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SolaMara

Ideas?

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I have “things” to keep me busy. 4 crazy kids, a full time job from home, a messy house, neighbors, chores, and errands. I am blessed and I cannot pretend that I’m not.

Despite all of this, I find myself in bed all weekend, avoiding all social gatherings, ignoring the spilled cereal on the floor and flies that hover over it. I cannot bring myself to do the simplest of tasks. I just discovered that I’m also a workaholic. Why? I think it’s because it brings some small meaning to my sadly pathetic life. It’s work, or nothing. Sometimes I try to break away for “me” time but end up just staring at the wallpaper on my phone‘s background. I hate Facebook, I hate social apps. I hate fake people and those that aren’t fake I envy because they are living normally. I can’t bear to read it.

Because I literally have no energy and no will power, I can think of nothing to help distract myself from myself.

Do any of you have a go to hobby or activity? Please don’t say something like “do something that interests you”... remember I’m asking you and nothing interests me.

-S

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My idea is to try to be clever with powerful metaphors.

I must "anchor" myself outside my deep abyss.

If I am beset with unwanted memories then I drop metaphorical boulders on intrusive thoughts.

We all have a vast reservoir of metaphorical tools to address mental issues.

Old Man Depression is constantly playing devious tricks on our psyches so my thought is maybe we should play a few tricks right back.

There is no need to be helpless and hopeless.

Keep posting your concerns.

We are here for each other.

Oscar

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46 minutes ago, SolaMara said:

I hate fake people and those that aren’t fake I envy because they are living normally. I can’t bear to read it.

Because I literally have no energy and no will power, I can think of nothing to help distract myself from myself.

Do any of you have a go to hobby or activity? Please don’t say something like “do something that interests you”... remember I’m asking you and nothing interests me.

Hi Sola, and welcome here. 

Sorry.  It sounds like you can't find a place for yourself, and that doesn't feel right ever.  Remembering that nothing interests you, I'll offer my method.  With rare exception, one thing doesn't interest me for long, sometimes months, others years.  I like to be engaged by several things; not at once, not multitasking.  You asked for examples, not bumper stickers, and I feel the same about that.  But . . . my interests will likely be different than yours, and eventually you need to find one or three or four. 

Lately I've been practicing on a kalimba--African thumb piano--I found on Amazon.   Also, I'm learning how to use my new refurbished smart phone to video the neighborhood rabbits. 

"To be clear . . . "   Ha.  I don't have a lot of money, SS and a small state retirement check.  So I also put some savings into a stock, which I've done only once before, about twenty-five years ago.  I put enough in it to offer some risk, but not change my life if I lost it.   It gives me something to look at and think about.  Also, this forum is a major part of my days.  If you read enough posts, you can find parts of yourself you might not have been aware of. 

That's a few specifics, but I'm thinking they won't help.  I'm not a health practitioner of any kind, but maybe consulting one might help you consider 'why' you have no interest.

Best to you,  Bulgakov

 

 

 

Edited by Bulgakov

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Maybe learn an instrument ? I say this because I play. When you play you really have a good time, and you can spend hours doing it, it really helps me to distract. But if you dont have any musical background I understand would be hard to start from 0. 

Lot of times I heard people saying they want something to distract, and I always think how good would be if they could enjoy playing an instrument, is instant joyful, just sit, and spend long time playing. But I understand its not for everybody. 

Im really trying to think something to recommend you, but its hard, I dont want to be one of those people who just say: "hey, start painting, is great, you can explore your creativity !", maybe because I really dont like painting. 

I really would like to tell you to find people to talk. Talk is the best way to pass the time faster. But its so hard to find others to talk in internet. It would be so good to just go to a page and find good people to have a talk, but its not. 

I cant think anything really good or "out of the box" to recommend you. 

Can you  give us more clues to figure out things you could do to deal with this ?

 

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In reading this thread, I really related to a few scattered sentences and phrases.

4 hours ago, SolaMara said:

I have “things” to keep me busy.

 

4 hours ago, SolaMara said:

I am blessed and I cannot pretend that I’m not.

 

4 hours ago, SolaMara said:

I find myself in bed all weekend,

 

4 hours ago, SolaMara said:

I cannot bring myself to do the simplest of tasks.

 

4 hours ago, SolaMara said:

end up just staring at the wallpaper on my phone‘s background.

 

4 hours ago, SolaMara said:

can think of nothing to help distract myself from myself.

