and was only last fall getting my life and work back together and not everything is up in the air. Uncertainty I’m used to but I think I see a darker picture now and cannot cope this time . I cannot deal with being alone anymore and being isolated. I have no energy to do anything except for eat and smoke. It’s the worst I’ve ever been and I feel Like not being awake most of the time. Torture. My sister said maybe to go to the hospital but I’m not suicidal, so what will the point be. Probably just catch the virus. I don’t even think they set you up with therapists faster or I might consider it.  Life has been hell for the past decade and now there’s an even lower abyss I’ve crawled into. The only semi thing that was of interest , a light in the dark were a two concerts Of my favourite band in the fall which will inevitably be cancelled.

Edited by davina

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Welcome davina to our forum family.

Your post is perhaps more insightful than you realize.

You are invoking metaphors which I believe are the hints your psyche is giving you to find the way out of the deep, dark, dangerous depression cave.

My experience reveals depression to be a natural formation/resource.

Our goal on this forum is to not leave anyone behind in their depression abyss.

Please keep posting your concerns and check out some other posts.

We are here to help.

My motto is : DESPAIR not/REPAIR a lot.

Oscar 

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It's real nice that thing you're most concerned about is the effect you're having on others. I been in the depths of darkness too, and I somehow come out of it. I don't know how I'm healing exactly but there are some things that are obvious. Living in your heart pulls you out of the abyss. Saying "I LOVE YOU" to yourself in your mind, say it regularly, say it with passion if you can. Thank God and the universe for the resolution that has not yet manifest, thank God for everything, everything you don't like about your existence, thank God for it and really mean it, like you've chosen it. Darkness it born of resistance and rejection, when you resist the darkness it grows. Embracing it whole heartedly transmutes it into light. Everything you have a problem with, you can begin to embrace it as if you had chosen it, you see the whole nature of it transforms as you come into acceptance. You're no longer a victim of circumstances, now the circumstances whatever way they are and appear, they empower you. The depression lifts as you align yourself with the intent of your soul, like what you really deep down want. Helping people through volunteering at a homeless shelter or something like that, if it triggers a surge of inspiration in you and the depression lifts, this gives you a clue that maybe what your soul wants involves helping people. If you look deep in your heart, you will see that deep down, you do want to help people, you want all to be well with others. This is the universal intent of the heart.

 

 

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Hi and welcome to the Forums, davina,

I just read your post and want to tell you how terribly sorry I am for the ordeals you have suffered and are still suffering.  It is really just utterly heartbreaking what you are going through.  I wish I knew what to say that would help ease your pain.  Hopefully you will find these Forums to be helpful to you in some way.  They have helped me a lot. 

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After over 30 years of this I've learned that sitting or laying around only makes it worst.I have a choice either get moving around or sit around and feel terrible.Maybe take baby steps.Walk a few more minutes each day.I know it tough.

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Hi there, you can talk with me if you feel you need to talk with someone, I have no problem to listen you and try to help you.

 

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20 hours ago, Oscar K said:

Welcome davina to our forum family.

Your post is perhaps more insightful than you realize.

You are invoking metaphors which I believe are the hints your psyche is giving you to find the way out of the deep, dark, dangerous depression cave.

My experience reveals depression to be a natural formation/resource.

Our goal on this forum is to not leave anyone behind in their depression abyss.

Please keep posting your concerns and check out some other posts.

We are here to help.

My motto is : DESPAIR not/REPAIR a lot.

Oscar 

Thank you. You mentioned psyche. I’ve been learning a bit of jungian psychology and even went to 1 session of psychoanalysis..but afterward I thought my mood and outlook were too urgent for long ,drawn out talks about dreams And such. Maybe I’m wrong I don’t know.

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17 hours ago, Metamorphosis said:

It's real nice that thing you're most concerned about is the effect you're having on others. I been in the depths of darkness too, and I somehow come out of it. I don't know how I'm healing exactly but there are some things that are obvious. Living in your heart pulls you out of the abyss. Saying "I LOVE YOU" to yourself in your mind, say it regularly, say it with passion if you can. Thank God and the universe for the resolution that has not yet manifest, thank God for everything, everything you don't like about your existence, thank God for it and really mean it, like you've chosen it. Darkness it born of resistance and rejection, when you resist the darkness it grows. Embracing it whole heartedly transmutes it into light. Everything you have a problem with, you can begin to embrace it as if you had chosen it, you see the whole nature of it transforms as you come into acceptance. You're no longer a victim of circumstances, now the circumstances whatever way they are and appear, they empower you. The depression lifts as you align yourself with the intent of your soul, like what you really deep down want. Helping people through volunteering at a homeless shelter or something like that, if it triggers a surge of inspiration in you and the depression lifts, this gives you a clue that maybe what your soul wants involves helping people. If you look deep in your heart, you will see that deep down, you do want to help people, you want all to be well with others. This is the universal intent of the heart.

 

 

Thank you. During really bad moments I look for YouTube videos that always end up reminding me not to resist. I have to remember that one. Feel whatever’s happening and maybe not jump to text or call someone for consolation. I don’t know but it’s been too long now, perhaps it’s more of a personality or deep rooted trauma issue. Hopeful to hear you got better 

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