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Depressedgurl007

fell into a hole i cant get out

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Posted (edited)

what am i trying to achieve by even posting here. i'm sick and tired of this life. i don't know what's the point of being here. i can't do anything right. everything i'm doing is wrong. i hate myself so much. i have been jobless since last year and i have a job interview tomorrow and i'm not even practicing for it. my mother in law hates me cos i'm rude. i hate myself cos i'm rude and can't control my actions when i'm angry. i live in her house but yest she got so angry with me she left the house to go stay at her other son's place and she said she is gonna stay there for the next few weeks. it's my fault and i regret my actions for banging the door.

god i just want to die. what's the point of doing anything. i tried listening to positive affirmations on youtube it doesn't help. i called the suicide helpline yesterday and today i still feel like shit. i don't even know what's wrong with me. i'm always making a small matter big. it was a stupidly small matter i dont know why i got so fed up with her.

all i did was carry my baby from the living room to my room and she had to make noise and say that i shouldn't be carrying her cos she will get used to it and it will be hard on her to take care of the baby if i go back to work. i got angry cos she herself carry my baby a lot, and my hubby also carry my baby a lot, why the hell can't i carry her for a short distance from the living room to my room. i got angry and stomp out of the house and bang the door and the gate on my way out. when i came back she was very mad at me. i shouldn't have done that. i should have just walked away quietly instead of announcing to everyone how mad i am.

nobody understands me. nobody hears me. god i've been living with her for 7 years and yet i'm still not used to her nagging and yet i still haven't learn to control my actions. i know she is sensitive and have very conservative views on respect and life itself. yet why did i bang the door i should have known she will get mad.

"you can't control what others say. you can control what you do when someone says something unkind" how hard is it to remember that. god i hate myself for being an idiot. and even now hubby say she is too mad so i shouldn't say sorry now i should let her cool down first. 24 May is the annual celebration of my people where we go visiting parents and friends and share food and cookies and it sucks that i had to lose control one week before the celebration. i hate myself and just wish to die.

i don't even know why i'm posting here. i don't like posting cos there's seldom any replies and yet here i am posting. for what. so what if some unknown people hear me. will that make my mother in law calm down and come back home? it sucks that i feel damn awful when she is around and i feel damn awful when she is not around. cos it's my fault. it's all my fault. i hate myself and just wish to die. but i can't of course.

what the hell is the point of anything. i am forever unheard life is forever unkind and i have to accept that i'm a nuisance in this world. i hate myself. can i please hate myself less and practice some job interview questions. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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Posted (edited)

This situation sounds very tough. 

Telling you not to pick up your own baby is ridiculous. She doesn't have the right to deny you your relationship with your child because she babysits for you. 

It sounds to me that she is being very uncaring and manipulative towards you and treating the baby as if it is her own. I would blow up too and I think I would do worse than bang the door! 

I think you need to stand your ground with her on this. Don't back down. Let her know this is your child and you will hold him/her when you want to. 

I can't think of anything worse than being denied mothering your own baby. I would be angry too. I think you have every right to your anger!!! 

I do think it is best to calmly tell it like it is though. Tell her calmly and firmly what happens with your baby. Your blow ups will give her ammunition against you whereas being calm and firm will show her you mean business. 

Im sure you've already thought of this but I would push to move out. I think you'd be much better off emotionally. This woman sounds like trouble 😬 and will likely make your life difficult for the foreseeable future. 

 

Edited by Nightjar

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I agree, how you parent your child is your choice.   For what little it is worth, maybe try to shift your internal reaction from anger to dismissal -- 'Yeah, whatever.  You do things your way, I will do things my way.'  I love the phrase someone on this forum used -- 'Not my circus.  Not my monkeys.'  Good luck!

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Posted (edited)

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate replies on my posts even though my posts are long and I seldom come here. Your suggestion @Nightjar is very true, to be calm and firm when talking to her. I wish I can be calm and firm. Somehow I always start out calm and firm but after a few minutes, the way she never understand me gets on my nerves and I end up blowing up. I have anger management issues that I can't just dismiss my anger. 

Five days later and she still has not come back home. I feel so guilty still. It's hard that I need her to take care of my child, so I have to follow her ways. I wish I'm not dependent on her taking care of my child. It's disappointing to celebrate an annual celebration without her this Sunday, and we usually celebrate it together as a family and this year would be totally different. I hate how she always mess things up. They said I make such a big issue out of a small thing, but she can make it an even bigger issue than I ever did. Sigh.

