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Old loser


Zagor

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I feel old. I turned 42 but I feel like someone who turned 82. Even worse. Besides the depression I gotta deal with this too. It hit me suddenly. I am no longer young. What am I gonna do? Too early to die too old to live. It's worse than I can express in words

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Dear Zagor,

I am so sorry this is happening to you.  Wish I knew what to say that would help.  Sometimes there are just no words for things.  Hopefully others here will know what to say.  My heart goes out to you, Zagor.

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I feel the same way at 41.  I live like I'm retired.  My mind is almost toast and my body isn't much better.  Others my age have real lives.  For me it's a miracle to make it back from the store.  I have to ride this crazy train though with the fakest most bitter smiles of all time until I one day can't figure out how to get out of my house anymore.

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I think Old Man Depression is up to his devious tricks on your psyche.

Depression can be manageable with determined cleverness.

We are not helpless when confronting Old Man Depression.

Some people turn to mind altering antidepressants.

I prefer mind altering MEDaphors.

Perhaps this is nutritious food for thought?

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Yes while everyone I know is happy and live their lives to the fullest I have to lie and pretend. When it comes to medications I am hooked on suboxone. I was given 6 years ago oxicodone and I abused it for 3 years. Looks like I abused my reward system. Now I am stuck on subs and dexedrine. What is even worse, if I try to stop the drugs (suboxone) then akathisia hits hard and depression hits the roof. Who hasn't experienced akathisia he/she hopefully never does. I don't wish it on my worst enemy.

Then the "age" thing. Instead of being a happy man in his early 40's I am feeling like an 80 yo battling with drugs. If I never used any "meds" I wouldn't be like this today. Wish I could get off these. I am also on rexulti and an anti depressant but they are easy to quit. I am simply a mess with no hope in sight.

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Hi Zagor:

 

I might know a little about what you mean. I haven't been on any serious meds in a long time, so I can't comment on the drug component, but I can relate to the age thing. I'm 41 with knees that hurt at all times, sudden onset acute asthma, no friends, no job, a failed marriage (with no chance of finding another), and a life expectancy that puts me on the home stretch. It's like living in a claustrophobic horror movie to know that no matter how much you want to, there's no more living like you used to. I'll never be able to party again, or go on a road trip, or play basketball in my front yard, or even eat ice cream or pizza - all the things that fueled my joy. Never. Paranoia abounds, and every time I try to exercise or do something physically simple I lose my breath and hurt everywhere. Meanwhile, the world goes on without me, and everyone with youth and energy and vitality is proudly and excitedly living out their fantasies while mine quietly turn into sad ghosts.

 

But the others are right. That's the depression. It forces our eyes into a custom-made tunnel. And just because my life didn't bloom the way I imagined it would, it doesn't mean I can't bloom at all. I just have to stop thinking "What if" and "Oh well" and trying to craft a life, and instead focus on what I do have, and on how I can make the most of a life that is being crafted beyond my control. For example, being older means I've gotten to see the change in technology and, therefore, the change in people. Growing up pre-internet, we have this sort of soul that some new generations don't. We know the value of physical cooperation and the pleasure that can come from doing things with methodical slowness, and a lot of people are intrigued by that, making me kind of cool. When I stop thinking about changing things and start thinking about accepting the changes that have been made, it's actually kind of nice because it means I don't have to have grand ambitions anymore! All those decisions have been made for me!

 

Sorry it's not exactly the same, but maybe it helps to know you're not entirely alone?

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Hey Tymothi

On one hand it helps a bit to know that I am not alone but on the other it makes me sad because of what you are going through. I know very well how it is when you can't work, no friends, are divorced and will never again get married. Same here. My brother is very sick even though he is only 32 and my parents are old and sick. The future scares me.

I wanted to learn something. To make a career in something that I like to do but am being told I won't enjoy the fruit because by the time I learn it I will be around 50. (If I was younger I would learn to develop apps). But if it is gonna take me 8 years to master it from scratch, not worth it, I THINK. Even though at 50 I might say I wish I did it.

Anyway my main problem is the depression and other mental issues that I cannot describe. I blame the drugs. In 3 weeks I have an appointment with a counselor/therapist so I hope he will help me at least a bit to get rid of these fears and paranoias.

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On 6/6/2020 at 10:32 PM, Zagor said:

It hit me suddenly. I am no longer young. What am I gonna do? Too early to die too old to live. It's worse than I can express in words

Good way to put it. I'm in the same boat.

I guess it would be easier if I had some purpose and were accomplishing some milestones as time passes, but there's little of that. Seems as though every one of my peers is just living a "typical" life, their kids graduating from high school right about now. (I remember when they were just being born, which seems like yesterday.) Not that I've longed for such a path, but at least it makes various milestones clear.

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@Zagor, your age has nothing whatsoever to do with your interests.  Even if you got fully trained in your field of interest just in time to retire, that is not the point.  I doubt it will take the full amount of time 'from scratch' for you to learn any career.  Why?  Because you already have real world experience that you can (and will) build on.  It is your decision what to do with your life.  Just please do not base your decisions on the lies that depression tells you. 

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Old Man Depression always tells us lies about ourselves.

We need to be constantly vigilant and counteract those falsehoods.

We can and must move out of the deep, dark, dangerous depression cave and keep ourselves in the FUNctional light.

 

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On 6/7/2020 at 6:32 AM, Zagor said:

I feel old. I turned 42 but I feel like someone who turned 82. Even worse. Besides the depression I gotta deal with this too. It hit me suddenly. I am no longer young. What am I gonna do? Too early to die too old to live. It's worse than I can express in words

Getting old is scary for most people. There are positives to being old too. Such as being more experienced and established in your life. Your more respected and cherished be loved ones and you are more likely to get the higher paying jobs. You have more freedom in life and life can be less stressful because you are not surrounded by as much people as when you were younger. You are not too old to live, look at the positives, every situation and dynamic has its positives. 

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6 hours ago, Prycejosh1987 said:

You are not too old to live, look at the positives, every situation and dynamic has its positives. 

True, though depression colors everything black. Instead of thinking about higher-paying jobs, for example, one might dwell on the "unemployed and over 50" angle (i.e., ageism, especially in the tech industry). We are instructed to realize this and change our ways of thinking, yet it seems awfully difficult to make much headway. But we can't give up...

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Today is day 3 where I decreased my dexedrine to 20 mg 2xday. I get bouts of depression but manageable so far. As for "age" issue I am getting to see a therapist next week for $55 per session on a sliding scale. I also have a free therapist appointment end of the month so will see which one is better.

I am in dilemma if I should switch to prozac from trentellix and my quack shrink said it is upto me.

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