 

3 hours ago, Oscar K said:

Depression is constantly playing devious tricks on our psyches

 

1 hour ago, Bulgakov said:

It sounds like you can't find a place for yourself, and that doesn't feel right ever.

 

1 hour ago, Bulgakov said:

If you read enough posts, you can find parts of yourself you might not have been aware of. 

Combining these ideas which I relate to, results in the following thoughts -- for whatever they are worth.

I find myself feeling 'disconnected' from the real world, but there does not seem to be a real reason for this feeling.  I am part of this world -- I have tasks I am responsible for, but am not taking care of; I have blessings, but do not really feel their influence; I remember things I used to be interested in, but no longer seem to matter.  In general I cannot seem to interact 'normally' with the world around me.  Intellectually, I understand this is a textbook symptom of depression, but so what?  I am a reasonably competent person and should be able to get busy with what I need to do or get started on a previous interest, but it just does not work that way.  The clock keeps ticking, and I keep sitting.  

Reading through posts on this site was helpful to me.  It helped me identify what does and does not apply to me.  Your statement that you are a workaholic may hold a clue.  Work seems to be a subject that you stay interested (or at least engaged) in. Maybe try to identify what about work holds your attention -- problem solving, familiar subject, etc.  That may help suggest a hobby or activity.  Also, watch for anything at all that makes you think, "What's that?"  (A place mentioned on the news, a new variety of tomato, a style of shoe that is no longer popular, anything.)  Give yourself permission to go look 'it' up and find out more.  In case you have not already figured it out, this is intended to 'fight back' against the gray fog that depression seems to pull down around us.

Hope this is helpful.  I am very sorry you are going through this.  Hope things improve for you soon.

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Thank you for being sincere in your responses. Surprisingly it’s comforting to have a place to just be real and to have people that just get it. I know something isn’t right with me, but I’m trying to be ok. I think in my personal life I resist sharing so much with others because it is so distressing. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want to cause any alarm... I just need to be scary real sometimes.

@mmd you reminded me that just listening to music is something I love. I know that sounds lame to just listen as opposed to playing, but I’m going to dig up my earphones and just let myself be ok with that for now.

@jkd_sd I couldn’t have said this any better. I am stuck and cannot move and there seems to be no reasonable explanation. Why are we broken?

3 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

I am a reasonably competent person and should be able to get busy with what I need to do or get started on a previous interest, but it just does not work that way.  The clock keeps ticking, and I keep sitting.

5 hours ago, mmd said:

 

Maybe learn an instrument ? I say this because I play. When you play you really have a good time, and you can spend hours doing it, it really helps me to distract. But if you dont have any musical background I understand would be hard to start from 0. 

 

 

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I decided to write mediocre poetry because I believe the world doesn't already have enough depressed mediocre poets. I am occupying the space left for me by the good poets, the great poets, and the truly awful poets. 💪😁

I decided to make beaded bracelets and necklaces because why the eff not? I can wear them and little stones strung together give me a small measure of joy. Go figure. 

I mix essential oils to create scents I find appealing then I apply them to the jewelry I make. On occasion, I make a scent that triggers a long ago memory and that brings me joy. Sometimes I make an aroma that smells like cheap laundry soap. Whatevs 🤷‍♂️

Stuff I learned:

 being impressed by the outcome of a hobby project is not the point, doing the work itself is. So I shrug at my judgment and those of others - whether praise or criticism. Outcomes dont much matter. Efforts do. 

Curiosity is the real point of taking on a hobby. "You could sell that!" Shrug. Soon as I begin to think of a hobby as some commercial venture, the fun and discovery and creativity evaporates. So, I remind myself I am not on a mission to indulge my ego. Just want to learn something about me I dont know. Even if I learn that I'm pretty terrible at it. 

I hope you will get curious about yourself, there's a beautiful mess inside!

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21 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

 Also, watch for anything at all that makes you think, "What's that?"  (A place mentioned on the news, a new variety of tomato, a style of shoe that is no longer popular, anything.)

I agree.  A thing should catch your interest; as you say, something, anything.  This comes up often in DF.   How do you create interests when you or someone, has none.  You can sample hobbies that seem popular to find your interests, but more often as jkd said, it's the thing anywhere anytime, that "sparks" your interest.  An interest is like any relationship, you shouldn't have to try too hard to make it work. 

If that isn't happening, why not and what do you do?  Maybe that's the question.  I don't have any decent short, or long, answers on that.  If you could find a therapist in this Covidian Age, one of them could answer that--or at least dance Kachina like around it--for a fee. 

Bulgakov

 

Edited by Bulgakov

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