And every time we argue, my hubby does bring up moving out. But in many past arguments, he gives in and ends up just continue staying with her cos he says he wants to save money to start on a business. This time around, he brings up moving out again so tonight we might talk to a property agent. 

Anyway, just to put it out there, the interview went okay, they actually said they will get back to me next week with an offer after seeking approval from their management. I'm not sure if that means I am already offered a job or not. Sigh. I'm still on my toes and still down from being jobless. I should be grateful there's some silver lining but I don't want to get my hopes up and be brought down again. 

I'm still not out of this hole. I always feel like I'm a terrible person who always runs away from people and problems. I can't talk to people, I can't understand them and I only think of myself and my priorities. I have no self-esteem and always feel like I'm unworthy and I am always letting people down. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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I understand this feeling too well. I believe when you get to this point--where you feel like you can't do anything right--it's a dangerous spot to stay in. It's hard to get out of, but you CAN get out. 

The ideas about you being unworthy and always letting people down is depression taking over. It's not true. You are perfectly capable. Depression warps your perception and makes you see only the worst in yourself, and it's magnified a thousand times. It's not real -- it's like funhouse mirrors.

Remind yourself that although it feels very real -- and the hurt is definitely real -- there is no truth to those thoughts. 

I always ask people this, but have you tried any medication, or talked with anyone about it? It's been the only thing that saved me and got me out of that hole, more than once. Different medications work for different people. I take one that is supposed to have bad side effects, but I have none, and I take three times the average dose. You just have to keep trying different meds and different dosages until you find what works for you. 

Whatever you do, don't stop fighting to claw your way out of the hole. You can do it.

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20 hours ago, Lori123 said:

I understand this feeling too well. I believe when you get to this point--where you feel like you can't do anything right--it's a dangerous spot to stay in. It's hard to get out of, but you CAN get out. 

The ideas about you being unworthy and always letting people down is depression taking over. It's not true. You are perfectly capable. Depression warps your perception and makes you see only the worst in yourself, and it's magnified a thousand times. It's not real -- it's like funhouse mirrors.

Remind yourself that although it feels very real -- and the hurt is definitely real -- there is no truth to those thoughts. 

I always ask people this, but have you tried any medication, or talked with anyone about it? It's been the only thing that saved me and got me out of that hole, more than once. Different medications work for different people. I take one that is supposed to have bad side effects, but I have none, and I take three times the average dose. You just have to keep trying different meds and different dosages until you find what works for you. 

Whatever you do, don't stop fighting to claw your way out of the hole. You can do it.

Sorry, I just wanted to re-post it because I think it is a cornerstone of truth, and we should all read it again. True and beautiful.

You CAN do it.

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Posted (edited)
On 6/4/2020 at 1:04 PM, Lori123 said:

I always ask people this, but have you tried any medication, or talked with anyone about it? It's been the only thing that saved me and got me out of that hole, more than once. Different medications work for different people. I take one that is supposed to have bad side effects, but I have none, and I take three times the average dose. You just have to keep trying different meds and different dosages until you find what works for you. 

Whatever you do, don't stop fighting to claw your way out of the hole. You can do it.

Thanks so much for your reply both of you.. your confidence in me means so much to me and gives me motivation since I have no confidence in myself. No, I'm not taking any medication cos I can't afford to be on it forever. I might go there one day but not now since I feel I can still live without it. I still hate this disease..some days I can't see anything positive at all..the truth you mentioned is always there but without your help to pull me out I will still believe how unworthy I am..

Anyway to update..hubby fell sick with high blood pressure and she came back home, and I guess things got back to normal..my normal being me walking around broken glass everyday with fear of offending her. Getting a house of our own will still take a long time since my country is still under partial lock down.

Also, I got offered a 1 year contract job after 8 months of being jobless. I kind of still feel unqualified for the job and feel very nervous for my first day cos I fear I will let everyone around me down when I can't meet their expectations and make many mistakes. 

I want to say getting a job offer have lifted my depression a bit.. but frankly it's still kinda there.. I know it's good news and I should be grateful but it's just a flat feeling of yea okay I'm lucky somehow. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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